Finding it hard to enjoy new relationship? 'won't last'?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a young male and have my second girlfriend after a terrible relationship with the first.

This new girl is great and things are mutual and equal now. I can already tell we're going to last a lot longer than the first relationship I was in (which was only very short).

However, perhaps due to my aspie tendency to overthink things and be extremely introspective, I am finding it hard to acutlaly find pleasure in this relationship.

I definitely do, i really like her and we have a lot of fun together, etc.

But it's because I have the feeling we 'won't last' and that is probably true as many relationships don't last, especially teen ones.

I keep trying to tell myself 'Even if it doesn't last, the point is to ENJOY THE RIDE. You only live once.' but this doesn't always work.

I also believe if things were to end, the end of a relationship doesn't always have to be bad but can be a good thing and you can still continue to be good friends.

I don't want this to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Either way, even if this relationship does end, how do I know i just won't feel the same with EVERY relationship? That it 'won't last' and really I'm just enjoying the ride before being single again. That's all I can think. 'What happens when you go back to being sinlge?'

In all honesty I suffer from extreme loneliness and I think the belief that being in a relationship won't make you happy is bull5*t. It hasn't changed my life, surely, but I'm not afraid to admit I am at least *slightly* happier all the time. Yes, I still suffer from depression and loneliness when I'm not with her (my friends live in other cities so she's my only option), I still feel my life is boring, empty and meaningless a lot, but I'm at least happy to love, and happy to be loved.

It's not like I have nothing, but I'll still hate having to go back to being single again.

My questions:

Why am I in such a paradox? I don't want to be alone and single but even when I am in a relationship I am full of anxiety and doubts knowing it won't last?

Is it normal to feel the way I do?

And what can I do to overcome these negative feelings?

I think those feelings are normal when we've experienced a lot of disappointment or pain.

The feelings are pushing against you. You need to push back.
Push back in action.
Pursue the girl. What I mean is: take initiative.
Make sure you do plenty of suggesting getting together or suggesting various activities.

Do NOT back off and "test" to see if she will put in the effort.
She might, at first, but this pattern will backfire after a while.
If you let your feelings cause you to back off, then you will continue to back off more and more and more as your feelings increase (and your anxiety alongside.)
Eventually, she won't be able to continue to do all the work of keeping the relationship going, and it will die.

It is important to conquer anxiety by just busting through it and doing what is necessary, even if we are afraid of it.
You like the girl.
Go for it.
If you get wrapped up in your own fears about failure, that actually is somewhat selfish because you are caring more about your own risk than caring for your girlfriend.
Make sure you communicate to her that you like her and spending time with her.

Yep....Nerdygirl offers excellent advice.

You shouldn't get bogged down in overthinking.

You have to DO, rather than THINK, at times.

And when you feel like kissing her, take her hand instead. See how she reacts.

It's normal, of course a good relationship should make you feel happier and FS Fitzgerald summed it up best that the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to maintain two opposed thoughts in the mind (I'm crazy in love with this person I never wanna lose; if they left me, it'd suck Hutus eventually be okay).

I can relate all too well into overthinking things. There is a reason that most scientists, IT support, engineers, etc all seem to have poor relations: relationships CANNOT be taught from a textbook and are based on gut instinct and heart first and foremost. I know my Fiancee and every girl I knows loves unbridled passion, like when I randomly grab her and kiss her so hard I practically chip her front teeth. I obviously don't recommend THAT on a first date but you get the idea.

I have a (soon to be former) friend who strikes out with women. He has no idea how to be present and micro analyzes them to death. I am sore from the bruises of banging my head against a wall: he's got tonnes of money, good looks but doesn't have a clue and frustrates me to no end. He uses the 'checklist' on dates and treats them like job interviews and that will turn anyone, male or female off.

Maybe you could look into doing some reading about positive thinking.

I'm in a relationship and went through a period of worrying about the relationship way too much so I did some reading about positive thinking, how not to worry, I spent time focusing on what could bring me happiness outside of the relationship.

I found that I worried less when I would reread important quotes from the reading and on days when I would do things for myself- like go to the library, do things to get out of the house by myself. But after a while I got back into my old habits of staying home more often and forgetting those important words and I begun worrying again.

Like you said, you don't want to become a self fulfilling prophecy. You are recognizing right now that you have a problem that could get in the way of your relationship, so do something to fix it.