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BaneBear
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18 Jan 2016, 8:16 pm

That word in general makes me so angry its not even funny. I absolutely think it is one of the most despicable things people can do to each other.
I wanna know how to attract women so I never fall into this again, I will evict all women from my life that do this to me period. I will not stoop to this humiliating and annoying position ever again.



Fnord
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18 Jan 2016, 8:42 pm

The "friend zone" refers to a situation where there is a mismatch in romantic feelings between two individuals. For example, sometimes this is a sexual attraction mismatch, where one person is interested in romance while the other wants to "just be friends". At other times, the friends are already sexually involved (i.e., friends-with-benefits), but there is a commitment mismatch, where only one person wants a "relationship" as a committed girlfriend or boyfriend, while the other is in the relationship for the "benefits" alone.

Reasons why you might be "Friendzoned" (hypothetically speaking, of course):

- She interprets your behavior as just creepy enough to avoid any emotional attachment with you, but not creepy enough to avoid you entirely.

- She wants something from a man that she doesn't see in you.

- She perceives you as emotionally immature or needy.

- Her economic status and yours don't match.

- She has a crush on another man.

- She has no romantic feelings or sexual desire for you.

- Her interests and yours don't match.

- Her social skills and yours don't match.

- She enjoys being with her friends more than she enjoys being with you.

- She thinks that you're "cute" ... like a sad, wide-eyed puppy.

- You don't meet her emotional or intellectual needs.

- Her experiences and yours don't match.

- Her friends don't like you.

- Nobody likes you.


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BaneBear
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18 Jan 2016, 8:45 pm

Ok so nobody likes me, how does that help me. I hate it when people say that like its something you are supposed to accept or know how to fix. "Nobody likes you" "Oh ok so I'll just head on down to walmart and buy some muscles, confidence, and maybe better jokes that should work right?"
So no girls like me, does this mean I have permission to be sexist and rude to them?



Outrider
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18 Jan 2016, 8:48 pm

The friendzone is simply referring to a term when someone is NOT attracted to you and only sees you as a friend.

I apply the friendzone to both my same sex and opposite sex friends.

In my honest opinion, what I find people don't understand about the friendzone, is that if you're
'in the friendzone', you've lost since the beginning.

It means you couldn't have done anything to change course of action, she only considers you a friend.

There is the suggestion that expressing your attraction from the get-go is the method to 'avoid the friendzone', but again, there's usually nothing YOU can do. It's entirely up to her if she naturally only saw you as a friend since she first met you or if she was attracted to you when she met you.

The NATURAL friendzone is not women inherently trying to hurt us males.

But, there is also the UNNATURAL friendzone.

I only like the friendzone when it's natural - when it's what they naturally thiks of you.

There are some superficial, uptight men and women out there that put someone in ther friendzone for whatever reasons they want. "Oh, Tommy is a nice guy, but he's a bit too short. Friendzoned." "Peter is quite good-looking, and friendly, oh, but he doesn't have a job. Friendzoned." "Ashely is smart and pretty, but she's a bit weird sometimes and talks a little funny. Friendzoned."

The women and men who do this? Yep, cut them out of your life. Now, and forever.

But people who's opinion of you formed naturally that they had little to no control over? That's not your fault, and that's not even their fault. It just happens. Move on...don't hold onto any false hopes of the possible chance they'll come around, it's almost completely guaranteed that they will not.



DinnerPlate
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18 Jan 2016, 8:49 pm

BaneBear wrote:
That word in general makes me so angry its not even funny. I absolutely think it is one of the most despicable things people can do to each other.
I wanna know how to attract women so I never fall into this again, I will evict all women from my life that do this to me period. I will not stoop to this humiliating and annoying position ever again.


The so-called Friendzone is imaginary, made up by the sad, pathetic losers of the (barf-worthy) Pick Up Artist community.

BaneBear, if you don't wanna be friends with a girl, don't be friends with her. I don't, however, see what's inherently "humiliating" about a girl wanting to just be friends with you.

If you have enough friends and don't want any more female ones because you're looking for a girlfriend, that's perfectly fine.

Also, there's no one way to attract girls -- what's attractive to one won't be for another. Giant chips-on-shoulders? Are always a turn off. Just sayin'.



Fnord
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18 Jan 2016, 9:01 pm

BaneBear wrote:
Ok so nobody likes me, how does that help me. I hate it when people say that like it's something you are supposed to accept or know how to fix. "Nobody likes you" "Oh ok so I'll just head on down to walmart and buy some muscles, confidence, and maybe better jokes that should work right?"
SHEESH! Did you even read the rest of the list, or did I just hit a raw nerve?
BaneBear wrote:
So no girls like me, does this mean I have permission to be sexist and rude to them?
No one deserves to be the object of sexist scorn.

What do you have going for you? Are you an interesting person? Are your interests things that women find interesting, too? Do you play a musical instrument? Do you have a job; and if so, what kind? Do you dress well? Have you earned a university degree? Do you live on your own? Do you listen to what other people say? Are you respectful of their opinions? Can you accept helpful suggestions without being offended or becoming defensive?


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Outrider
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18 Jan 2016, 9:37 pm

Imho, I think you're confusing the natural and unnatural friendzone fnord.

To me the natural friendzone is the fact that, when getting to know someone, that's just naturally what their opinion of you has formed to be.

The unnatural friendzone are some of the other things you refer to - a person being selective for traits such as income, social status, etc. and rejecting someone for it.

I don't consider the two concepts to be the same thing.



BaneBear
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18 Jan 2016, 9:45 pm

You did hit a nerve, not that you could have known but the fact is I have never had girls like me. At least not sane ones, only 2 both of whom are sociopath and degenerative liars that people warned me about but I did not listen. Other than that I do not have women like me PERIOD, and what bothers me is that list you just made makes me think "Ok so I need to be something profoundly amazing to become worthy to women."
What makes this more enraging to me is as a guy with Aspergers and pitiful self esteem, this is even more impossible. People constantly play it as if its something oh so small that one needs to do when in reality dating for me is something that try as I might I am destined to fail from the start.
I hate how difficult it is for people like me yet women basically have one giant silver platter of guys they are able to simple "pick" from whichever they want, like they have to do basically nothing while I have to become superman.



Fnord
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18 Jan 2016, 9:50 pm

Perhaps, Outrider; but the "bottom line" of being friend-zoned involves a mismatch of personal interests - one person wants a deeper relationship than what the other person is willing to join. He wants physical intimacy, and she wants a spiritual connection ... she wants marital commitment, and he wants social freedom ... et cetera ...

What I listed are just possible causes for being friend-zoned - mis-matches between attraction and attractiveness.

It's all subjective, anyway. What some experience as personal rejection and frustration, others experience as a challenge and a chance to prove themselves worthy.


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Fnord
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18 Jan 2016, 9:56 pm

BaneBear wrote:
You did hit a nerve, not that you could have known but the fact is I have never had girls like me. At least not sane ones, only 2 both of whom are sociopath and degenerative liars that people warned me about but I did not listen. Other than that I do not have women like me PERIOD, and what bothers me is that list you just made makes me think "Ok so I need to be something profoundly amazing to become worthy to women."
What makes this more enraging to me is as a guy with Aspergers and pitiful self esteem, this is even more impossible. People constantly play it as if its something oh so small that one needs to do when in reality dating for me is something that try as I might I am destined to fail from the start.
I hate how difficult it is for people like me yet women basically have one giant silver platter of guys they are able to simple "pick" from whichever they want, like they have to do basically nothing while I have to become superman.
There is no need to "become superman". All I did was earn a degree, get a job, learn to play piano, bathe, dress well, (pretend to) listen, learn to dance ballroom style (useful at weddings), learn to cook, have a place of my own, and smile a lot. And I am an aspire, too!

I am definitely NOT "Superman", just an ordinary, average guy with an ASD who never gave up!


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wilburforce
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18 Jan 2016, 10:10 pm

Maybe if you actually appreciated the friendship offered to you by women instead of romantic interest, you might just make some nice friends--and maybe those friends can introduce you to other women they know that might take an interest in you romantically. You will never know if you think women are unworthy of friendship. Also, women might be picking up on the fact that you have no interest in being friends with them and it's making you come off as creepy and that's why you're striking out with them. When guys are really bitter against women and blame women for their social difficulties they pick up on that as well, and tend to avoid guys like that. If your bitterness is obvious that could be repelling women, too.



Nine7752
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18 Jan 2016, 10:14 pm

I had lots of women friends in my 20's, some in that zone - but I was in no way able to deal with intimate female or male company either. It was a nice way to ease into being able to have a partner. I was really giving off the vibe of "no omg can't deal" and they read it correctly. But they were amazing friendships.

There were also some ridiculously obvious invitations that went right over my head, didn't figure them out for 20 years. I was not ready to be touched or seen, though in other ways I felt the desire. I also had really stupid standards and was looking at the wrong kind of person.

It's not like I've figured out too much more since then, by the way, but I do have an awesome partner finally. Is it possible that you're not a loser, but just maybe some of all that is going on? IDK but maybe.


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18 Jan 2016, 10:14 pm

I doubt being friendzoned is worse than being creepzoned. At least, you’re not in immediate danger of being charged with harassment.


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BaneBear
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18 Jan 2016, 10:33 pm

wilburforce wrote:
Maybe if you actually appreciated the friendship offered to you by women instead of romantic interest, you might just make some nice friends--and maybe those friends can introduce you to other women they know that might take an interest in you romantically. You will never know if you think women are unworthy of friendship. Also, women might be picking up on the fact that you have no interest in being friends with them and it's making you come off as creepy and that's why you're striking out with them. When guys are really bitter against women and blame women for their social difficulties they pick up on that as well, and tend to avoid guys like that. If your bitterness is obvious that could be repelling women, too.

Best friend is a woman, I am definitely bitter though. Something I wish to work on is just that because it really isn't being bitter towards them but pain from the past and insecurities I developed from those times.
I like to try positive sometimes like thinking "Hm maybe being friends could be nice, and who knows they might introduce me to someone." However my friends (who are women) can introduce me to no one, can't help me at all, and thus I am forced to fail at this on my own.



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18 Jan 2016, 10:41 pm

DinnerPlate wrote:
The so-called Friendzone is imaginary, made up by the sad, pathetic losers of the (barf-worthy) Pick Up Artist community.

BaneBear, if you don't wanna be friends with a girl, don't be friends with her. I don't, however, see what's inherently "humiliating" about a girl wanting to just be friends with you.

If you have enough friends and don't want any more female ones because you're looking for a girlfriend, that's perfectly fine.

Also, there's no one way to attract girls -- what's attractive to one won't be for another. Giant chips-on-shoulders? Are always a turn off. Just sayin'.


Well said!



wilburforce
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18 Jan 2016, 10:55 pm

BaneBear wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
Maybe if you actually appreciated the friendship offered to you by women instead of romantic interest, you might just make some nice friends--and maybe those friends can introduce you to other women they know that might take an interest in you romantically. You will never know if you think women are unworthy of friendship. Also, women might be picking up on the fact that you have no interest in being friends with them and it's making you come off as creepy and that's why you're striking out with them. When guys are really bitter against women and blame women for their social difficulties they pick up on that as well, and tend to avoid guys like that. If your bitterness is obvious that could be repelling women, too.

Best friend is a woman, I am definitely bitter though. Something I wish to work on is just that because it really isn't being bitter towards them but pain from the past and insecurities I developed from those times.
I like to try positive sometimes like thinking "Hm maybe being friends could be nice, and who knows they might introduce me to someone." However my friends (who are women) can introduce me to no one, can't help me at all, and thus I am forced to fail at this on my own.


I'm not sure where you live, but do you have access to talk therapy of some kind? Therapy can help you address things like insecurity but it's also good practice for social interaction. You can talk about anything you want, but at the same time there are established rules that are a little more explicit and simple than with regular conversation with people so you can sort of practice the back-and-forth of socialising in a structured environment like that with easier rules and clearer expectations than everyday social interaction.