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My wife and I have been married for twelve years, and from her point of view, we have a problem. (I'm aspie, she's NT.) She has asked me to ask on this forum whether anyone has any ideas about how to put more romance back into our relationship. I'm not awfully demonstrative in that area, mostly because any more my libido is
more or less flatline. Bear in mind, too, that she knows that I can't tell what she needs and when unless she actually tells me, which makes the kind of spontaneity she looks for a problem. She is sensitive to the idea, though that, for an aspie, that's perfectly normal, and she doesn't want to come across as bitter about it. She comments, thogh, that we are more roommates that what she would call a married couple.

The other side off the subject. however, is that I've found, often to my surprise, that disagreements or misunderstandings we've had are still discouraging or depressing her weeks or even months after the fact, long after I've personally processed them; made good on them, after far as I knew; and more or less forgotten about them. She has also complained, usually long after the fact, that what I've read in myself as simple disagreement with what she was says and airing of a minor grievance, was--to her--an over-the-top overreaction on my part that left her nearly catatonic. In the past half-dozen years or so, that sort of thing has fortunately become less common, most because she no longer has a malfunctioning thyroid overstimulating her. Every very once in a while, though, I still find myself dealing with her being haunted by something I had thought was long since settled.

Can anyone offer any suggestions about what we could do differently? My wife and I are both really tired of problems that don't solve, especially when I've thought that they have been solved.

Your wife should get a life--stop making every little disagreement into a catastrophe.

It's the nature of people to disagree; we can't agree all the time!

Almost seems like SHE'S the Aspie in this LOL.

It would be good if you tell her how attractive she is; that always helps.

My wife hasn't told me that I'm attractive in years. I feel bad about that.

She used to make disagreements into catastrophes. She doesn't do that very much any more, as I said, since she had an overactive thyroid removed. I'm periodically surprised, though, when my efforts to make amends don't seem to bear fruit. For me, if you remove the cause of a disagreement (i.e., apologize or make good on whatever, or show me where I've misunderstood something), then any upset I feel therein immediately vanishes, as though someone has stuck a balloon with a pin. With her and other NTs I've known, the upset seems to take on a life of its own unconnected to whatever supposedly caused it. She thus usually still has to come down off her upset long after I've resolved and forgotten mine, and very little I can say or do seems to make that happen any quicker or easier.

You're probably right about telling her she's attractive. I have trouble remembering that.

A few suggestions:

- see you GP re: your libido. There could be an underlying health problem or you could have an age-related issue that's treatable

- what kind of romantic gestures does your wife like? Presents, mini-breaks, spontaneous car-washes? Schedule them in advance.

I found the cheesy pop psychology "5 Love Languages" very helpful - it posits that people show love in different ways (presents, words, acts of service) and that if you show love in one way (say, presents) and your partner shows love another (say, words), you can lovingly buy your partner a thoughtful gift and your partner can feel unloved receiving it ("he/she bought me a stupid trinket, they don't love me!").

It sounds like you both need to work on better communication. Aspies are usually logical thinkers, and need to be told clearly and directly, and many women tend to be emotional and indirect, and use body language to convey their feelings. NT males also struggle with communicating with women.

One thing you could do, is create some "code words" when one, or both want to get more intimate. This way, neither of you have to come right out and say it.

Sorry to hear that. When I complained about that, everyone told me I was acting like an NT. Glad to see that at least one other Aspie likes compliments from their spouse.

www.allprodad.com has some good (and very concrete) suggestions. It's worth digging through.

spice things up in the bedroom

You haven't really specified what your disagreements are/were about.

I think someone else besides you, needs to explain to her that you just don't know a lot of the things that she takes for granted in terms of socialising.

OT: The iPad is a nightmare to use. When editing text it just jumps all over the place. I would never have bought this damned thing if I knew how Hellish it would be to use.

I'm not typically NT, (or aspie in this regard) when it comes to relationships, but I can only say personally what I find attractive and romantic. I don't think it would be much use to you, but here goes: A small present every now and then is much appreciated. So is being taken out for a meal. I love it when a man is absolutely insistent on paying, it shows he's secure with himself, with his money (both which makes him appear in charge and not looking over his shoulder all the time [=insecurity]) and trusts me that I'm not "taking advantage" (again, he looks secure with himself). Obviously I don't expect the man to pay and I always offer, but that's beside the point, other than I don't think your wife should expect you to pay for everything either...but as I said earlier, I don't know any specifics of your situation.

..Anyway, what I also find romantic are genuine compliments. I realise other women look for compliments all the time (OK OK, so do I ) but I can tell a fake from a genuine compliment. Genuine ones come every now and then, and there's a good reason behind it.

Perhaps show more interest in her interests? Or ask her more about her day (that small-talk stuff is utterly boring to me but I'm fairly sure she would want that).

I would add, as I think gestures can be overlooked after a time, is perhaps to take them away for a short while (at your own risk) and go a little distant, so she appreciates what you do more. Though perhaps for you this might be dangerous territory. Only do it if you really think it would help.

What sort of activities do you do together? A day trip to a local tourist attraction doesn't have to cost a lot if you plan carefully. Sometimes you can take advantage of free admission days--Bank of America has a museum program.

http://museums.bankofamerica.com/

This is a problem I have in my relationship at times- feeling like problems are going unsolved. We used to talk everything through, but now we don't have as much time with our busy lives so we talk about it a little or not really and then it's up to me to decide if it's worth worrying about. Every so often I reach a point where I decide within myself to wipe away any past 'issues' and start new. It helps a lot. It helps me see that our relationship is more important than some silly little argument.

You could possibly ask her if she has any unanswered questions involving whatever the issue is and then after you talk about it talk to her about starting fresh, removing all thoughts of past problems and focusing on the present.

As for the romance, I'm not sure how you two normally interact, but if you have a hard time remembering to do sweet little gestures for her (holding her hand in the car, hugging/kissing her randomly while at home, saying you love her)
maybe you could write down on paper gestures she would like and try to remember to do one every day.

NT's need that sometimes because it reassures them that you still love them because for us a lack of showing how you feel could mean that you don't feel that way anymore. How do you show her that you love her in your own way? Maybe she doesn't know the ways that you show her how you feel, talk about it.