My girlfriend told me I am greedy and selfish, am I?

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Get rid of her, she is a worthless parasite.

That thing, where she went out to a later movie with a guy and got him to pay? She was demonstrating to you that she can get this kind of support from other men if you won't provide it. It's a huge red flag, and unless you are planning to support her financially for the rest of your life together you should not plan a long term commitment with her. You were right to reconsider your engagement, and maybe this birthday dinner thing would be worth breaking up over, since she's forcing the point anyway. Save yourself the price of dinner.

Arielhawksquill is right on point. She is herself a female. Just saying...

Okay thanks. I didn't mean to embarrass her in the grocery but if I feel I need to put my foot down in what I should and should not pay for, how do I put it down without embarrassing her in front of other people in public?

Want the independent advice of a stranger? GET OUT

You shouldn't worry about embarrassing her because she needs to pay for herself. Try to look at this from a stranger's perspective: doesn't it seem absolutely ridiculous? This is what we call a toxic relationship. Her love towards you may be true, but this relationship is so very unhealthy! She is, consciously or not, manipulating you. Arielhawksquill was right: she wants to show you that she will get attention and money (the exes situation is so wrong) from other men, she doesn't need you to give it to her.

Do you honestly believe she will ever repay all the people she has lended money from? What kind of help is she getting to help her with her financial mismanagement? She doesn't feel comfortable lending money from you, but has no problems going to her EXES for cash? This is such a poisonous situation! She is manipulating you in thinking that this is a normal expression of 'the man is supposed to pay for dates'. But this goes so much further! It is insane that YOU should be the one to feel guilty or embarrassed. This situation isn't going to change very soon.

I can understand that it is hard to break up with someone you love, I've had to do it to. It hurts like hell, but it will get better. I beg of you to get out of this relationship. Do you want this to go on for the rest of your life? Pay for everything the two of you do (or she does on her own) when you're 50, 60, 70? A healthy relationship means equality in everything: loving, attention, AND financial responsibility. For the love of god, don't marry her. She is clearly not mature and responsible enough for a relationship. Do you know how much a divorce can cost? If you don't want to break up yet, give her an ultimatum. Tell her to get help from a professional (financially and psychologically) or it's over. Oh, and she should definitely break all contact with her exes! If she loves you, wants a relationship with you, and is worried about the situation, she will do this. If not, she sees you as nothing but another piggybank, and it's time to chose for yourself.

Whatever you do, don't marry her! Please tell me what you think about all of the above. Take care

This is very eloquently put. I have a lot of problems with the demonization of your gf by other posters; I hate it when people, on very flimsy evidence, attribute all kinds of motivations to someone they don't know. All I can comment on is her behavior.

However, it seems you two are not a great fit.

It all boils down to respect and understanding. Married people need to have similar values. It seems she doesn't understand and respect your viewpoint, and you don't understand and respect hers, but you shouldn't! Her behavior with money is not normal. If you were to see things her way, you would both be bankrupt very soon.

Also, the exes. I don't hang around with my exes, out of respect for my husband - and also, how is an ex going to find someone new, if he's got his ex hanging around? The only respectful thing is to let exes go.

My point about embarrassing her in the grocery store was that if you have talked to her about this, and she is still not listening......well, how are you going to get her to listen? What does it take for her to be able to listen to you? Will it ever happen? What is the point where you say that this is enough? This is your personal choice. We Internet People can advise as much as we like, but it is up to you.

Good luck!

Well I was going to try to put it nicely, but we might just say it like it is and in that case you beat me to it

For someone to demand being pampered like that, that you spend money on them for the relationship to be of quality according to them, is a huge red flag.

I'm single because I don't like to spend money on anyone but myself. If a relationship costs money, then it can't stand on its own feet.

If she can't have fun without it costing money, then anyone can offer what she gets from you and she can just ditch you for the sugar daddy that is willing to spend more.

If you can take a girl outside and just walk in nature without it costing anything, then that's a good indication. Even better if you can walk in the city and not have to spend any money on her.

If there's supposed to be equality, then she buys her own stuff and pays for her own meals.

Some women have strong entitlement belief that the man must always pay for dates/dinners/vacations; even if they work, even if they have good income, even if she's older than you, even if she's richer than you - it doesn't matter for them, they see man paying as something "romantic".

In my experience, this is a incurable trait; you cannot change it.

This man below, is trying to abolish it, but can you see how blazed they were?


See how the ladies on 7:30, 8:33 and especially 9:15 and 11:35 are so upset and reacting and you can see in their eyes "How dare you to suggest that we should pay sometimes?? It's unromantic; we are ladies!", I can bet that they will never change their ways.

That's not true

Source: having been a girl for the last 20 years

Well in my dating experience, I can say that some women are like that but not all. One gf I had before payed her way most of the time. One woman I went on a few dates with payed for me on the first date, even though I insisted she didn't have to.

Now with my current gf she would pay if she could afford to she says. Back when she had a bf and owned a business with him she was much more well off, before they broke up and he ended up taking most of the money.

In my relationship now, me and my gf have the most wonderful times together, and she is very giving, in other ways. Not that she has to be giving in money, I am not implying that. But I'd say that the relationship is 95% good, and with just this one issue.

One thing I have learned is that no gf is perfect, and that each one I have had always had at least one flaw. Everyone has flaws including me. So is this flaw enough to end the whole relationship over, of the rest is really great and loving? Even if I talk to her about it and straighten it out? I talked to her about borrowing money from her exes. She says she only has to once in a while like when they offer, and she has to get a painful cavity filled as in the recent example.

It's funny cause I went on another forum and asked about this, and I got opposite responses, from users saying that she wouldn't have to borrow money from her exes if I provided.

Since you have been together 2.5 years and you have considered marrying this girl, it is very important that you consider your views on money. Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in a marriage and great differences in opinion can lead to divorce.

You and your gf seem to have a wide discrepancy in how you feel money should be used. The fact that she said it's
"not romantic" to make a meal at home tells me that she sees spending a lot of money on someone is a way to show love. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, but if you are more concerned about saving money and being frugal, it could cause some problems. She will feel like you don't love her so much if you don't spend a lot of money on her, and you will feel that you are being used or pressured into spending a lot of money. This cannot be sustained long-term.

At this point, you need to figure out whether or not you can come to a realistic, sustainable compromise, or if you are better off not being together. You should not get married before figuring this out. It was wise of you to hold off on marriage because the money issues raised a red flag.

She expects you to pay for everything? sounds like she's the one being selfish. . .

This is inherently wrong, nerdygirl, how can it be otherwise?

This is a troubling thinking.

Yes, many divorces result because a compromise is not attainable. I know someone who inherited enough to buy a house, got married, had a kids, and got divorced and sold the home when the money ran out.

The compromise that I have seen work is to put the responsible partner in charge of the money--the other gets an allowance and gets to spend it all. Sometimes you can even split the bills. But, no matter how hard you try, the less responsible partner will spend it all, so the other will have manage long term savings for retirement and educational expenses.

Some people are that way. They interpret gifts and things like that (fancy dinners, etc.) as an expression of love. Some people are not that way. It gets down to the way people are internally wired.

The book "The Five Love Languages" is extremely helpful in explaining how different people feel loved.

*This* girl could possibly be manipulative and selfish, but I can't say for sure not knowing her. The difficulties the OP described do not seem to me to be conclusive. However, it does seem that their views of money and how to express care for each other *is* drastically different and conflict-producing.

I'm sure you have met prissy people. If a girl wants the fancy dinners and the nice jewelry and the like, she needs to find someone who makes a lot of money. She's not going to be happy when the day comes when there is NO money to go out on an anniversary.

I might not agree, and I don't share the same values. But I'm not going to go so far as to say that prissy people are inherently wrong about liking to have their life all just so. I might shake my head and roll my eyes, but in the end all I can say is we wouldn't get along.

First, you should congratulate yourself on having a two plus year relationship. My question is, what are you willing to do to keep it going?

There is some type of miscommunication happening and you need to figure out what she trying to say.