The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

Page 37 of 41 [ 646 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41  Next

angel5
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 28 Aug 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

29 Aug 2014, 3:57 pm

i have been living with/roomies with a guy for 8 monthes and very frustrated with a lot of social and personal issues. i just found out yesterday that ALL our issues are autism issues. he doesnt have any clue he has this, but its clear to me that he does. he is VERY smart and lovable and i want to make this work! any suggestions??



mancunia
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 2

21 Oct 2014, 9:19 am

Hi everyone,
I think it's a great idea to have a marriage thread as long term relationships are hard at the best of times - even if you don't struggle with communication, intimacy, socialising, reading body language etc etc etc - all the things Aspies have a difficult time with.

I am having a particularly hard time at the moment as my relationship of 18 years has broken down. There have been numerous ups and downs like most marriages but we always seemed to overcome them. 2013 was a tough year for me as I began to realise that many of my problems seemed to be connected to AS. It was a difficult realisation and I received a formal DX in December 2013. What I didn't realise was how this would affect my NT husband and our relationship.

Though the diagnosis shed light on the reasons behind much of my behaviour and I was starting to understand myself a lot more - reading everything I could get my hands on about women and AS, he seemed reluctant to. A few months ago I started to notice him withdrawing though I didn't really notice - only looking back now can I see the signs. Then three months ago when it got so noticeable that even I knew something was wrong, he told me the relationship was over and that he had started seeing someone else.

I can't describe the pain, betrayal, confusion and anger I felt and still feel. What is really painful though is that when I asked him if it was anything to do with my AS, he said in part yes.

I am having such a tough time. I can't understand why pre DX we could overcome our problems, yet post DX it was easier to end it. I haven't fundamentally changed - in fact becoming aware of my AS has allowed me to look at ways of modifying my behaviours as I'm more aware of triggers etc.

We are now starting talking to lawyers and I am out of my depth. I have all these choices in front of me and I don't know what to do. Do I disclose to a lawyer that I have AS? I am so hurt and confused. I have a hard time making decisions at the best of times now it feels impossible.



Adamantium
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2013
Age: 1024
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,863
Location: Erehwon

28 Oct 2014, 8:04 pm

So sorry to hear this, Mancunia.

It is possible that he read somewhere that the DX means different wiring and no hope of any change, and he just gave up. It's a shame he could not have shared the anxieties and other feelings he was having around this as he was going through them, but that is also indicative that communication was not great.

I hope you feel better soon and develop the kind of supportive emotional life you need and deserve.

I have been married now for about a quarter century and have been living with my beloved for about three decades (we didn't rush in or anything!) Keeping related has been constant work. It may be that my analytical mind and perceptive difficulties were helpful in some way because when I felt that something was wrong I always insisted that we talk it out--because I just didn't get it otherwise.



elkclan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2013
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 698

30 Oct 2014, 8:27 am

Hi Mancunia - that must have been quite a shock.

Unfortunately, I can totally see where he's coming from. There have probably been relationship issues for a long time, as there have been with my husband. Discovering the AS gives me relief in some ways, but in other ways it cements the fact that things will never get ENOUGH better. Maybe if we'd both been aware at the beginning of the marriage - but maybe not. The AS diagnosis killed any hope I'd ever had of having a decent sex life with him (sensitivity issues) and for me that's a deal breaker - because I need it for emotional intimacy which eroded during the hard times of our marriage. I can't rebuild that bond without it and he can't provide it. My self-esteem, etc has also eroded to the point where I can't handle Aspi like communication anymore nor can I tolerate a life that's about HIS special interests as opposed to family interests. Knowing about AS sort of seals the fate of the marriage.

Sorry for your troubles.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,075

01 Nov 2014, 8:42 am

elkclan wrote:
Hi Mancunia - that must have been quite a shock.

Unfortunately, I can totally see where he's coming from. There have probably been relationship issues for a long time, as there have been with my husband. Discovering the AS gives me relief in some ways, but in other ways it cements the fact that things will never get ENOUGH better. Maybe if we'd both been aware at the beginning of the marriage - but maybe not. The AS diagnosis killed any hope I'd ever had of having a decent sex life with him (sensitivity issues) and for me that's a deal breaker - because I need it for emotional intimacy which eroded during the hard times of our marriage. I can't rebuild that bond without it and he can't provide it. My self-esteem, etc has also eroded to the point where I can't handle Aspi like communication anymore nor can I tolerate a life that's about HIS special interests as opposed to family interests. Knowing about AS sort of seals the fate of the marriage.

Sorry for your troubles.

I disagree with this idea, though I'm not sure you're expressing it for yourself so much as it being what some people think.

People are people. Not labels, not diagnoses.

And assuming limitations based on a label is simply wrong. The limitations depend on the individual. And on his or her not abilities and willingness and commitment. Not saying anyone can do anything. Saying there are all kinds of Aspies, all kinds of neurotypicals, that isn't enough to say what someone's able to do.



silentmode
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2014
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 18
Location: UK

24 Dec 2014, 9:40 am

We had been married for 13 years with no major issues when i went for diagnosis. My wife was encouraging and supportive and nothing has changed since. I think that she knew what i was like more than i did and the diagnosis didnt come as much of a shock to her. Since then things have continued much as before diagnosis. Maybe I am lucky, but i figure that if things in the relationship are good, they are good regardless of whether i have an AS label or not..


_________________
Asperger's diagnosed
AQ 42


Derek281
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jun 2013
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
Location: Cali

04 Jan 2015, 8:53 pm

When AS was causing problems in my marriage, I had never heard of AS or have anything resembling a resource like this forum. I knew I was different but did not understand really why. On occasions my wife, a special education teacher expressed that I was "mildly ret*d," "brain damaged," "emotionally crippled."

The resentment from all this led me to becoming a Strip Clubber and advancing to a high level as a hobbyist.

I found out about AS very late in life and it at least gave me an understanding as to the exclusion I suffered in HS and to a certain extent in college. I wish I had known about it during those years then at least I would known what I was up against. I found out about AS when I put the words "socially handicapped" into a search engine about ten years ago.



julfran
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2014
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 5

19 Jan 2015, 4:00 pm

My wife and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last year. I am a self-diagnosed Aspie and my wife has ADD. I always knew something was up with me...but nothing was ever officially identified (I'm 47 and a product of Catholic schools...so there was never any diagnosis of anything related to autisum growing up in the 70s).

I'm glad this forum exists. I find it very helpful.

My wife has had a difficult time with me. We were separated for eight months (she moved back into the house just about a year ago). My nephew is a diagnosed Aspie and when my wife was researching it online, she realized that I too am an Aspie. We have two children, 15 & 17 who don't show any Aspie traits.

How does everyone who is married deal with a social spouse? My wife has her friends and she typically gets together with them at least once a week. I do accompany her to social events, but I need my time to recharge. I wish I were more social, but it really wears me out. I'm just happy to stay home. But sometimes I crave social situations.

Do you tell others you're an Aspie? I haven't told anyone and am frankly worried about being negatively labeled.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,075

19 Jan 2015, 7:13 pm

It's hard to be close without telling, but generally doesn't go well to do that. I did tell one person and that was ok, but she's my age and very much loves her child who has AS. Maybe someone who loves deeply a family member who isn't Neurotypical might be more accepting. A lot of people recommend against disclosing, I generally agree. Unless the person already sees it, or if you need protection legally from disclosing a diagnosis, or to professionals caring for you if you feel they need to know, not much to gain.



Adamantium
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2013
Age: 1024
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,863
Location: Erehwon

27 Feb 2015, 1:01 pm

julfran wrote:
How does everyone who is married deal with a social spouse? My wife has her friends and she typically gets together with them at least once a week. I do accompany her to social events, but I need my time to recharge. I wish I were more social, but it really wears me out. I'm just happy to stay home. But sometimes I crave social situations.
You sound a lot like me. I really like social situations. In fact, some of the happiest times of my life have been with people at little parties--but I get exhausted and need to recharge. It may take two days to fully recover. and if the group is a little too big or the people are a little less sympathetic, it's just an ordeal.
I don't mind my wife's socializing with her friends and I am glad that we get invitations to do things as a couple--because otherwise I would have no social life at all. There are times when I know it's going to be awful, but I do it anyway because it will make her happy. That kind of small sacrifice is an essential part of being in a relationship, I think.

Quote:
Do you tell others you're an Aspie?
No-there really hasn't been a need.

I did tell a couple of people because I thought they would talk with me about it, but I think it freaked them out and we really didn't talk about it beyond their saying something like, "but you're OK, though, right?" Not a positive outcome.

In future if I need to tell people about a specific problem, I will tell them about that and that only. Tony Attwood suggests the formula "I'm the sort of person who (describe the specific problem)" and leave it at that. The ones who know about autism already know, I think.



Zincubus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 May 2007
Age: 124
Gender: Male
Posts: 559

15 Apr 2015, 9:03 am

Cernunnos wrote:
janicka wrote:

My wife has pretty much resigned herself to my quirks, and I guess on the whole has grown to understand me. I ought to say that we've been married for over 10 years now, so she has had plenty of experience of my oddities :lol:
.


Well we've been married for coming up to 35 years and we started dating in 1977 so whilst my lovely wife , who is one of life's living angels , is very well accustomed to all my funny ways and numerous obsessions we still have our FLASH points ..... in my wife's case she's perfectly fine most of the time but then gradually the pressures of family life (kids growing up and leaving home then moving abroad & jobs ) all take the toll and that's when she suddenly erupts and raises all hell at me .

It's a scary at the time and very upsetting , we had such a "moment" last night and I'm still in shock .
She normally gets very intense and explains how my obsessive behaviour drives her mad -she tolerates my current hobby / obsession of keeping snakes - which appears to have been the trigger for last night's upset - I've agreed to buy two more vivariums ( bargain priced at £30 for both when they are worth £70 EACH !) .

I tried apologising repeatedly last night without success even though I'm not really certain what I've done wrong or differently .... We will be fine again today hopefully but it takes me a lot longer to get over these " scenes" .

She has been civil this morning ( rather than loving or loveable ) and gone out for luch with a friend whilst I've woke up with a bad headache presumably through the stress .

I don't really understand the problem but then again - I'm ME :(



Zincubus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 May 2007
Age: 124
Gender: Male
Posts: 559

15 Apr 2015, 9:47 am

Zincubus wrote:
Cernunnos wrote:
janicka wrote:

My wife has pretty much resigned herself to my quirks, and I guess on the whole has grown to understand me. I ought to say that we've been married for over 10 years now, so she has had plenty of experience of my oddities :lol:
.


Well we've been married for coming up to 35 years and we started dating in 1977 so whilst my lovely wife , who is one of life's living angels , is very well accustomed to all my funny ways and numerous obsessions we still have our FLASH points ..... in my wife's case she's perfectly fine most of the time but then gradually the pressures of family life (kids growing up and leaving home then moving abroad & jobs ) all take the toll and that's when she suddenly erupts and raises all hell at me .

It's a scary at the time and very upsetting , we had such a "moment" last night and I'm still in shock .
She normally gets very intense and explains how my obsessive behaviour drives her mad -she tolerates my current hobby / obsession of keeping snakes - which appears to have been the trigger for last night's upset - I've agreed to buy two more vivariums ( bargain priced at £30 for both when they are worth £70 EACH !) .

I tried apologising repeatedly last night without success even though I'm not really certain what I've done wrong or differently .... We will be fine again today hopefully but it takes me a lot longer to get over these " scenes" .

She has been civil this morning ( rather than loving or loveable ) and gone out for luch with a friend whilst I've woke up with a bad headache presumably through the stress .

I don't really understand the problem but then again - I'm ME :(



Update

She's just rang and sounds in a real nice mood , everything is fine and dandy , until next time :)



Zincubus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 May 2007
Age: 124
Gender: Male
Posts: 559

15 Apr 2015, 6:10 pm

Well it's a damn good thing everything worked out well for me today as there was nobody " here " for me to offer kind words of support or understanding .

What the hell has happened to this place ?

More to the point , what's the point in posting our worries / thoughts / concerns .... if nobody bothers to help !?


Zincubus wrote:
Zincubus wrote:
Cernunnos wrote:
janicka wrote:

My wife has pretty much resigned herself to my quirks, and I guess on the whole has grown to understand me. I ought to say that we've been married for over 10 years now, so she has had plenty of experience of my oddities :lol:
.


Well we've been married for coming up to 35 years and we started dating in 1977 so whilst my lovely wife , who is one of life's living angels , is very well accustomed to all my funny ways and numerous obsessions we still have our FLASH points ..... in my wife's case she's perfectly fine most of the time but then gradually the pressures of family life (kids growing up and leaving home then moving abroad & jobs ) all take the toll and that's when she suddenly erupts and raises all hell at me .

It's a scary at the time and very upsetting , we had such a "moment" last night and I'm still in shock .
She normally gets very intense and explains how my obsessive behaviour drives her mad -she tolerates my current hobby / obsession of keeping snakes - which appears to have been the trigger for last night's upset - I've agreed to buy two more vivariums ( bargain priced at £30 for both when they are worth £70 EACH !) .

I tried apologising repeatedly last night without success even though I'm not really certain what I've done wrong or differently .... We will be fine again today hopefully but it takes me a lot longer to get over these " scenes" .

She has been civil this morning ( rather than loving or loveable ) and gone out for luch with a friend whilst I've woke up with a bad headache presumably through the stress .

I don't really understand the problem but then again - I'm ME :(



Update

She's just rang and sounds in a real nice mood , everything is fine and dandy , until next time :)



Texastexastexas
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2015
Posts: 1
Location: Texas

19 Apr 2015, 12:45 pm

I'm using an iphone and can't really tell which post I'm replying to, it only says Reply at the bottom of the page.

I'm NT married to aspie for 8 yrs. I'm reading today for strategies to deal with non-social aspie spouse. The best I can gather is that I need to leave him at home most times. He sits and says absolutely nothing to anyone. He'll speak if spoken to, but there's no way he'll initiate a conversation. So people think my husband is rude and condescending.

He is not rude. He is a sweet, uber-intelligent good man who I need to leave at home where he is so happy. He loves to clean and improve the experience of our home (floors, bathrooms, washes sheets and keeps our bed made, gorgeous landscaping, amazing saltwater acquarium, etc). I'm typing this and appreciating the loving man he is.

I knew he was aspie when I married him and I need to stop asking him to participate ("smile!") when it's clear to me now that he's too overwhelmed in most social scenarios.

He really enjoys having close friends over for dinner and wine (amazing cook, he'll obtsin ingredients and cook any recipe I hand him). I need to accept that our "couples" social events need to follow a format that considers his need to seek solitary moments (our kitchen, bedroom, yard).

I appreciate every person that contributes to this site.



chapstan
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2006
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 183
Location: Munfordville, Ky

30 May 2015, 12:28 pm

Texas X3,

I hope if you live in the part of Texas that is flooded, that you are ok.

When you talk to your husband about the social activities, what does he feel about it? Yes I am sure he will make an extra effort to join you because he loves you and that makes you happy, but how does he want to do it? Spend less time at the event? Find a way for him to leave early? You mentioned him being able to hide out at home, but many times bringing people into the place that is our refuge is even harder.



Ilovebaloons
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 6 Jul 2015
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: FL

06 Jul 2015, 8:32 am

This goes out to those of you in Aspie/NT marriages. My husband is an Aspie, and were having major communication problems arising out of super sensitivity to perceived criticism and emotional feedback.

Example: I ask him if he wants toast, forgetting that he "hates toast" ( I'm totally ADD and sleep deprived:). He's stewing angry and snappy all day and explodes at the end of the day with a very long version of "don't you know me by now?", this is useless ( the marriage, etc.). Note: I instantly apologized for the toast comment and put it up to my tired brain fog. He could't let go of it, it became a mountain so to speak.

I'd appreciate any insight from all members of this great community could give. This is a specific example but an ongoing problem, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells afraid that any action could potentially ruin the day.