Early lack of interest in affection

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next


Do you enjoy affection but take an unusual amount of time before you start to want it?
Yes, it doesn't matter how much I actually enjoy affection, for some reason I just don't feel it much at first and it takes some time. 30%  30%  [ 7 ]
No, I don't enjoy much affection at all, at any point in a relationship. 4%  4%  [ 1 ]
No, I would love affection from the very beginning of the relationship as it feels good and also as a way to express my love. 52%  52%  [ 12 ]
Maybe. 4%  4%  [ 1 ]
Don't know. 9%  9%  [ 2 ]
Other (please explain) 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 23

Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

17 Nov 2015, 7:10 am

I've never had my first kiss, though I've had plenty opportunity. Even if my first girlfriend and I were only together for a very short time, in all 12 days I didn't even try. Anyway, we brke up and got back together about a month later, but only lasted 5 days the second time. The second time we did do some new things such as first hug, etc. but again no kiss.

Either way I'm happy I didn't wate my first kiss as since our break-up she's been nothing but trouble in my life no matter how mature and controlled I've tried to handle the situation.

But really, the second time I was recently getting to know this girl (not 'dating' in a sense but we had a bit of a 'thing' going on) but she only wanted to be friends, she did point out though and put emphasis on the fact that even if her and her ex were only together for a short time as well, they 'only' hugged and didn't kiss or any of that stuff. She seemed to be the type to value affection far more early as she mentioned in previous relationships the 'affection' stage would begin very early.

Either way, I think I have reasons why it takes me time: 1. I'm saving my first kiss for someone truly special and worth it. 2. I have to be 100% syure I am in a relationship with this person. For me it's a greenlight.

Anyway, my point is, even if everyone's different, it still made me have a bit of a self-reflection/realization when this recent girl pointed out I don't show affection quickly, and this made me realize I didn't in my prevous relationship weither. My priority is simply getting to know the other person.

However, relationships are about compromise, and the thing is I don't dislike affection but even enjoy it, it just seems I take longer to want to actually have it as much as they might. How can I prevent this issue from happening in the future?

Recently, I could have a new girlfriend/there is another girl with a mutual interest in getting to know each other, I don't want to have no affection if that's what she wants? And yeah I know I should only do things in a relationship i'm comfortable with, but thing is I am comfortable and even enjoy affection, it just seems I never actually do it at first at all.

It's not out of shyness or nervousness, I just don't actually do it. Heck, I might even think about it away from them like hugging or kissing them but when I'm actually around them the thought almost never enters my head.

So my other questions are 1. Is this normal to feel barely or even no urges of affection in the beginning of a relationship? It's more I enjoy her prescence and company than anything else, even if we don't converse/talk much just being around the person makes me feel great.



Drawyer
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 May 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,860
Location: Away

17 Nov 2015, 7:20 am

I actually enjoy affection, for some reason I just don't feel it much at first and it takes some time.


_________________
"Embrace the glorious mess that you are."


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

17 Nov 2015, 8:25 am

I like affection now.

When I was younger, I wasn't into it as much.

When I was a child, I didn't like it at all.



ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,081
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

17 Nov 2015, 12:12 pm

I have always enjoyed affection. Given that I can't read more subtle non-verbal cues from people, that is the one non-verbal cue I can interpret. I didn't get the sensory issues that other Aspies have. Instead of got a double dose of some other symptoms of AS. But to quote Frank Zappa "You are what you is"



Cockroach96
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2015
Age: 27
Posts: 3,162
Location: Romania

17 Nov 2015, 12:14 pm

Maybe you should save dating for when you are an independent adult.


_________________
I'm a Romanian aspie.


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,743
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

17 Nov 2015, 4:31 pm

Just tell the girl you want to take things slowly at first. That can be kind of romantic because you are showing you want to get to know them as a person and its not just their booty you're after.



Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

17 Nov 2015, 5:22 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Just tell the girl you want to take things slowly at first. That can be kind of romantic because you are showing you want to get to know them as a person and its not just their booty you're after.


I'm pretty sure that really is just it. I just take things very slowly and put getting to know their personality as my priority.

My first girlfriend we dated for 2 weeks the first time, yet even if I had the urges of affection I just never ever actually acted on any of them and like I said when I was around her the thought never entered my head, only when I was away from her. We only held hands, hugged, etc. the second time we dated and that was only a few times. Along with no kiss. This is a bit more private but I will say I did stay the night at her house, and there was some in-bed cuddling there and no more or less than that.

Anyway, yeah with my first girlfriend when I think back to it, I probably wouldn't have kissed her even after a month of dating probably (that's my prediction).

I also just want affection to be an extremely 'natural' thing and to just let it happen, other's also encourage to just be spontaneous and a bit adventurous if you would like to. But it seems if I rely on things to be 'natural', I don't actually do anything.

Affection is a big part of developing attraction at first really and a lack of it would probably make the other person feel too much like a friendship, but at the same time I don't enjoy blindly jumping into relationships. The 2nd girl I took two weeks to get to know, just that nothing else no physical touch ever evoked. The recent and current girl I barely know at all.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,743
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

17 Nov 2015, 5:30 pm

That's why I recommend communication. Telling her that you prefer to take things slow. That way she knows you are romantically interested and not just friends and also that there is a potential for more intamacy further along in the relationship.

That way if she's not into that you find out right off the bat and you don't waste time on someone who doesn't gel with you or if she is into it, then it's a win win.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,440
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

18 Nov 2015, 1:28 pm

Outrider wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Just tell the girl you want to take things slowly at first. That can be kind of romantic because you are showing you want to get to know them as a person and its not just their booty you're after.


I'm pretty sure that really is just it. I just take things very slowly and put getting to know their personality as my priority.

My first girlfriend we dated for 2 weeks the first time, yet even if I had the urges of affection I just never ever actually acted on any of them and like I said when I was around her the thought never entered my head, only when I was away from her. We only held hands, hugged, etc. the second time we dated and that was only a few times. Along with no kiss. This is a bit more private but I will say I did stay the night at her house, and there was some in-bed cuddling there and no more or less than that.

Anyway, yeah with my first girlfriend when I think back to it, I probably wouldn't have kissed her even after a month of dating probably (that's my prediction).

I also just want affection to be an extremely 'natural' thing and to just let it happen, other's also encourage to just be spontaneous and a bit adventurous if you would like to. But it seems if I rely on things to be 'natural', I don't actually do anything.

Affection is a big part of developing attraction at first really and a lack of it would probably make the other person feel too much like a friendship, but at the same time I don't enjoy blindly jumping into relationships. The 2nd girl I took two weeks to get to know, just that nothing else no physical touch ever evoked. The recent and current girl I barely know at all.


I think maybe you are afraid of things getting too serious and things like kissing and physical touch giving off the signal you're committed for the rest of your life or something. The reality is kissing and touch is normal in the dating phase its not jumping into a relationship to do those things. Jumping in would be like immediately agreeing to be a girls boyfriend without getting to know her first. I can understand wanting to wait until you know for sure you and the girl are on the same page about being boyfriend and girlfriend before kissing or touching, but once after that point it will look like you aren't interested if you don't show any affection.


_________________
We won't go back.


SilverStar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,058
Location: Ohio, USA

18 Nov 2015, 8:09 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I like affection now.

When I was younger, I wasn't into it as much.

When I was a child, I didn't like it at all.


Same here. For the longest time, I didn't even like people getting too close to me, let alone anything else.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,062
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

19 Nov 2015, 7:47 pm

I never liked affection with anyone(not even my family) except I loved it from my girlfriends & I knew em all online for awhile 1st.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

19 Nov 2015, 8:49 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Outrider wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Just tell the girl you want to take things slowly at first. That can be kind of romantic because you are showing you want to get to know them as a person and its not just their booty you're after.


I'm pretty sure that really is just it. I just take things very slowly and put getting to know their personality as my priority.

My first girlfriend we dated for 2 weeks the first time, yet even if I had the urges of affection I just never ever actually acted on any of them and like I said when I was around her the thought never entered my head, only when I was away from her. We only held hands, hugged, etc. the second time we dated and that was only a few times. Along with no kiss. This is a bit more private but I will say I did stay the night at her house, and there was some in-bed cuddling there and no more or less than that.

Anyway, yeah with my first girlfriend when I think back to it, I probably wouldn't have kissed her even after a month of dating probably (that's my prediction).

I also just want affection to be an extremely 'natural' thing and to just let it happen, other's also encourage to just be spontaneous and a bit adventurous if you would like to. But it seems if I rely on things to be 'natural', I don't actually do anything.

Affection is a big part of developing attraction at first really and a lack of it would probably make the other person feel too much like a friendship, but at the same time I don't enjoy blindly jumping into relationships. The 2nd girl I took two weeks to get to know, just that nothing else no physical touch ever evoked. The recent and current girl I barely know at all.


I think maybe you are afraid of things getting too serious and things like kissing and physical touch giving off the signal you're committed for the rest of your life or something. The reality is kissing and touch is normal in the dating phase its not jumping into a relationship to do those things. Jumping in would be like immediately agreeing to be a girls boyfriend without getting to know her first. I can understand wanting to wait until you know for sure you and the girl are on the same page about being boyfriend and girlfriend before kissing or touching, but once after that point it will look like you aren't interested if you don't show any affection.


Sweetleaf wrote:
Outrider wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Just tell the girl you want to take things slowly at first. That can be kind of romantic because you are showing you want to get to know them as a person and its not just their booty you're after.


I'm pretty sure that really is just it. I just take things very slowly and put getting to know their personality as my priority.

My first girlfriend we dated for 2 weeks the first time, yet even if I had the urges of affection I just never ever actually acted on any of them and like I said when I was around her the thought never entered my head, only when I was away from her. We only held hands, hugged, etc. the second time we dated and that was only a few times. Along with no kiss. This is a bit more private but I will say I did stay the night at her house, and there was some in-bed cuddling there and no more or less than that.

Anyway, yeah with my first girlfriend when I think back to it, I probably wouldn't have kissed her even after a month of dating probably (that's my prediction).

I also just want affection to be an extremely 'natural' thing and to just let it happen, other's also encourage to just be spontaneous and a bit adventurous if you would like to. But it seems if I rely on things to be 'natural', I don't actually do anything.

Affection is a big part of developing attraction at first really and a lack of it would probably make the other person feel too much like a friendship, but at the same time I don't enjoy blindly jumping into relationships. The 2nd girl I took two weeks to get to know, just that nothing else no physical touch ever evoked. The recent and current girl I barely know at all.


I think maybe you are afraid of things getting too serious and things like kissing and physical touch giving off the signal you're committed for the rest of your life or something. The reality is kissing and touch is normal in the dating phase its not jumping into a relationship to do those things. Jumping in would be like immediately agreeing to be a girls boyfriend without getting to know her first. I can understand wanting to wait until you know for sure you and the girl are on the same page about being boyfriend and girlfriend before kissing or touching, but once after that point it will look like you aren't interested if you don't show any affection.


I think another thing that's influenced it is my first girlfriend/relationship. Ironically, she felt I was coming on too strong too quickly, when I showed no affection whatsoever and only spent time with her and used my words.

And I see what you mean but at the same time for me it's like I do want a more assured sign that we will last before expressing strong affection.

Two of my friends took 6 weeks before their 'first kiss' - they obviously hugged and held hands and all that but 6 weeks for the kiss.

So like with my first girlfriend in 12 days of dating I showed no affection but I was making a very strong effort to get to know her.

My criteria seems to be if we've lasted at least 2-4 weeks, both know each other decently well now, have officially talked of exclusivity, then I might show affection. It's just that 'greenlight' feeling. Even if one or two of these categories are fulfilled I'd prefer they all are. I also just like things to be extremely natural and just 'let it happen when it happens' but for some reason when I do this, nothing actually does happen. Anyway, my 1st girlfriend I would have began to express affection very soon as all 3 categories essentially were fulfilled, but she broke up with me adruptly just when I thought things were going well. I was devastated.

Anyway, all this has been making me think about my current relationship. Yes, me and the new girl have made things official and I've started to get to know her (but still barely do), and first date is Sunday.

I've decided perhaps I will be a bite more spontaneous and confident, and just do it and have the first kiss soon. Should it be Sunday, though? Or the second date? I'll definitely hug her goodbye and possibly hold hands at some point though.

And, by all means I WANT a long-term, committed relationship and nothing short-term or non-serious, it just seems those precious first couple of weeks that are supposed to be the 'honey-moon phase', one of the ultimate 'highs' of the relationship (one of many - other 'high moments' include engagement, marriage, honeymoon after marriage, etc.) are what make it difficult for me to actually make it through.



Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

19 Nov 2015, 8:56 pm

Perhaps I value personality too much, to the point that it costs me the physical aspects of a relationship at an appropriate time.

I just highly value compatibility and all that.

I've always been something of a perfectionist so that probably has to do with it - I want to truly know if we are compatible first-hand and if I actually like this person personality-wise.

My standards just feel high - I want to know I am dating someone I truly get along with and that we are the best of the best for each other.

Me and my ex breaking up is just a sign that I was right and supports my argument - I didn't waste my first kiss or show any sort of affection but wanted to test compatibility first, and shortly before that stuff would have all began, she adruptly ends things just when I thought things were going their best.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,743
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

20 Nov 2015, 6:11 pm

If it feels right on Sunday, yeah, kiss her. If you don't think it's the right time, then don't do it.

Everyone is different. We can't tell you what to do. Only you know what is right for you and only you and her will be there on the date experiencing the mood. Just go with your intuition.

Hope you have a nice time.



Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

20 Nov 2015, 7:41 pm

hurtloam wrote:
If it feels right on Sunday, yeah, kiss her. If you don't think it's the right time, then don't do it.

Everyone is different. We can't tell you what to do. Only you know what is right for you and only you and her will be there on the date experiencing the mood. Just go with your intuition.

Hope you have a nice time.


Yeah, we're aspies here and don't always follow traditional dating/social rules, so you really could say it's my life and i can choose to do things how I want to. But, at the same time, other people have to be taken into account especailly in regards to a relationship.

Well, this new girlfriend doesn't appear to be N.T. and perhaps isn't the type to play 'the game', but NT or Neurodiverse, we all still have the same needs romantically and phyiscal-wise.

Yeah, I'll do what feels right then...



dobyfm
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 291

21 Nov 2015, 8:06 pm

I am strange when comes to affection. Many times I imagine a relationship with a guy with minimal affection.