Your first real date: expectation vs. reality

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I had my first real date at age 18, in the first sememster of freshman year of college. With a girl who showed interest in me. I wasn't attracted to her at all, but I didn't have a car at the time, and was thrilled beyond belief that she liked me despite that. (A girl in high school broke a date with me after agreeing to one, when I told her I didn't have a car.) So I asked this girl out on a date. She said yes! We took a bus to the city's touristy promenade/walkway/boardwalk area on the river, and had our date there, plus the bus ride there and back.

* * * 3 days later * * *

EXPECTATION:
Having had absolutely zero dating experience in high school, all I had to fall back on was teenage sitcoms, movies, and courtship documentaries on The Learning Channel and the Discovery Channel. Based on what I saw, I got the idea that dates start out light and playful, then become progressively intense and romantic toward the end, culminating with a kiss on the mouth. So that's roughly the image I had in mind of how my date would go.

We meet in the university's coffee shop, the only food place open on campus on Saturday night. It's dark and a bit chilly, but the romantic atmosphere causes us to feel warm inside. We nervously laugh amongst ourselves, admitting to how we both feel nervous, then start walking to the bus stop. (City buses stop on two sides of campus, with one bus running really late.) We ride the bus over to the promenade. We look at the river bathed in bright lights from the streetlights on the nearby roads, along with the buildings on both sides with glowing windows. She comments on how romantic this is, and I agree.

Later, we sit down to eat, looking into each other's eyes, saying: "this is so nice" in a dreamy tone of voice. After eating, we catch a bus back to her place. During the bus ride, we cuddle, obvious to the other bus riders' looks. We get off the bus, and I walk her to the door. Right at the door, we hem and haw for a little bit, then kiss slowly and romantically. We agree to see each other again soon, then she walks inside.

REALITY:
We meet in the university's coffee shop, the only food place open on campus on Saturday night. Only at the last minute, she pushed the date forward from the romantic start time of 6:00 PM (sunset) to mundane 4:00 PM (daylight). Which threw a giant monkey wrench into my imagined scenario.

I still met her when she asked me to. We said our hellos, and started walking to the bus. While she must have felt "OK cool, let me get to know him", I was on cloud nine: "I'm on a real date!! !" On the bus, he conversation is more awkward than trying to drive a car on an hockey field, although she was a good sport about it. We arrive at the promenade. The cloudy day made the river look gray and unromantic, with long lines of cars on nearby roadways making annoying noise. The buildings looked nice, though. I tried to make conversation, and she answered me, and even laughed at my jokes, but it still felt awkward. I offered to sit down to eat, and she agreed. I wanted to order an appertizer to share (it'd be romantic), but she wanted a club sandwich. Another monkey wrench!

It got dark by then, but the awkwardness got too strong. So I suggested going back. She agreed, but wanted to window-shop a little first, with me having zero interest in the stores. During the bus ride back, she seemed OK with me putting my arm around her, but wasn't leaning into me. At her door, I was no longer even sure if she'd want a kiss. So I resigned myself to a hug. I *really* enjoyed it at the time, but compared to the much nicer hugs I got recently (from women who weren't even interested in me), it was pretty dry and uninspiring.

Questions for all of you:
1. Did anyone else had this happen to them? You have your first real date, whether it's at 12, 18, or 30. You probably had a certain idea of what a date is supposed to be like. Did your first real date match the idea? How so or how not?
2. Why would this girl, who agreed to actually go on a real date with me---without a car!---give me such a dry hug, while women later on, who weren't even interested in me romantically, give me much warmer, more affectionate hugs?

I know what the root cause of my problem was. The sitcoms and movies showing people dating didn't cater to my age. They showed either early teens or 20-somethings, when depicting dating/romantic scenarios; not a single one of those shows had 18-year-old characters on a date. So the information I got was ridiculously mismatched to my demographic, and possibly did more harm than good, as far as my dating skills were concerned.

It was at age 28 for me. I assumed I would know if it went well and would schedule a second date to 'escalate' things. Apparently I was wrong about how successful it was: she made a BS excuse about being busy but if those plans fell apart she would contact me. I was so naive!!

My Fiancee wasn't very affectionate on the first date. I later found out it was a combination of nerves and being averse to touching strangers. I was similar to that in my younger years.

My issue was a few women were VERY physically affectionate, had a dreamy look in their eyes, commented on how amazing the date was and how they cannot wait for the next date....... and they flake.

Expectation -- Some day, a date would no longer sound like something far too serious and mature for me. Some day, the idea that I might have a date could even be taken seriously. Some day, I might actually have a first date.

Reality -- That day never came. As I get older, it seems more and more laughable for me to hope to be ever dateable.

I don't know whether my lank experience applies to you, but, the only two times I remember girls hugging me tightly and with no hurry to let me go, they clearly had some kind of affection towards me, but it wasn't any less obvious I was by no means dating material for them. Even though they were my own age, and physically smaller than me, I think their affection was more like what a mature woman may feel towards a little boy she's taking care of. That is, in fact, the way I tend to perceive my interaction with any woman who doesn't get defensive---and the latter just means she isn't sure of her ability to fend off an overgrown boy who wants to play with her, not that she sees me as a mature man.

The fact that those two girls were my age, and not family members, however, prevented their hugs from feeling to me as if they were my mother. It was heaven to me, though I knew there was something substantially better and richer beyond that, and you have to be much more worthy than me to earn it.

Tv show and movie dates are unrelated to real-life ones. They're a bad basis for measuring actual dates against.


1. My first date was at 13, we went to a boat show and he kissed me goodbye (peck on lips). Wasn't terribly exciting.

2. How much affection she showed and what it "means" depends on how affectionate/tactile she is in general, i.e. it is only measurable if you've a baseline. (A guy I spent high school in love with was snuggly, greeted me with a peck on the lips and wasn't the least bit romantically interested, just an outgoing, tactile guy like that with everybody. I knew my untactitle BFF was nuts about a guy when she sat on the same side of a picnic table as him. Not next to him, just same side).

My first date, when I was 16 or 17, was pretty much a disaster. I can't remember what I was expecting but after I picked her up, she decided that we should go to a different theater to see some other movie. We got there, the one she wanted to see wasn't playing, she was freezing the entire time, but didn't cuddle up to me. I dropped her off and went home, and never called her again. I could tell the whole time it wasn't going well.

In terms of affection, my (now) wife and I didn't hug at all on our first 2 dates. We had to wait for date 3 for our first kiss, but we have been married for 16 years now, and it is a good marriage. We deeply love each other, or at least I love her as much as an Aspie can.

I have had good hugs (and other things) from women I have just met and we turned out to be all wrong for each other also-so I wouldn't read too much into it.

I went on my first real date when I was 16. We saw a movie. I had no expectations. We ate popcorn together. We held hands. Nothing happened (until next year! She happened to be the first girl I ever slept with!)

I was so scared to ask this girl out that I was shaking--visibly.

There was a time when I was 16 when this girl really wanted to do stuff with me. She was so pissed that I had to get home at curfew! She thought I was square. We had just saw the movie "The Turning Point." It wasn't a "real date," though.

I used to make out with this girl on the floor of the "rec hall" at summer camp when I was 14, "Butterflies are Free to Fly" by Elton John was playing while we made out. Elton John was really big in 1975. No dates. It was just taken for granted that we would make out whenever we met. She was only 12, though she was much, much more experience than I was. I didn't know what tongue-kissing was until I met her. Somebody taught me the correct way to tongue kiss one year later. When I was 14, forget about it!

Well my first date she didn't realize it was a date but thought of it as just a hangout by mistake. Whoops!

But it went well and was light and casual coffee.

I didn't know what to expect as I'd never been on a first date and don't usually believe the unrealistic love movies.

I didn't expect a first kiss and was saving the goodybe hug for the second date (in which I did).

But it was just light, casual fun chatting and getting to know one another. Second date I attempted to get a bit more intimate and subtly flirt but either she was ignoring it or didn't pick-up on it.

Somehow I managed to stretch-out three dates with this girl even if things were never mutual, she let me down easy on the third. But we're now great friends.

I did feel the 'oh my god oh my god I'm actually on a REAL date with a GIRL' feeling.

Anyway, like the others have said I agree the level of affection entirely depends on the person.

My first girlfriend wasn't very affectionate at all (and I wasn't either tbh), my current girlfriend was very affectionate and we were constantly hugging and light comfortable touches since the very first date, kissed her on the cheek on a few times on the recent second.

I'm in a quite a few Meetup groups, and the women there give and receive hugs quite freely. They're expressive, but strictly friendly hugs: with a tight but non-sexual squeeze. The women who hugged me that way did so even if they weren't single. And the women I danced with on cruises, when they hugged me while thanking me for the dance, totally pressed their bodies into me. I suppose it has to do with trust. Trusting me to appreciate the hugs, whether strictly platonic or outright flirtatious, as just a warm gesture, and not misinterpret them for romantic interest. My first-ever date, by contrast, was probably being super-cautious, after seeing desperation pour out of me like water from a fire hose. I can't blame her: I was really desperate, and it showed.

Yup, it was a nice feeling when I had it. Only I felt dissatisfied that I experienced it at age 18, rather than 11, like most NT guys. The girl I had a date with also seemed to want to be friends, after not liking me. But I was looking for a girlfriend. So I ended up ghosting her quite harshly, before knowing the term "to ghost" even existed. Oh well, I don't blame myself.

Must be something about Elton John. My first kiss, which was a brief make out session on the dance floor of the Phi Sig house was to "Saturday Night's Already for Fighting"

Most NTs probably have their first real date at around 16. I just don't see 11 year olds dating.

aw. i remember the first time kissing my current GF, on the cheek and also my first time kissing a girl, period. i was wearing a fez (A. FEZ!). it had been a while since she confessed that she liked me, so i was trying to rush to make some sort of move before a feeling of irremovable stagnation washed over us both. we usually met before her last class oso that day i...did it! in a fez!

(and the first time we kissed "proper" was before my second class some weeks later...it was accidental and that makes it so much better. hahahah...ha....)

my first date, real or not, happened march 15, 2015...i was 14 and she 15. so long already. i know not what to say...

these things were big for me. i'm trying really hard now not to explode in a torrent of text. she had messaged me the day before on FB after she came to me (me?? why me?!?!) in a rather bad emotional state...suicidal even. somehow, my the act of some wizard or warlock i had managed to get her chin back up. wo we arranged to go get somethign to eat after school...kahuna grill, the place downtown with all the little tropical fish in the fish tank i would stare at and that place is closed now!! and it's a pizza kitchen!

anyway after tossing and turning for hours that night i dreamt of our strolling around a cruise ship, hands held, fingers intertwined. 14 year old me thought that was realistic.

the reality was that after school, leaving to walk there, typical topics of talk for kids in their mid teens. she came up with a game, coming up with oxymorons that i thought was adorable...if a bit dorky. watching of strange videos in that former eatery ensured that would have me, to this day searching for those videos! i want to relive those times!
topics of talk then including large phallic weapons in video games (saints row IIRC), chickens hugging (we simulated it)...her past, how her parents "kicked her out" or whatever, at 13, something i am in doubt. probably a story used to manipulate, in which case i was absolutely ensnared.

she was wearing skinny jeans with pink socks, and dark colored slip on sneakers, shaved head (i miss it) with dark green beanis, a matching color vest. braces, mild acne. she was gorgeous, and if she sees this post, i am dead.

"my boy kip", she posted online.

she was also the first person (besides my parents) to whom i disclosed my aspergers, too, which was also..memorable. the way she asked, though: "...what's wrong with you"?

as a rift opened up in the earth presenting m with one that would "deliver" me from loneliness and perceived friendliness. and it worked. i stuck and felt an attraction like no one else before.

that restaurant is closed now...as is another restaurant she and i went to that december (probably for the best, i could never finish anything i ordered there). meanings!! !

her grandma drove me home, or close to it. so nice, a rather young grandma too. then my parents were very strict about my going out with friends..so she called them! she really did.


(and thus, limerence was born. 2012‐ present day)

*throws up everywhere*

I think NTs have their first sexual intercourse at 16. A simple date (ice cream after school, or something) happens much earlier for them. When I was in 6th grade, I remember hearing my classmates talking about going on dates, kissing, etc. They got the social skills for that, so I figured "why not?" And by middle school, more than half my classmates have gone at least one date. (Some of the stories may have been fabricated, but I'm sure most weren't.)

I wasn't talking about the "ice cream and soda" type of date. I was speaking about dates to the movies, then dinner afterwards, with the possibility of a "good night kiss" afterwards. A more "mature" type of date.

I went on a "ice cream" type of date with a girl when I was about 9--but there was no expectation--except maybe a peck on the cheek or something.

I think intercourse at 16 depends upon the type of "crowd" a person is in. If they are partiers, then, yes, there might be early "going all the way." Amongst most high-schoolers, though, full-throttle sexual relations didn't seem, to me, to start until at least senior year. And this was during a time of much promiscuity (the 1970s).

I think kids, for the most part, wait longer these days--unless they hang out in a particularly "partying" crowd.