9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger's

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gwenkansen
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13 Jan 2016, 11:51 pm

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I forget who said this, but if you’ve met one aspie, you’ve met one aspie. We’re all different. That’s the first thing to keep in mind. You shouldn’t hold yourself to neurotypical standards. But you shouldn’t define yourself by Asperger’s either. Especially not at first. If you’re calling yourself aspie89 on Tinder then you need to rethink your existence.

Don’t define yourself by Asperger’s. Because if you do, you’re going to be an empty freaking hole that no one wants to talk to. Ever.

People on the spectrum generally aren’t that approachable. It really differs for women and men though. I don’t ...



Last edited by Adamantium on 28 Jan 2016, 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.: Fixed broken link

Jono
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14 Jan 2016, 9:04 am

You wrote that article?



alex
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14 Jan 2016, 3:31 pm

yeah she did


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gwenkansen
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14 Jan 2016, 3:38 pm

:)


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Kenya
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15 Jan 2016, 7:15 pm

Impressive. Very eye opening read.



androbot01
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17 Jan 2016, 5:14 am

Quote:
I forget who said this, but if you’ve met one aspie, you’ve met one aspie.

I believe it was Temple Grandin.

Quote:
If you’re calling yourself aspie89 on Tinder then you need to rethink your existence.

That's a bit harsh. Granted it's a bit upfront for the dating scene, but one's existence is not dependent on dating.

Quote:
But eventually my looks are going to fade and I’m going to have to get by in life based on something else.

I'd be surprised if you have been relying on looks alone considering that you have a stable relationship and can write.

The article offers good sensible tips. But I am still a little frustrated by the white male dominance on the home page. I know the WP demographic is mostly male, but it would be nice if autistic women's issues could be addressed at some point. And frankly, that an article on dating advice is the most you can do to represent women is a little sad. Is it impossible for autistic men to think of women in any other way? And I do realize the author is female, but the topic is disappointing.



JoeJacobson
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17 Jan 2016, 5:42 am

Nice read there, Gwen. I agree with what all you said there. I wish I could find a GF who understands me in these ways too!... I feel they would have to start out as a friend first, and then maybe develop into a relationship later IF we both just "clicked" with each other... Unfortunately, I haven't ever got to know anyone yet who can and will tolerate my weirdness and really understand where I'm coming from with every thing!... Maybe someday... I try to stay positive and always keep an open mind to any and all possibilities!



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17 Jan 2016, 9:59 am

I will tell you what I tell NT's who lecture Autistics on how they should define themselves. I have almost 6 decades more experience more then you in knowing who I am so I get to decide how I define myself, not you. While of course my interactions with other people are not typical I am not a hole that nobody wants to talk to. I am a person, I exist, I am an Aspie-Autistic amoung other things. While autism is not all of me as a pervasive condition so it is a hell of a lot of me and the line of where my autism ends and personality begins is often blurred.

That is me, not you but IF you hate your Aspieness or just are desperate to fit it that will hurt your interacactions with other people because as you mentioned in the article a lot of people pick up on desperation and in others and do not want to deal with it or want to take advantage of it. More important then interactions with others is what Autistics who hate who they are do to themselves. Trying to fit in most of the time often leads to depression on the person Anxiety, burnout, diascciation, depression.

Now I am becoming a condescending lecturer also. I will say this I have been an Aspie-Autistic in an NT world a long time so I totally understand and do not blame victims for the self hate, the desperation to fit in.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt as like me you are an Aspie who comes across opposite of how we intend to come across sometimes. Bullies amoung other things want to make thier victims feel they are the other, the lesser. Degrading how another person identifies themselves is often a key and effective technique for doing this. I have been a victim of this technique and it took way too long but I finally figured this out and no desire to pay it forward to myself or others an this spectrum of ours.

Good luck with your dating life.



androbot01
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17 Jan 2016, 10:29 am

Are you kidding me?! Gwen Kansen is not autistic?!

In that case it I find the remark about "rethinking existence" to be really offensive.

I have a few more things I could say, but I don't want to get banned.



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17 Jan 2016, 10:46 am

androbot01 wrote:
In that case it I find the remark about "rethinking existence" to be really offensive.


That line certainly hit me hard too. "Rethinking my existence" has been something of a lifelong hobby, and not one that I have ever found pleasant or would encourage anyone else to engage in.

I am hoping it was supposed to be funny, but geez, you gotta know your audience.


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18 Jan 2016, 2:32 am

androbot01 wrote:
Are you kidding me?! Gwen Kansen is not autistic?!

In that case it I find the remark about "rethinking existence" to be really offensive.

I have a few more things I could say, but I don't want to get banned.


Gwen says she has Aspergers
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/not-robot ... xhausting/


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androbot01
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18 Jan 2016, 2:54 am

Okay. Thanks. It's funny how the impact changes depending on who is saying it ... like black people must feel about the "N" word.



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18 Jan 2016, 9:48 am

I am an empath, so I'm not really neurotypical, but I'm not on the spectrum either. I am married to a man with asperger's, and I've never been happier. I think your article is a good one, with a lot of good tips for everyone. Most people, when asked, say what they're looking for in a partner is honesty, kindness, someone who SHOWS that they love and appreciate their partner, not just a bunch of meaningless words. Many autistic people I know have those things down pat. Everyone has idiosyncracies, the trick is finding someone whose idiosyncracies complement your own. I, for one, very much value my friendships with autistic people, and obviously, I adore my husband. The autistic community has welcomed me, and I think it's just wrong that the world at large finds it so difficult to return the favor.



TheSnakeWhisperer
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19 Jan 2016, 3:08 am

Overall pretty sound advice, but saying these guys "have nothing to offer" is kind of judgmental and probably will only make them defensive. Everyone has something to offer, and chances are the guys you're referring to in the article already feel inadequate as it is.

It's much more effective to encourage them to think of things they have to offer and what they can do to make the potential partner feel cared about. Then they can build on that.

It's always more difficult to navigate relationships with Neurotypicals because the communication patterns are so different between the two people, so there's always the risk that they won't be able to deal with the extreme differences long-term, but I would reveal things a little bit at a time, but start early so they don't feel deceived when they do find out the full extent of it.

If the person is not compatible with you it's better to find out sooner than later as it's less painful to both people. In either case it will be a relief to get the uncomfortableness out of the way. If this is somebody you want to be permanent you don't want to have to hide who you are around them or it could end badly when you get to the point that you can't keep it up any longer.

The right partner will see the value in you enough to accept all of you, warts and all.

At 55 I have had a number of relationships and they've ended for various different reasons, but I had to get to a place in my life that I was OK being alone, knowing realistically that there are no guarantees and that I would rather have no partner than be in a bad relationship.

I now feel that although it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, I'm willing to wait to find the right person, and if I don't then that's OK too.

Some of the friends I've had who were married or living with somebody were constantly worrying about their spouse being offended or pissed off at them for really minor reasons and I have been in that situation in the past myself. When I really thought about it I was glad I didn't have that stress in my life anymore. Sometimes the grass isn't really greener on the other side. It would have to be a net improvement to my current life in order to be worth it to me.


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gwenkansen
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19 Jan 2016, 3:35 am

Hey, thanks for the feedback you guys!

I'm definitely autistic. I was diagnosed with Asperger's/PDD at 13.

I know the piece comes off harsh. In my experience though, people who see autism as their #1 sole defining trait seem emptier than people who don't. I'm not saying you have to keep it a secret. But I don't think it's the most effective way to introduce ourselves if we want to relate to NTs.

What are many of us proud of? Our brains. We can introduce ourselves as writers, coders, movie buffs etc. Temple Grandin wouldn't be anywhere near as respected as she is if people didn't know she was a scientist as well as an autistic person.

And I totally get why you're mad that women write about dating so much, androbot. I am too. I know it doesn't make us look very smart. We get interested in it, get used to it, and then we end up not writing about anything else.

What other things would you like to see an autistic chick write about?


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