How to tell if the boyfriend has Asperger's?

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holiish
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29 Jan 2016, 12:56 pm

Hi! I'm new to this forum, so I hope I'm posting on the correct page...
Just as a little introduction, my name is Holly and I'm neurotypical although my brother is autistic - not Asperger's though.

However, I'm also in a relationship with a guy who's been 'tested' for Asperger's twice. Both results have came out negative and they were both before he was 11 years old, but I'm beginning to think he seriously does have it. I just need a little clearing up or advice, I suppose.
I'll put it in a list kind of format...

~ He has little to no empathy. Hardly any at all. I feel like he tries to, I'm highly sensitive and very emotionally open. When I cry, he'll cuddle me for a bit but he will hardly say more than a few words to comfort me. This is especially bad when we're on the phone and lately it's been making me feel even worse.

~ He has a really strange view on relationships. Verbally, he treats me as a friend. Sometimes almost like a business partner. The only way I know he actually has feelings for me is the way he is physically - the way he looks at me, how affectionate he is, etc. Our emotional connection is minimal, especially recently.

~ He refuses to talk about problems. Well, he doesn't refuse as such, but I'll bring up an issue I have (not with him, just in our relationship in general) and he'll just make a small comment about it, maybe get a tiny bit subdued or sad, then start talking about what happened in class or a video game he's playing. I'm 99% sure he doesn't even realise he's doing it.

~ He cries and gets frustrated a lot - if we're on the phone sometimes he'll throw it across the room. However, when he is like this he doesn't even seem to know why. He can't express his feelings at all.

~ He gets "lost" very easily. We'll be in a Skype call (we're long distance right now) and I've never seen someone get so engrossed in things in all my life. He was recently staying at my house and he ended up playing a video game on my computer for 2 hours, completely forgetting I was there. He didn't stop until he noticed me crying - then he started crying too. Well, dry sobbing.

~ He's highly intelligent. He picks up on things extremely easily, he's very mathematically minded and can remember extremely long numbers and specific dates very well.

~ He uses "abnormal" grammar - by that I mean he'll use 'fancy' words even when they're out of place, for example he'll use "ruse" or "jest" instead of "joke", "Thank you for your kind words." instead of "Thank you." and "That is correct" instead of "Yeah". Doesn't seem like much from here but he does this in most conversations, often using words in the wrong context and then when I point this out asking me what it actually means.

~ He's very reclusive. He considers himself an extrovert - he is for sure, however he will happily sit in his room for weeks and weeks on end. He doesn't really go out unless it's with his mum. He has a lot of online friends, but he isolates himself from his IRL ones.

~ This one is minor, but he also has a strange gait. The only reason I picked up on this is because it's almost identical to my brothers, who was diagnosed with ASD at 3.

~ He's obsessed with what people think. He cares a lot about his looks, but he cares even more about what people think about what he's doing. On his 18th birthday, I made a post on his Facebook as you would and because it "only got 7 likes" he removed it. Yeah.

Sorry that this is a long post, I'm just a bit confused. I tell my friends that we're having problems, and they'll tell me to dump him. But I have a niggling feeling that it isn't all because he's a bad person, but it's something more than that.

Are these typical signs of Asperger's? I know some are, but I'm not sure if certain ones are too, such as how he cares about what people think. I know a "label" isn't going to make much difference but I'm just wondering if I'm right in thinking this.
Thanks a lot!



Sweetleaf
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29 Jan 2016, 1:12 pm

He could be on the spectrum, but I certainly couldn't say for certain but I have some ideas:


-With the lack of empathy, if he cuddles you and says something when you are sad it means he does have empathy..but for people on the spectrum it can be hard to express it normally. It could be he genuinely is concerned if you're sad/upset but just doesn't know quite what to say to make you feel better. But yeah it sounds more like trouble expressing it typically than a lack of empathy.

-Also in general if he is on the spectrum clear communication may work best, like with him getting sucked into the computer game for 2 hours and not stopping till you were crying. Chances are he lost track of how long he had been playing it and didn't realize it was cutting into the you and him time. A better option may have been directly telling him he had been playing a while and you'd like if he takes a break to spend time with you....before it got to the point of you feeling neglected and crying. And he probably felt really bad once he realized you were upset, because he didn't read the signals till you were clearly upset. So sometimes you just have to directly say things even if it seems like something that would be obvious.

-It also sounds like he may have some anxiety and low self esteem issues which aren't aspergers per say, like the worrying what people think is more of that, which is something neurotypicals can certainly experience to.


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AuroraBorealisGazer
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29 Jan 2016, 1:29 pm

A lack of empathy is not indicative of Autism Spectrum Disorder. If he truly lacks empathy (from your description it sounds like he is capable of empathizing), then look into the Anti-Social personality disorders.Aspergers was eliminated from the DSM, it is now considered ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

He likely refuses to talk about problems because he's a teenage boy. Stereotypically (not in all cases) teen boys are immature and are led to believe that opening up is 'uncool.'

"He was recently staying at my house and he ended up playing a video game on my computer for 2 hours, completely forgetting I was there. He didn't stop until he noticed me crying - then he started crying too. Well, dry sobbing."
I've known many gamers who become entirely engrossed in playing and are oblivious to their girlfriends because of it (they were neurotypicals). I'm not sure that "dry sobbing" qualifies, he may have been faking it.

Intelligence is not an indicator of ASD. People on the spectrum can widely differ in IQs.

Many people think that extrovert = not shy, and introverts = shy, this is a common misnomer. Extroverts get their energy from people whereas introverts get their energy from being alone. If he's able to stay in his room for weeks on end, and it's not due to anxiety, then he's likely an introvert.

A strange gait can be caused by many things.

Being obsessed with what people think is common among neurotypicals.

In conclusion, he could be on the spectrum, but nothing you have written here would really persuade me of that at this time.



selflessness
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29 Jan 2016, 2:08 pm

If some qualified physicians said that he's not autistic, he probably isn't. Then again, there's the possibility of him lying about it which would throw that idea out of the window. Maybe he is in fact autistic but he won't tell you which is perfectly understandable. ASD can be very detrimental to a relationship so there's definitely a strong motivation to try to cover it up (not saying that he is).

Pretty much what it comes down to is this: if his negative behaviour is a result of ASD he can work on it but results are far from guaranteed. If it is not, and it's not related to some other kind of disorder, then in theory he can work on it as well with a good chance of a positive outcome. Do you want to deal with all of this is pretty much what you have to decide.



Derek281
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31 Jan 2016, 3:25 pm

IDK if he has AS or simply immature.



AlwaysIsForever
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01 Feb 2016, 2:43 am

Males don't mature mentally as fast as females do. This may just be a typical young male who enjoys gaming and math and walks a different way.

What does it matter if he has asd anyway, you'll love him for who he is.