9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger's

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QuillAlba
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30 Nov 2016, 10:08 am

1/ Ignore this buzzword filled cake recipe of an article.
2-9/see 1.

Find someone who thinks you might be magic.



Snowcone
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20 Dec 2016, 8:38 am

gwenkansen wrote:
Ah. Gotcha.

I write a blog on PsychCentral about that kind of stuff. It's called I'm Not A Robot. I could write something on here about it too though.

I have terrible executive function. I don't have a job. I'm kind of hoping that writing this stuff can become my job. I come from an upper-middle-class family who's patient with me. Otherwise my mental health would be much worse. I've been fired from most jobs, got kicked out of grad school, and told that I'm better off not trying to work in fashion, which is what I came to New York to do.

The struggle is real.

As for relationships, the problem for me isn't really about relating to partners. It's about repetitive speech. I say anything that comes into my head at least twice. It feels like I have to. I know it's a problem, but it makes me so uncomfortable to hold back around a partner. I also get anxious and clingy and don't have much ability to regulate my emotions.

The guy I'm with also has Asperger's. He's patient with me. I'm not sure how many neurotypicals would deal with that kind of behavior.

I know that doesn't sound too upbeat. But I feel like I know a good deal about relationships from having plenty of short ones and watching other people's long ones. I'm learning to compromise the same way everyone else has to. I think Asperger's symptoms should be seen as separate from that.


I might be able to relate to your repetitive behavior. I think the repetitive behavior occurs because you're very focused on something, perhaps it could even be that you're trying to figure out how to stop it? So repetitive behavior occurs because you are overfocusing on one area. Instead try to focus on goals relating to the bigger picture. Then socializing may occur more automatically and with more emotion as well. It is easy for autistic people to think that they have to focus to achieve something, but thats not true. We really know how to do everything if we dont overfocus on it. Try to see if it helps to focus on goals such as, how can I enjoy talking or be emotionally engaged in talking, or what determines being socially successful and how can I achieve those sub goals. Or what are other interesting and relevant things to think about. I don't know if it helps, but changing your focus in the right way by changing what goals you want to think about or thinking about other values can be helpful. Best of luck.



Snowcone
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20 Dec 2016, 8:45 am

It's an interesting question if you have to tell people about your aspergers. I think it's really an individuals choice. I don't see any moral obligation that you have to tell people about your diagnosis. For thousands of years nobody knew what aspergers were and thus nobody had to tell anything. Any diagnosis comes along with a stigma. Nobody really knows what aspergers or autism is anyway. The diagnosis is not meant as an obligation for us to let other people label us more negatively, it is meant to help us understand ourselves better. If somebody is ready to marry you, they know the real you well enough to have made the choice and it is rightfully your choice to never mention that you have aspergers if you wish.



IstominFan
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25 Dec 2016, 11:33 am

My problem isn't with disclosing Asperger's per se. My worry would be with disclosing an associated medical condition, fortunately under control with medication. I am afraid that, if I did find a nice man and fell in love, he wouldn't want me if he knew about it. I would pretty much be afraid everything would go away if people knew. I have such a good life now that I don't want to lose it.



Grishnar
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02 Jan 2017, 7:50 am

NTs can't cope with me on a long term basis. I have a small group of friends and can't cope with large groups. However, those in my 'small group' usually burn out after a while. I don't blame them, it's hard, too intense for them to manage for an extended period of time. I don't think dating would work for me. I would be constantly speculating on how long they could cope, when will the 'goodbye' come and how will I deal with their absence. It's not their fault, there are many many less complicated people out there that they could spend time with.
Significantly, I seem incapable of casual relationships ...... or casual anything. 'Casual' is something I stare at like an exhibit in a glass case at the British Museum. I can see it, and read the label but will never be able to handle it.



n7ekg
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03 Jan 2017, 4:34 am

I would add one thing if you're a woman: Guys will do almost anything to sleep with an attractive woman - they will say and do almost anything, pretend to be anyone, be warm and sympathetic and charming and all that until they get what they want, which is usually sex.

Be on your guard. The more attractive you are, the more guys will want to chat you up with the aim of sleeping with you. Use your gut instinct. Because women are the pursued in relationships, they are at a tremendous advantage - use that to filter out those who are only interested in your attractiveness - thick lips, long hair, big breasts, thin body, tiny butt, whatever - and engage them on a more intellectual level. See if they have more than two brain cells to rub together, or if they do all their thinking with the little head. Just because a guy is charming and says all the right things doesn't mean jack. You want to know who he is *really*- and that means telling them "no" - more than once. Go out to eat and have the wait staff (preferably female) screw up their order - then sit back and watch what happens. If you've slept with him, tell him that you're not feeling well and don't want sex that night - and see what happens. Does he always want to do thing that *he* wants to do, or is he willing to compromise - or even better, offers a compromise right from the start? Go weekend camping with him, if the relationship is at that stage. What happens when things go wrong? How does he react? How do *you* react?

Hope this helps.



Wardes
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08 Jan 2017, 6:21 am

Wow! Very good writing. On point! Very impressed that you can get it from your head out in words to describe it like this!



HannahJoy
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31 Jan 2017, 9:16 am

Thank you for this article. I've used it to both understand and assist my husband and daughter to understand their unique boundaries.



antnego
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22 Mar 2017, 8:42 pm

10+ to this post. I used to be resentful towards women until I really threw myself into learning social skills and seeking to deeply understand empathy. I had to look at hard truths about myself and become actively aware at the ways I creeped people out. For instance, I can maintain eye contact with people, but my stare can sometimes be too intense for others (some women liked it, they thought it was passionate). I had to learn to soothe my anxiety. And most of all, I had to PRACTICE the s**t out of approaching and conversing with women (and all people for that matter)! I viewed it like a trial-and-error experiment. I took note of the behaviors that worked and the ones that didn't. I didn't beat myself up when I was rejected, I just tried to learn from it. I came to the understanding that no matter how much "game" I learned or how good I flowed, some women just wouldn't be into me no matter what. I had to let go of the deeply narcissistic notion that all women should like me and want to have sex me. Sometimes I'm just not someone's "type" and that's ok. Eventually, things worked out, as I'm now married and have a beautiful 19-month-old daughter, who happens to show some autistic traits. The saga lives on.

Oh, and for those beating yourself up, realize this - there are plenty of women out there who WILL have sex with you. Believe or not women have sexual thoughts, impulses and desires, too. I had to pull my head out of my a** and pay attention to see it, rather than just assume the worst.



Lady Penelope
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29 Mar 2017, 3:32 am

Perfectly written. Succinctly and coherently describes the scattered thoughts and feelings in my head.
Thank you for this.



Hessdawg111
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29 Apr 2017, 9:29 pm

Thank you for posting this article. I have had a few failures but hopefully after reading this article I can work my way around my weaknesses and find someone who will accept me.



biostructure
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06 May 2017, 11:43 pm

I really thought I had already responded to this the other day, but it seems my comment never got posted.

Anyway, when you mentioned that the guys "don't deserve sex just for existing" and "don't have anything to offer", there is obviously a kind of hypocrisy to this. Many if not most girls are treated as though they DO deserve sex just for existing, so some of us guys feel it's only fair to be treated the same way. Yes, I know umpteen girls will say "I don't get sex just for existing", and I'm sure there are some, that's why I said "many if not most". I also know that the fact that it seems unfair won't change it.

What really needs to happen is to have better ways of pairing up autistic people. Autistic girls and guys seem to often socialize in different circles, and many autistic girls grow up being shielded from sex and male attention in general, which makes them harder to meet. Yes, I know that some autistic girls are like NT girls in that they actually appreciate this protection, that they have some kind of inherent fear or wariness about unwanted sexual and romantic attention. But there are some who don't (almost all women I've known/known about who are as frank and open about their desires as guys were on the spectrum), and if better opportunities for them to pair up were created, that would help the situation.

I also agree that emotionally getting along is more important than shared interests. I would disagree about the whole "needing someone to be patient" thing, though. That only reinforces the whole "desperate=bad" thing. And, from the example about the mental patients, it seems what you actually MEANT to convey was that we need someone accepting of difference/weirdness. Someone can be very desperate and eager and yet be very accepting of differences, yet someone who is very patient can still be narrow-minded and judgmental.



WitlessWit
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07 Jun 2017, 8:26 pm

Informative tidbits. The date defensively part needs clarification. Also, do you read these comments?



QuillAlba
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07 Jun 2017, 9:10 pm

WitlessWit wrote:
Informative tidbits. The date defensively part needs clarification. Also, do you read these comments?


Nope to reading comments.

She has already been paid for this click-bait s**t at our expense.



rcsf
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19 Jun 2017, 7:09 am

You really have the sure. I think if you put your condition on the top, you will have in a constant worry about how you will be. Personally, I think you've got to put your condition deeply in your consciousness, and at such times forget you have and focus more on people and their owns.



JaredGTALover
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19 Jun 2017, 3:19 pm

rcsf wrote:
You really have the sure. I think if you put your condition on the top, you will have in a constant worry about how you will be. Personally, I think you've got to put your condition deeply in your consciousness, and at such times forget you have and focus more on people and their owns.


if that means hiding your diagnosis from your potential date,then that's what i plan to do :ninja: :ninja: :ninja: