I know that most of my story is probably incredibly familiar to most readers: I was bullied extensively in school, nothing made sense, I tried to follow the rules and it just felt like they kept changing, it was incredibly difficult to form real intimacy and friendships with people I cared about, and I found some things very easy to learn and my knowledge and aptitude became its own alienation as my skills exceeded those of my peers. My dad was physically disabled from when I was 5 and my mom was very violent towards the whole family so I did not have support growing up and ran away as a teenager.
I don't have children so I wasn't diagnosed until I was 32 when I mentioned to me therapist that I couldn't read facial expressions and she quizzed me if I'd had head trauma as an infant and concluded that it was probably Asperger's. She too became quite annoyed with me soon thereafter and I sought out a CBT/social skills specialist. Oddly, he was another rude neurotypical. I did get a lot out of the training: neurotypicals have a lot of rules but they don't like to follow them themselves but will judge you or feel hurt for not understanding the nuances.
Since then I've come to see being an Aspie as my superpower. I started a book publishing business when I was 18 that is now my employer 20 years later. My math skills allow this to flourish and for me to make informed decisions based on the data.
I was married for two years in my 20s and my ex and I communicated very badly. She would take my literalism and clinical distance as a lack of interest in her or our relationship. She misunderstood my lack of mirror neurons and lack of ability to express natural empathy as a power dynamic and began being abusive towards me. Make no mistake, I do think I hurt her feelings extensively and repeatedly, but in the end the relationship took a huge toll on both of us. Twelve years later, she still spreads vitriol about me and has spread a public campaign badmouthing me and my business in ways that have caused real hurt and damage to plenty of people beyond myself. I've complied with all of the requests that she's made of me but part of the problem is feelings and her effort to set tangible requests of me as a way to make her feel better, which just hasn't worked. She's asked me not to contact her but literally twelve years later still seems quite hurt and hung up on our relationship. I've written to advice columnists and gone public with my diagnosis and attempted to mend the rifts.
Many therapists and "experts" have explained to me that a person does not often get so many chances once their reputation is tarnished and once someone has experienced hurt in a relationship. This makes sense but it's still a far cry from demanding that people not support me if they are feminists. I can't see us become close or even friends again, nor do I necessarily want that. I just want to resolve all of this ill will and vitriol.
Of course the comfort is that Aspies are smarter. Any ideas?
07 Feb 2016, 2:52 pm
