The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

Page 38 of 41 [ 646 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41  Next

Ilovebaloons
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 6 Jul 2015
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: FL

06 Jul 2015, 8:32 am

This goes out to those of you in Aspie/NT marriages. My husband is an Aspie, and were having major communication problems arising out of super sensitivity to perceived criticism and emotional feedback.

Example: I ask him if he wants toast, forgetting that he "hates toast" ( I'm totally ADD and sleep deprived:). He's stewing angry and snappy all day and explodes at the end of the day with a very long version of "don't you know me by now?", this is useless ( the marriage, etc.). Note: I instantly apologized for the toast comment and put it up to my tired brain fog. He could't let go of it, it became a mountain so to speak.

I'd appreciate any insight from all members of this great community could give. This is a specific example but an ongoing problem, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells afraid that any action could potentially ruin the day.



Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,075

06 Jul 2015, 6:13 pm

Ilovebaloons I don't know if this will help you and it's just what I would do in that kind of situation but I find if I try to be sympathetic and not react too much with defensiveness, no matter how I feel, sometimes people calm. It's hard to do this, but arguing the validity of the complaint doesn't really help, and with luck the other person realizes to be more reasonable when you don't fight. And, if not, you have to decide what you want to do about this, whether yelling and being miserable all the time is tolerable for you to be around.



whatamess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,284

10 Jul 2015, 2:36 pm

Ilovebaloons I just read your post and had to reply. My husband is NT, well, actually, I think he's something but NOT AS...and does this just like you. We have been together close to 16 years and I am fed up of being with someone who doesn't seem to know anything about me. He sees it as no big deal, yet I know if I got him anything that he didn't like, he would also feel like I didn't care. So I am sorry he is responding to you this way, I know it's not the right way and you have opened my eyes to the other side, but at the same time, I am wondering if you can explain to my how it is that you don't remember things he likes. I get so angry with my husband over stuff like this. i.e. we went to a restaurant that his cousin owns...we go there at least once a month...have been for almost 2 years...everytime I order the same drink...every single time...most times I even buy a bottle there to bring home, he buys it...yet a few months ago we went and he claimed he had NO IDEA what I ordered there, came up with every drink except what I always do and it made me feel like "he didn't care enough to know me or know what I liked, especially since we had been there so many times." Does that make sense? And yes, it is not right to explode like your husband, I can see that, and I hate to say I do it too...but at the same time I wonder if he even understands how it feels to me.

Anyway, I am sorry he is exploding. I don't have many answers for you, but hope that reading about why I do it makes you understand it more and although not put up with it, try to find a middle ground.

hugs!

PS hmmm for a while there I was thinking my husband was ADD or ADHD, lately I thought he was just a sociopath...now I am wondering if he is ADD or ADHD and that's why he does it?



whatamess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,284

10 Jul 2015, 3:11 pm

It is very interesting to read some here who do not see a benefit in disclosing to others that they are AS. It's interesting because I wonder if indeed there is no benefit and it actually makes things worse, what are all these parents doing to their children by disclosing their diagnosis to anyone who will listen?

Anyway, back to marriage stuff. I too am self-diagnosed, although honestly, my husband is the first one who saw it when our son was diagnosed. As the psychologist read to us all the symptoms and what they meant, my husband told him "so is my wife". In some ways I feel it has helped me, but the fact that my husband thinks I need to be fixed and that I am the broken one, has made our relationship worse than ever. I am tired of hearing that from him or him having such an attitude. Mind you, most of the issues we have are directly related to his scattered brain and irresponsibility, which of course, to me, there's a problem with an adult who is that way. For a while I thought he was ADD or ADHD, but of course, he claimed there is nothing wrong with him. He won't even acknowledge that forgetting to pay bills, not having a budget, ruining our credit because of his laziness or forgetting to do things he promised, are wrong and either he is doing it on purpose (might be a psychopath as he meets many of those symptoms) or he's not doing these things on purpose and possibly ADD or ADHD. Either way, the fact that he sees me as damaged, without a doubt has made our relationship even worse. He resents me for us not having a more social life, as he would party every single day if he could regardless of the fact that we have a child and other responsibilities.

Reading here about how others are able to find someone NT or AS or even ADD/ADHD who get them makes me happy and sad...I don't have that now at all with my husband and have not had that for many years. I think our relationship is close to over at this point if not completely over. I do NOT blame my AS 100% as again, many of the things I expect to me are things that any responsible adult should do. I do take the blame for some issues though and always have.



whatamess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,284

10 Jul 2015, 3:36 pm

PS we really NEED a separate marriage/relationship topic or thread :-)



whatamess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,284

13 Jul 2015, 8:00 pm

Ilovebaloons wrote:
This goes out to those of you in Aspie/NT marriages. My husband is an Aspie, and were having major communication problems arising out of super sensitivity to perceived criticism and emotional feedback.

Example: I ask him if he wants toast, forgetting that he "hates toast" ( I'm totally ADD and sleep deprived:). He's stewing angry and snappy all day and explodes at the end of the day with a very long version of "don't you know me by now?", this is useless ( the marriage, etc.). Note: I instantly apologized for the toast comment and put it up to my tired brain fog. He could't let go of it, it became a mountain so to speak.

I'd appreciate any insight from all members of this great community could give. This is a specific example but an ongoing problem, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells afraid that any action could potentially ruin the day.


I wrote a couple of days ago in the forum as reply to this post. This made something click about my marriage as well. I have to say first of all THANK YOU for your post, as you have no idea how much it has helped me.

I HIGHLY suggest anyone who is dealing with an Aspie/ADD/ADHD relationship to check out this site http://www.adhdmarriage.com

I purchased this book The ADHD Effect on Marriage, just after reading your post because something clicked. Oh my! What a HUGE wake up call. I felt like the book was written about my husband and I. I read it aloud with my husband and he TOO agreed that it described our relationship to a T...ugh

Thanks to this post above, my husband now GETS that it is NOT just the autism in the house that is causing issues, but also his UNDIAGNOSED ADD/ADHD. He actually already called a psychologist and just talking to her on the phone she started pointing out all kinds of things he did that indeed are related to ADD/ADHD.

I really hope anyone dealing with a bad relationship where nothing seems to work, check this out to see if there is MUCH MORE than just the AS.

Thank you so much for opening up to us, because without a doubt this has truly helped my sanity.



whatamess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,284

16 Jul 2015, 12:54 pm

Husband FINALLY diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. All the blame for over 16 years on me because of autism, when the fact is that although autism was causing some issues, the majority of our issues were directly related to his undiagnosed ADD/ADHD. Because they are seen as "living in the moment and happy", most do not see the chaos and blame the partner with autism. I finally have some peace.

PS son diagnosed with both AS and ADHD...now it's time to work on his ADHD to make sure he doesn't end up like his dad...ugh



DiegoTheTraveller
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
Location: Port Perry. Ontario Canada

15 Sep 2015, 11:00 am

Hey everyone Im Ryan. Im 35 and live near Toronto, Canada, Diagnosed HFA just recently (last 3 years)/

I've been married once and divorced (which ended in me being incarcerated because of my HFA). I am now in my third long-term relationship and common law with my spouse. I have quirks that include focus problems, boundary issues (for example.. the difference between a female friend and flirting for more) and can be both too loud or at different times "withdrawn." When my stress level is up, I find my symptoms get worse.

I love my wife -- but because of her health issues I find myself sometimes feeling unsatisfied -- and worse -- feel as though I HAVE NO RIGHT to feel unsatisfied. Our chemistry is off the charts when we do get physical.

I have always had issues making friends with males for whatever reason -- and feel much more confident with females. Obviously, this can create issues when in a long-term relationship.

I lvoe the fact that we have a safe place to get advice -- although I am still wanting to proove to my wife that I can have female friends and be faithful at the same time.

So IM hopefully going to get a few messages from new friends!!



BecomingMe
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 14 Sep 2015
Age: 46
Posts: 29
Location: Missouri

17 Sep 2015, 1:27 pm

DiegoTheTraveller wrote:
divorced (which ended in me being incarcerated because of my HFA)...

...boundary issues (for example.. the difference between a female friend and flirting for more)...

...I love my wife -- but because of her health issues I find myself sometimes feeling unsatisfied -- and worse -- feel as though I HAVE NO RIGHT to feel unsatisfied. Our chemistry is off the charts when we do get physical...

I have always had issues making friends with males for whatever reason -- and feel much more confident with females. Obviously, this can create issues when in a long-term relationship.

although I am still wanting to proove to my wife that I can have female friends and be faithful at the same time.

There is a lot of related information which seems pertinent but missing.

What health issue causes you to feel unsatisfied?

When you talk about chemistry, are you specifically aware of your wife's enjoyment/feelings/etc? As an autistic, this could be very difficult to deduce.

Why do you want to prove that you can have female friends and be faithful? Has this been a problem previously? You mention your boundary issues.

Lastly, how do you logically connect divorce and HFA to incarceration? I wasn't aware of incarceration for HFA or divorce.



DiegoTheTraveller
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
Location: Port Perry. Ontario Canada

21 Sep 2015, 8:04 pm

First off -- If my situation was simple Id explain it to everyone. It's not.

My HFA didn't help when I was depressed, and when I was incarcerated for something that I denied but everything happened so fast that I made wrong decisions in terms of my plead.

I have an extremely high sex drive and I guess in terms of the needs -- I feel I am missing a male mentor to help me see where I went wrong. Coping skills are not my strong point.

Anyway, thanks for helping.



whatamess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,284

09 Oct 2015, 2:59 pm

Oh my, why, why, why is it so hard to call before coming home? I am home every darn day with my kiddo. I love him and we have a great time, however, I am expected to also clean this darn place mostly by myself. My husband KNOWS that I HATE it when he comes home unexpected and I am cleaning, because all he does is walk around like an idiot or sit in a room and do nothing...I just want to be able to do what I need to do without his interruptions. If he calls me, then I can slowly get into the mindframe that I will NOT finish what I started, because he is an attention hog most of the time. Sure enough, I get to getting this place in order and he shows up, although just an hour before I told him to CALL ME if he needed anything, which HE KNOWS from 16 years that includes, if he's coming home early. He just threw me off and then sits there like a wounded puppy. UGH!$@#$#@

Sorry, vent over!



Malus_Domestica
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 21 Oct 2015
Age: 42
Posts: 142
Location: Scandiwegia

06 Nov 2015, 2:17 am

Hello, everyone! A quick introduction: I'm 33, female, live in Scandinavia and have been happily married for 7 years. We have two children, live in a rural area on a farm, I am self employed while my husband works in an office. He is NT as far as I know, while I am in the middle of trying to figure out if I'm on the spectrum. So, on to my issue:

Now usually we don't have many problems. But after having children, and especially in the last year as I've been moderately depressed, I've required a lot of down time. I realise now that it is down time, though at the time I just felt lazy and stupid, the house is a mess, my husband does more laundry than me ... he spends his evenings somewhere around the farm on some project or training the dog or whatever, while I just sit on the couch watching whichever show I'm into.

A disclaimer - my husband is very patient, understanding and doesn't say anything about me hanging on the couch all the time. He often shows me he loves me and is very thoughtful. I sometimes feel I'm taking advantage of him so I can be lazy ... and then I feel bad about that. I just get so tired in the evenings!

A couple of times during these last 5 years or so, he has sat us down and said that he wants me to contribute more (one time he was pretty angry too) to the house work, after which I usually cry, go silent and then start cleaning something furiously while he walks around sighing and trying to tell me he didn't mean straight away. The last time he said "we need to talk", I had a full on panic attack that scared both him and me, and all he wanted to say was that he'd like us to cuddle more (and have more sex ...). I was just so scared that he'd criticize me for this thing that I already know is "wrong with me".

Anyway, I've gradually begun to build up this ... I don't know what to call it, perhaps it's internalization, a word I haven't yet completely understood I think - where I am pretty much constantly criticizing myself and then "transfering" it to my husband as if it were HE criticizing me, if you understand? Even when he's nowhere around? And I feel that everything I do around the house is because he might be angry if I don't? Also, whenever I really need down time - like after a very busy social weekend, I might decide to take the whole monday off (perk of being self-employed), but I can never really relax because I feel bad that I don't do something useful. I feel I'm wasting SO much time. My days are totally unstructured now, I really want to get organized, but just can't make myself sit down and plan everything out. I feel I have to do everything perfectly, or I just don't bother at all.

I haven't told him about my suspicions that I might have ASD yet. I don't know where I was going with this ... does anyone else here relate? Does anyone have any advice? Or have a great tool for organizing life, for instance?


_________________
Aspie Quiz: ND score: 123/200. NT score: 87/200.
AQ=34 (AQ-10=7) EQ=32 SQ=66 FQ=50 RAADS-R=128
Not professionally diagnosed.


JackBruns
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 123

02 May 2016, 5:55 pm

Ugh. What man is dumb enough to get married in any Western country these days....



JeanES
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2016
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 96

02 Jun 2016, 4:26 pm

JackBruns wrote:
Ugh. What man is dumb enough to get married in any Western country these days....


I'm curious as to your specification that men in "Western" countries would be dumb to marry... why only Western?



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

25 Jul 2016, 6:55 am

JackBruns wrote:
Ugh. What man is dumb enough to get married in any Western country these days....

Well, I did recently and I certainly don't consider myself dumb: my wife may not be perfect but she kind, caring and VERY financially responsible. We are buying a house: something I would NEVER be able to do on my own and are expecting our first child (again, not an experience I can or would want to have alone).

My brother on the other hand is a different story but he was warned repeatedly about what a bad idea marrying his wife would be. After 7 years, he's pretty much lost the will to live and can't see how miserable she makes him but he repeatedly had a chance to be in a relationship with stable, supportive women to which he just said "they are too boring". All those women are still married to this day.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

25 Jul 2016, 7:29 am

Congrats on the kid!

That's something that might be on my "bucket list" sometime in the future.

There's a side of me that feels like I would have benefited had I had a kid when I was younger.