Lying and being manipulative

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I have heard and read several places that aspergers don't lie, and don't know how to be manipulative.
This has got to be a myth right.....?

For example: If my friend is wearing a new sweater and my immediate thought is that I don't like it, what I usually do is to find something about it that I like. Then I can say " Oh, that's a lovely color" which makes her feel good, but in fact I might not even think personally the color fits her and I don't like the sweater at all.
In this example I haven't really lied, I have just chosen not to tell the whole truth.

Let's take a "worse example": The bathroom in my rented apartment has had cracks on the floor in the shower for some years, that has just gotten worse over time. So I have complained to my landlord about it. Finally he did something about it, but he just glued tiles on top of it which I think is a horrible solution because the possible water damage is stil underneath. And it didn't look good either. BUT I showed gratitude and said it looked really good!!
Why did I do this? Because I know bragging of him makes him happy, and keps our relationship good. And his solution was cheap and will probably not make him have to raise the rent and the low rent makes it possible for me to save money so that I one day can by myself an apartment.

This is clearly lying and being manipulative right?

And am I the only one who does this??

Yes you are the only one the spectrum who makes stuff up for effect. Also your post is the funniest and most amazing post I have ever read in my 53 years as a Harvard professor of the Internet.

What it really is, is that people with autism are less inclined to lie, make stuff up, attempt to manipulate, play mind games etc. Usually I am blunt and straightforward by nature. But that does not mean I'm incapable of producing BS if I want to.

We even have a popular thread on Wrong Planet called "Post A Blatant Lie"
https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopi ... tart=10515

Ha ha I get it.. Puhh my diagnosis is correct then!

You CAN be on the Spectrum AND be an (swear Word) at the same time, what a relief

I can think of a few officially diagnosed kids at my private school who fit that description.

In many cases lying requires conscious effort from me.
When I don't think, oftentimes I don't see a reason to lie and just be honest and that's when I accidentally offend people.

If I think your shirt looks like crap, there's a high chance I'll just blurt out some words of disapproval.
At the same time it's rarely personal; I might say that the shirt looks like crap, but that has nothing at all to do with the person wearing it.
I think that's a major reason why saying stuff like this can happen so easily.
If I always thought "whatever I say, anything can be viewed as a personal attack, and that could be problematic" I would be much less inclined to say stuff like this.
But I don't. As I said, conscious effort is needed.

haha, your post made me laugh. I think that the fact that you are analyzing this is an aspie thing. I used to feel lied to and manipulated when someone told me a "polite half-truth" (such as your sweater remark) and i later found out that they had lied or not told the whole truth in order to spare my feelings. I would have much rather heard, "that sweater is really ugly and it looks terrible on you." I would give an honest opinion (assuming that someone wanted an honest opinion) and then be shocked when i found out i had hurt their feelings. It took a long time til i realized that i was unique among my family and friends in the way i viewed "polite half-truths" (except for my dad who i suspect is also an aspie--he too will micro-analyze interactions and worry that he was not truthful enough).

Once i learned more about autism and aspergers, i started to see that this is probably why i had had such difficulty in this area. I have gotten better at learning to say what people want to hear, but it still feels dishonest to me. I might not come out and say, "your dress is really ugly," but i will find a way not to lie--such as "I really preferred the one you had yesterday; it was a nice color for you." I can't stand to tell a knowing blatant lie. It makes my skin crawl. If i tell an untruth, it is either an honest mistake or an inept attempt at a "polite half-truth without actually lying" (an art i am still trying to master and am not always so good at).

Yeah it usually takes more effort for most of us and I don't think most of us are all that okay with it, and will likely analyze it a lot if it happens. I think that has to do with the autistic mind usually being so pragmatic.

[quote="Froya
You CAN be on the Spectrum AND be an (swear Word) at the same time, what a relief [/quote]

Well I sort of ment this as a joke, but of course there is some truth to it. I try to use lying in a way that it doesn't hurt people. In fact in my first example with the sweater, I think the truth would have been hurtfull instead.

But it's sometimes hard to know whether what you're doing is bad or not, and sometimes I feel guilty. I find it hard to always do the right thing though, so sometimes I put my needs infront of others.

I have lied and manipulated. I come from manipulative people and were taught those skills from infancy. I am trying to unlearn them though. But I lie sometimes, mostly if I am insecure and "trapped in a corner" and feel like I can't get out. I don't lie and manipulate specifically to hurt people though, it's usually a reaction to something caused by insecurity or fear.

If someone gave me there honest opinion and said they didn't like my sweater, I would actually get offended and thought to myself "they are wrong" It's THEY who have bad taste! So I would actully prefer it if they had lied instead or didn't coment at all which is also a god way of getting out of it. But that's a different subject I guess.

Maybe this lying thing is learned behavior. If I know no one gets hurt, it comes quite easy to me.

I can relate to this! I just haven't thougt about it in that way before.

We seem to be having this topic repeated a lot recently.
I reiterate that I'm pathologically pathetic in this area and don't just create BS to spare people's feelings at all. That doesn't make me deliberately cruel, just very up front. If I don't like your sweater I'll tell you so. I am capable of shutting up and saying nothing, but asked a direct question, it's either truth or silence.

I feel like the only Aspie to have ever walked this planet who can lie. I find being blunt really hard. I am extremely tactful, and I know how to lie at the right times. My body language is even good, I can look innocent and make eye contact when lying. When somebody asks me a question and I know the answer will hurt their feelings or may become awkward, I stress a little inside (but not show it on the outside), and say the answer that will result in nobody's feelings getting hurt or no awkwardness. Some examples:-

When I was a teenager at High school I was having terrible trouble with friendships, and the girls who were meant to be my friends were really making me upset. But I knew I had to keep these problems in school and not bring it home because my mum was going through a lot (marriage break-up, finance issues, and a few other things), and I didn't want to add to her worries. Nobody told me to not tell my mum, in fact I was encouraged to tell her by one of the helpers, but I didn't want to because I didn't want her to be more worried. So I just pretended that everything was OK.

When a friend of mine was getting married (although it never happened, and I didn't think it would either), she asked me if I wanted to be her bridesmaid. I knew inside that this wedding will never happen, because one thing they were only 18 and still a bit immature, and although they were all lovey-dovey at the time, the boy was too different from the girl. She was obnoxious and stupid and rough, and the boy was more serious and quite sweet actually. When she asked me about being a bridesmaid, I thought for a moment, but she demanded a yes or a no, so I said, ''yeah, OK'' in a cheerful voice. I didn't want to tell her that I doubt there will ever be a wedding. I was right anyway - there never was.

My (NT) boyfriend has an annoying quirk where he wants most things to be precise. So say if I cook him a delicious dinner, he points out tiny ''errors'', like the garlic bread is too thick or too thin, or the meat is too chewy or too soft, etc. He's very hard to please. I don't know if this is just an unintentional habit of his, and, like Aspies, he thinks that telling the truth is best. But I think he is just looking for all the ''wrong'' things (things that are wrong to him), instead of being grateful that I have cooked him a big dinner. But I don't want a criticism each time I buy things, and I want to tell him that his negativity of nearly everything I buy is annoying me, but I just can't tell him. I hate pointing out people's quirks. I'm scared it might humiliate them and make them feel bad, then I'll feel bad for saying anything.

My friend has got depression and has become very paranoid; thinking her neighbours are out to get her, or thinking that they're coming into her house and garden when she's not there, when I believe that they are not, and that my friend has developed a case of paranoia along with her depression. She keeps on and on about it, and I really want to tell her that it's most likely all in her head. But I just could NOT say that to her. If she really feels that people are out to get her, she just wants a good friend to listen and to understand, which I do. So I can't doubt her, because I'm afraid of making her feel isolated.


Those are just a few examples.

I can very cunning, and manipulative. It's not in my nature to lie, but I can use a lie to get into or out of a situation and I am very convincing. I used to tell lies to see how far I could fool someone, and then forget to tell them I was fooling them. I don't lie regular though, if anything I seem to be very open an honest. Some people say too honest.

Yup, this could be me, too. I'm not officially diagnosed though. I'm a good liar but HATE when I have to. I do it out of tact.

I can relate to many of you, and it feels good to know that there are others out there who are like me when it comes to this. I actually wondered if my diagnosis was wrong, but now I don't doubt it anymore. So thank you all very much for your replies!