Aspie/Neurotypical relationships
How do they work? Are they really posible? I find it a bit hard to believe that an aspie and one that's not on the spectrum can form a romantic relationship. It's just that I never had a boyfriend before or anyone I could really relate too. I think that if I'll ever be in a relationship i'll have to be with someone with the same condition as me. I never even held hands or kissed with anyone. For anyone that's in a relationship like this could you tell me how it's like? Is it hard to maintain and are there very often clashes and misunderstanding?
It's quite possible. It happens all the time.
People with Asperger's/Autism, even though this Site is called "WrongPlanet," are of the same subspecies as neurotypicals, and have firm roots on this Planet of ours.
Compromises have to be made, of course (but aren't compromises ALWAYS made in relationships?)
I've had romantic relationships since I was 19. I'm a 32 year old "man" now. I put man in quotation marks because I'm not sure I'm entirely an adult. That's neither here nor there, though.
I always tell my girlfriends about my mental condition within a week or three of starting to date. I feel like bringing it up right at the beginning on the first date, it's like putting up a big red flag. They might assume I'm totally crazy or something before they get to know me.
No relationship I've ever had has lasted more than a year. Actually, a year is my record. My average is closer to 1 to 3 months. I don't know why, it just ends up that way. More often than not I get dumped, though I've dumped my fair share.
I feel we are very close-minded and have a long checklist, and once they check off all the boxes without a doubt, we fall in love, but don't really bother sharing that at all until they tell us.
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Some will, some won't, so what, whatever!
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I'm a 22 year old male currently dating a 20 year old NT girl. It's been going on for about 4-5 months now and before christmas we agreed to be a couple.
Before this relationship I was in a 1 year long relationship which ended last january (2015). I've also been on a couple of dates earlier and had some teenage relationships (1-2 months), but even though I dont feel like I really understand women.
I'm that type of guy who likes to please my GF. By that I mean that I respect her and let her be alone if she needs that, or that I'm there for her when its needed. I also want this to be an equal relationship as far as it goes, since im an aspie.
We've spent more and more time together lately, and it's been really great. She also knows about my struggles and says that she wants us to work it out. But before we got to know eachother she didn't really know so much about aspergers.
I'm really anxious about if she really knows what she's agreed to. We're still in the "newly in love" phase of our relationship, but what when we start to progress further? How will we deal with everyday issues? When I've read some of the posts here in the forum about how to deal with everydaylife as a couple, I feel that many of the posts focus on the limitations between AS and NT relationship.
I really do love her, I really do...and she says she loves me back to. But also my worst fear is for she to dump me for some reason. As I said, we've been dating for some months now, but even though I thing we have much explorig to do together. By that I mean "to get to know eachother" better.
To sum it up in a quick way, as the owner of the thread said: does relationships between AS and NTs work? Why?/Why not? Any advice on the road?
I'm greatfull for all replies
They function with great difficulty, but for most, the rewards outweigh the costs.
If you believe in your relationship, and work hard to maintain it, then yes, it really is possible.
I'm in something of an open relationship (of sorts) with many Neuraltypical men and women. We don't live together, but we occasionally do stuff together, and yes we do have sex, but it's not like that is the basis of our relationship.
It feels good to have someone you can empathize with when you need to, that will help stave off the loneliness, help ease your burdens and dissuade your painful memories away. A close confidant in moments of a crisis, and pillar of support to keep you from falling.
People were never meant to live alone, isolated from one another...
Oh yes, like you would not believe.
Some of the of the angriest, most dysfunctional, and excessively violent couples I've ever had the displeasure of meeting (outside of television) have been between a Neuraltypical and someone with Autism. Sure I've seen content couple before, but those are few and far between, and the amount of effort they put into it... Don't misunderstand me, a working relationship takes effort, but sometimes it seems like too much effort.
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Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, but the last step on the path to salvation.
I don't know. I think there are some that do. Mine is not working out so well although he's not exactly NT. He's definitely not an aspie though and I don't think he understands me at all, even when I explain things to him.
For instance, he doesn't get how my mind works at all. He thinks I'm insensitive. When I tell him about my sensory problems, and that I hate certain things like being touched, he does it anyway. I think he finds me difficult to live with.
I'm not sure anyone would want to put up with me, and I'm not sure I'd get along with someone like me either. I'm not really very tolerant of others because of my sensory issues and need for order.
He sounds like the carefree, nonchalant, playful type.
Has he always been this way with you or is this a recent development?
Also, what kind of work does he do? People who have stressful and strict orderly jobs usually seek some kind of release at home, otherwise it starts to eat away at their sanity and wear them down.
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Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, but the last step on the path to salvation.
Before I always said yes as long as both NT and Aspie want to learn about each other. Now I'm on the fence and that's because I haven't been in a real life relationship with an Aspie. However, I have tried the long distance "friendships" with two Aspie guys and both didn't work out and I still don't know what happened. You all know that one of the friendships lasted almost two years and even with that one I found myself hurt and crying quite often. It was what seemed on his part to be a lack of empathy - even though he thought he was showing that he cared, I always felt alone and like the friendship was burdensome to him. Both Aspie guy friends just stopped talking giving me no reason of why and I'm still hurt by it. I have a third friendship with another Aspie guy that has been going a year now, but it's not a real friendship like I need. He's ok with just talking once every couple of months, but I need more than that from a real friendship. Sometimes I forget about him after not talking for so long, but then I remember him since I have his picture in my livingroom. The friendship still feels like acquaintances.
So what I'm saying is that I'm having a problem with just keeping a so-called "friendship" going that also has the problem of distance because of the feeling on my part of a lack of empathy leading me to feel really hurt and alone. And some may say it would be different if I was having a friendship with them in real life, however, I also had a long distance friendship with an NT guy that lasted 4 yrs and we talked and texted every day for hours. That friendship ended only because his new wife wanted it to end because we seemed to be closer than just friends.
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Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.
I also want to add that my dad has A LOT of Aspie traits. All I can say is that I belive that I never married because of my parent's marriage being so bad. My dad would (and still does) come out and say rude and hurtful things, is very much a narcissist with no empathy that I can see, has no friends, no hobbies, can't look you in the eye and I'm sure I could go on. If he's Aspie, I can tell you there is not a snowballs chance in you - know - where that I could ever live with a person like that again. My Ma wanted to divorce him several times, but had no where to go. My brother and I also don't have much to do with him anymore. My Ma still cries over some of the stuff he said years ago and I pretty much have turned off any feelings for him at all which really bothers me because he's still my Pa.
_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.
He sounds like the carefree, nonchalant, playful type.
Has he always been this way with you or is this a recent development?
Also, what kind of work does he do? People who have stressful and strict orderly jobs usually seek some kind of release at home, otherwise it starts to eat away at their sanity and wear them down.
He is very playful. He has a great sense of humor. So do I. Although I often think he's too silly. In a way we are similar. But he is really "touchy-feely". He shows affection through touch and I find it very uncomfortable and even threatening at times.
He is carefree in that he doesn't worry about his environment: mess, dirt, and disorder don't bother him. He's not very picky about most things. I am the opposite.
He does have a stressful job and I think it does make him feel better to be that way when he comes home. I guess I am unable to be the person that he wants.
He has always been this way but I was more tolerant in the past. I was medicated; it was a bad medication for me, and when I stopped taking it I regained my original personality. I lost the apathy that the medication brought on, and then became less tolerant of these things.
And things have just gotten worse over the course of the relationship and I think he is now less tolerant of me as well.
It seems as if relationships with Aspies aren't working well for you, so I wonder why do you seek them out?
Reading about your father makes me wonder if you are drawn to men like him because that is what you had grown up with. I have read that women often seek out men that remind them of their fathers. I'm not sure if this is true.
It seems as if relationships with Aspies aren't working well for you, so I wonder why do you seek them out?
Reading about your father makes me wonder if you are drawn to men like him because that is what you had grown up with. I have read that women often seek out men that remind them of their fathers. I'm not sure if this is true.
I wouldn't doubt that a bit. There are a lot of things I like about Aspies - a couple being loyalty and honesty. I also like my alone time so I understand that about them too. I take my friendships very seriously and I thought that Aspies would too and I'm just not finding that to be true from my own experiences. I also thought the empathy thing wouldn't bother me too much because I don't really show my feelings either, but I can't explain how it feels when you encounter it - extremely lonely. Now that I think about it, I've never had any real "connection" with my dad either. Being around him is like being around a stranger.
Anyway, I'd like to think that I stick around here for the interesting conversations, but maybe it's because of something else - the brain works in mysterious ways.
_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.
I think my special someone is NT, but I'm often unsure. *shrug* It doesn't matter to me either way since we get along so well together.
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