How Best to Tell a Person they are Being Rude

Post Reply New Topic

I work at a public high school for the arts. I have a 16 year old student this year who is autistic. I have him working with a peer tutor in two subjects. Often, when he is working with the tutor, he gets frustrated with the subject and in turn, frustrated with her. He will get somewhat argumentative and exasperated with her. What is the best way to approach this? Today, it happened again and I talked to him about it after she left. He did seem to realize that his behavior was inappropriate and will often apologize to she or I or both. Would it be appropriate to try to get her to let him know when he is behaving rudely? This student is a wonderfully talented visual artist and I truly want him to be successful here and beyond in college and the workplace. However, I am very concerned about how he is coming off to others and fear people in the workplace especially won't be tolerant of this. So, I want to see what I can do while he is here to promote change. I know so much of this is just beyond his control, but I am hopeful that since he often apologizes, that he knows his behavior could improve. Thoughts? Thanks!

If he is behaving rudely, then yes it is appropriate for him to be told, as long at it is done calmly and professionally.
It's less important to worry about how he comes off to others, that is their problem unless he is being disruptive.
Try to aim/plan for a significant change over the whole time this student is with you, rather than expecting a large change immediately. The legacy of you doing good work with this individual will mostly be seen and experienced by others, not by yourself, I'm sure your hard work and patience will be very much appreciated by the student.

There is no need to be hostile and rude of course but the direct and immediate approach works best. I wish other would have pointed things like this out to me and instead of glib advice like 'don't do X', explain WHY it's inappropriate and more importantly what a better way to handle the situation is. Explain that know he is a good kid but why you should try to avoid doing XYZ.

I for example when I worked as a receiver Iused to go into people's offices to hand deliver items rather than just to their mail slot. I had NO idea I was being invasive or rude: I was just trying to go the extra mile!

Would it be appropriate to try to get her to let him know when he is behaving rudely?

There is great usefulness in management strategies.

If a situation is repetitive, the opportunity exists to develop a system for gaining control.

The person who is annoyed can talk with the person causing the situation and ask if they wish to be informed when it looks like things are escalating. This can provide an opportunity to head off things before the top blows up.

Eventually the person should be able to determine his own frustration level and act to abandon a situation that is leading to an unpleasant conclusion.

I guess I was also wondering if I should handle it, as the adult, or let the student tell him if she felt comfortable doing so. I would think the information is best coming from the source, if she is ok with that. The tutor is very patient and kind and would do so in a compassionate way.

As long as you lead the process, either of you can deal with the situation.
If the mentor is willing and capable then that's fine, only you can make that decision.

If he is being rude to her then she should tell him what he is doing is rude to her. Autism is not a license for rudeness. I think, however, that it is important to find out where the frustration is coming from, specifically what is causing it and see if that can be fixed.

I think they just say, "you're being rude."

Waw, i thought it was rude to say "you are beeing rude". Isn't it too direct? Isn't it risky to say that?

I don't think it's too direct. If you say it with a soft tone of voice with concern and love behind it rather than attacking the person, I think it's fine. People have said it to me and I have said it to others and what makes it work or not work is how aggressive you are when you say it. If you say it out of love and out of a desire to help the person, realizing that the person may not know he is being rude, rather than out of frustration and out of criticism, it will come out fine.

Well, hence my name, I get accused of rudeness daily.

It always helps me to know that I'm understood, so if he's frustrated with the subject, she should first tell him that she understands he is frustrated, and then offer an alternative way to deal with it such as taking a break or going for a walk. Just telling me I'm rude doesn't solve or change anything.

I also wanted to add, when something's upset me, I automatically disregard other people's feelings. Not because I don't care or want to be mean but because my mind gets "overcrowded" with the issue and I'm unable to think about what I'm doing. For instance, if I have to use the restroom in a group of people I don't think to say excuse me because my mind is stuck on the main issue, that I have to use the restroom. Another time a man held open the door for me and I hadn't processed what had happened in time to say thank you. He confronted me as if I had purposely done harm to him when really it wasn't.

NTs tend to take what we do-or don't do-as an attack on them when they actually weren't in our head to begin with-because there wasn't "room". The reason I said just saying "you're being rude" won't work is that when I'm upset I lose empathy....instead if you let him know but replace it with something more appropriate, and make it a rule-"When you're upset instead of yelling at X, get up and take a walk in the hallway".

For me it's usually what I didn't do, ie. didn't say thank you, didn't respond-then when the person pesters me about what I didn't do I get frustrated.

I like Rude1's approach of addressing the behavior instead of saying "you're being rude." I recall from management courses that one should avoid starting criticism with "You" (You're being rude, You're wrong, etc.). "You" statements tend to trigger a defensive, emotional reaction, so the person is more interested in defending themselves than listening to what you have to say. The most important thing is to state the expected behavior in a calm voice.

Certainly it's fine for the tutor to talk to him about better ways to behave, if she feels comfortable about it. Otherwise, you may need to talk to him yourself or sit in on a session or two.

Could he need a short break partway through the session? is the length of the tutoring time part of the source of frustration? Or the pace? I tend to get more rude and crabby if I am tired or not feeling well, or if my self esteem is low, or I'm feeling defensive.

I agree it'd probably be better to raise the specifics of the unwanted behaviour, rather than just accusing them of rudeness which never seems to go down well. I don't know what the rude behaviour is, but I guess it's hurling insults, interrupting, or yelling. I'd be tempted to just explain that such things don't usually work out very well, and try to find out what creates the frustration that causes the behaviour.