Do you have a red flag list?

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Barchan your response is a bit extreme. I mean violence towards anyone is a weak and imbalanced reaction... even if taken as a metaphor it's connotations relate to a powerlessness which leads to a 'ends justify the means' ideology.
Rationalising violence towards another living being is not okay.

This is a very important topic. I massively struggle with noticing potential red flags or I try to explain them to myself somehow and analyse them instead of trusting my gut instinct (which - in retrospective - works really well, I just tend to ignore it!). I'm also very vulnerable to any pity play, I try to understand the person, comfort them, show them I care and then SNAP they do something I can't understand that feels bad and confuses me.

I can add a few of my red flags:

- they humiliate you or belittle you in a really sneaky, subtle way, especially when in public or in front of their family or friends
- they make you cry and then laugh at you being such a childish, immature person for crying
- they complain about having to do "menial tasks" in their life which can be anything from cleaning up after themselves to having to do some actual work to earn money. They seek others to do those things for them.
- gaslighting, even when it comes to things of seemingly tiny importance. There are people who get a real kick out of confusing others and making them doubt their perception or memory
- people insisting that you'd change if you really loved them
- people using derogatory language while describing others - that can include exes, their work clients, family, women/men in general, people of different race/political views
- people who joke about horrible things, abuse, tell jokes that are racist or sexist
- people who try to mould you into some kind of "ideal partner", by comparing you with others and criticizing you
- nothing you do is ever good enough for them and they're never satisfied, just want more, more on their terms, push boundaries by eroding them slowly
- they don't appreciate your efforts and work put into the relationship, there's rarely a spontaneous "thank you" or reciprocation, there's a feeling of being taken for granted

Unfortunately many of these red flags only become visible while you're already in a relationship, emotionally attached... do not ignore your gut instinct, ever! Sit down, alone, and think - why am I feeling this tense? why is there a feeling of 'something not right'? Analyse those conversations, ask a friend about what they think of your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Other people's insight is really valuable. My daughter (who's just 12) is a better judge of character than me, when emotions take over. She may say something like "don't you think what he said was creepy?" and it takes me a while to see the creepy factor in it.

RandomFox,

All of the things you listed are huge red flags for me, too. All of the people you described are plain toxic.

I miss him.

Yes, I have a really good sense of when something's off with a guy too. Red flags I've had with exes have been clinginess, threatening suicide, alcoholism, trying to pressure into sex, talking about exes way too much, poor hygiene. I could go on but i won't.

How much time do you have?

...Spree killer sympathizers...

I was a veterinary assistant for a hot minute years ago. We had an acronym for our more dangerous patients: AWC.

Approach. With. Caution.

If you follow the broad range of things that people list here, i'd be wary if you don't notice or suspect any of those, because imo at that point a decent ratio are good at hiding those, or you don't do a good job at detecting them.
Really interesting thread actually.

Regarding parents, my parents are psychologically abusive, and generally toxic, while my intentions may be not like that, i never had the chance to learn what emotionally healthy interaction really is in the long term, but alot of experience in the reverse with many people. If somebody were to meet my parents, they'd not notice alot of things being wrong. They are very good at appearing friendly and totally good to the outside. My father to be specific can hold that up for months of longer interaction.

For me it's more a subjective analyzing of intentions (and their alingment with what they should have and say they have compared to behaviour), many red flags here would trigger me.

Talking too much

Always having to get whatever they want

Saying "girl" to refer a woman

Saying "what" and "huh" instead of "excuse me'"

Obsession with money

Impatience

Personal questions

Making too many comments about my appearance, food, IQ score, or anything else

Too much criticism

Too many compliments

Drugs

Breaking plans and promises

Referring to himself or herself as "people"

Judgmental attitude

Drama queen

Addicted to technology

Self important, morally innocent lil attitude

In what situations could "what" and "huh" replace "excuse me"? i kinda don't know
Regarding personal questions, i don't know what you mean, but i could not imagine a relationship with an autist without honesty and a good amount of personal questions.

I've been a poor judge of character all my life. Here is what I've learned over the years. This is my red flag list, for anyone, not just romantic interests.

1) too friendly right away
2) they flatter me and praise me a lot
3) they do most of all the talking
4) any put down of me at all
5) people who turn the topic of conversation towards themselves or their own topic before you get a chance to discuss and get feedback on your topic
6) people who discount or dismiss my feelings, opinions, etc.
7) People who are disrespectful to me
people who lie to me
9) people who won't return my texts/emails/calls

I really don't understand posts like this, or what this has to do with the op's topic.

I think it was a reference to incel terrorism (L&D PPR topics) and those who share the ideology.

Thank you everyone for adding to this thread.

Don't know what that is, nor what those initials stand for.

Incel terrorism... hateful extremists, predominantly misogynists, linked to mass shootings eg M!nassian & R0gers.
L&D: Love and dating
PPR: politics philosophy and religion

A misogynist is a person who dislikes women

I’m happy to provide some context. At the time my post (3 months ago), there was quite a lively debate going on in another thread where one of our members here on wrongplanet was expressing sympathy for spree killers. This post was simply a reaction to that. Hope that helps.