The impact of (autistic) children on autistic parents.

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My wife and I aren't ready to have children yet, but it's something we've thought about. We're both women, but my wife doesn't want to ever be pregnant. I have autism. I also have a moderate hearing loss.

My SIL has a severely autistic child (E) and over Christmas the topic of us having children came up. (MIL don't want us to have children and outright said that they will so obviously favour E that it wouldn't be fair on our potential children to bring them to see them - according to her SIL 2 and her partner have decided to forgo children to dedicate their time to E. SIL 2 says she prefers being an aunt).

SIL worries that my needs would become overshadowed by a potentially disabled child, though perhaps not if they were mild. She is also concerned about the hearing loss because music is the main way they communicate with E.

The rest of them simply think it isn't ethical. I do worry about how I'd cope. I don't want this to descend into whether it's ethical for disabled people to have children.

I'd like to know how people cope with having children, autistic or not. How they feel it impacts on their life and what sorts of things they do to make those issues more managable?

I don't think you should preclude yourself from having children because of your autism.

I don't think it is fair for your M-I-L to expect that all her kids abstain from having kids to devote all the family attention to one grandchild, regardless of that child's circumstance. That is not her right and it puts a lot of guilt and pressure on people.

As to the more pragmatic part of your question, it is very hard to summarize the answer. Having a child impacts your own freedom and choices in many ways, and having a child with a disability extends the time frame (possibly indefinitely) and impacts your life more so, depending on severity. If your child is mildly autistic it may make no significant difference at all relative to raising an NT child. On the other side of severity it could completely take over your life.

If you have sensory issues, any child will impact them. If you have an autistic child, your sensory issues will impact each other. You have to think about how things will effect your child before you do them, and you may have to not do many things you like. I

f you have an autistic child, you may have to facilitate social activities more than you would like, and deal with the school on the regular. If your child has an IEP, you will have to fight for what your kid needs and how he/she is treated.

There is so much, like I said, I don't know how to summarize it.

You don't say in your OP how "severe" your own autism is, and that will certainly influence the result you have.

Is your wife into raising a child, as long as she doesn't have to go through a pregnancy? Is she NT? What issues does she have that would bear on parenting? (e.g., chronic conditions, etc)

In my not-so-humble opinion, your S-I-L's and M-I-L's opinions should have no business in your decision. That's easy for me to say, but of course your wife will have to deal with the fallout, not me. It just offends me that they are telling you how to live. It's none of their business!

What's the stance of your own extended family on your situation? Would they be good grandparents/uncles/aunts etc?

IMHO, that sounds really dysfunctional. Telling the entire extended family not to have any more grandkids because one is disabled? Really?

Even within a nuclear family, plenty of families raise both a disabled child and a nondisabled sibling - or two disabled kids. It does bring some challenges, but it's not like all siblings of disabled kids are scarred for life by their upbringing. With an extended family, raising multiple grandkids is even less of a challenge.

What does it matter if grandma devotes more care to one child? They'll all have their own parents, and each child should be more important to their parents than their cousins are.



Well, firstly, if you had an autistic child, your needs and theirs would probably be similar in many ways. You could meet the needs of both without much added effort. Second, your family seems to think it's impossible to divide care between multiple people, and that's just plain nonsense.



This is just silly. Firstly, not all severely autistic kids respond well to music. And it's even less likely that they'll respond to music if they aren't brought up with music as a bonding activity. Secondly, there are other ways to communicate with a severely autistic child, even if they enjoy music. For example, many of these kids are extremely visual, which as a person with hearing loss, you're uniquely equipped to handle. Thirdly, you said your hearing loss is moderate, not profound. Presumably that means you can still hear music if it's loud enough, or with hearing aids, or something. Which means you could learn songs and sing them to your child, if necessary.

In conclusion, don't worry what they think. If you want kids, go for it.

Oh, and in case you'd rather the kid not be autistic (assuming your wife isn't), or just to have a link to both you and your wife, it is possible to create a child with one woman's egg that is carried in another woman's womb. If you use IVF, you can implant the resulting embryo in any healthy womb, not just the genetic mother's. (Not saying you should avoid having an autistic kid, if you'd prefer one. I think preferring NT or autistic are both acceptable options.)

I agree with Ettina on every point! What they are doing sounds incredibly controlling and dysfunctional. Telling everyone else in the next generation to not have kids so that the grandparents can focus on one grandchild alone is...wrong. It sounds like they *like* being needed a little too much, IMO.

Unless you are aware that your issues (hearing and autism) are severe and prevalent in *your* bloodlines, the chances are no better or worse than for anyone else. And raising children - including those on the spectrum and those who are deaf or have other sensory issues - can be a wonderful experience. I have somewhat severe sensory issues, I'm on the spectrum (aspie), am trans and likely mildly bipolar ; all of them run on my mom's side of the family.

My daughter is neural-atypical in every way that I am & our son is likely on the spectrum too. My spouse is not, but contributed anxiety issues (diagnosed in them and our daughter). We joke about it sometimes and it can be difficult. Because we are all so similar, we sometimes butt heads like goats (especially when my daughter and I both *know* what *should* happen next). But my spouse and I have also been able to raise them to know that they are unique and amazing, too, and how to work around their limitations because we inherently understand them.

Just like any other family, really...

I want to commend you for giving thought to a decision that I think should be taken seriously by everyone; so many people in this world are cranking out babies regardless of what impact it may have on them and others--and sometimes even those who do think it through still have a child for all the wrong reasons...but that's a rant for another day.

Since my husband and I don't have children (and won't, at our age), I can't give you specific advice on that, but family members who think you should base your most personal decisions on their needs, desires, and self-centered attitudes (thinly disguised as concern for you and your potential child(ren)) should not be taken seriously! IMO, they're proving just how poor their own judgment truly is. Perhaps their absence would be a good thing, after all.