Lengthy post from NT trying to understand Asperger's better

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I have a teen who is diagnosed as having Aspergers so I am familiar with many of the traits/behaviors associated with 'aspiness'. I understand it manifests differently in different people and poses different challenges for adults than kids . Of course everyone is an individual. I don't dwell much on my loved one's diagnosis but instead try to see them as a whole person who moves a bit differently in the world which is ok. But a recent lengthy 'entanglement' with someone I am sure is Aspie (I don't like to go around diagnosing people but he hits nearly every single mark) has led me to really question my understanding of the experience of being Aspie. Dealing with this person led to a lot of conflict and to be honest some pretty hurt feeling on my side (he seems just fine..but how could one tell) and it did not end very well. Seeing where this adult is 30 years past my child's age I have some real fear about the future. I push my kid to be independent. I don't want to push too far or too hard, but I can't bare to think of all their beautiful qualities and incredible talents trapped by inability to figure out how to behave in the world in order to be able to participate fully. I was able to see over time many complex and somewhat successful coping mechanism this man had developed to meet his needs and was impressed by the effort and creativity of it (even if it often had a negative cost for me) but in the end it seemed to still leave him at a deficit, a half life so too speak (I could be wrong, he may be perfectly content, but there is a sadness in him that tells me otherwise). I strongly suspect he knows he's Aspie or knows 'something', but when I tried to broach the subject he wasn't having it. I tried to be patient with him as I hope people will be with my loved one, but it was just too much. I am now left with feeling bad for not being able to be supportive and a worrying glimpse into what I hope will never be my child's future and very little idea how to create resolution for either. I know this is an impossible ask but I really want to understand from an 'inside' view. I need of some strategy on how to manage conflict within so much rigidity and most importantly how foster successful coping mechanism in my child so they do not end up this way. I realize that sounds harsh, but I really see now how it is a disability and can be profoundly limiting without support and proactive planning. Hope I have not offended anyone. I am grateful for any insight. Thanks for 'listening'.

What did the older guy do to you?

I cannot speak for everyone with Autism, but I really appreciate paragraphs, they make everything so much simpler.

You meet one person with Asperger's, you meet....one person with Asperger's.

Thank you for reaching out and wanting to take the time to help your child. I'd say have much love, patience, and tackle each issue, impairment they have one thing at a time helping then develop specific coping skills.

Always let them know that they can come to you for reasonable help and support. This may prove very helpful in their adult life.

There are really good books out there as well on giving advice to aspies and their employers on how to cope in the work place and adult life.

Hey, im not offended to start off but id like to purpose a test;

here are two people, Alex and Jesse.

Alex is shy and often doesn't know what to say in a social situations, they cry at birthday parties and avoids eye contact. Alex really likes Dinosaurs and collects toys of them, Alex seems very upset in places like the mall and busy streets and in these settings wrings their hands together or even throws a tantrum.

Jesse is often seen playing alone and says things that are sometimes a little rude, jeese does not make eye contact. Jesse likes cameras and gets very excited when they see a Camera. Jesse stays close to their parents when in a crowded area like the mall or busy streets and doesn't seem very aware with whats going on.

Which one is autistic?

Welcome aboard the good ship Wrong Planet.

I can see that you're in pain.

But its hard to know where to start. We dont know what this older guy did.

Like someone above said "if youve met one aspie youve met one aspie". Your child may not be the same as this older guy, and neither is quite the same as any of us here.

This older guy may well be an aspie. And apparently the label itself is something he doesnt like. I am probably slightly older than him and for me being dx'd was liberating. Folks make the same thing mean different things. Depends upon where you're coming from about it.

But I probably don't need to tell you that if you're gonna ask an aquaintence if they have some particular psychiatric condition (even if you tell the person that your curiosity is for the high purpose of helping your child) you cant assume that the person is going to be forthcoming.

Knowlege of autism will be noticibly more when your teen enters adulthoood and exponentially more when he is in his 40's. We have members here who grew up when there was no knowlege of Aspergers and whose futures were thought to be bleak who have succesfull careers and are married with children. I am not saying things are easy for these people but they have had successfull lives. What I am saying while concerns for the future are legitimate the panic and expectation of a horrific future often expressed by parents are not justified. What I do worry about is this fear of the future causing people to do things out of desperation which is rarely a good thing.

I suggest having an open mind to what his issues may be--your teen may be tripped up by the simplest misunderstandings yet glide by impossibly difficult situations. Such is Aspergers.

It would be really great if your teen had the skills, time, and resources to be really good at something. This can instill the confidence necessary to work hard at acquiring new skills.

Just be a loving caring parent like you have been.

There is not one standard personality type for people with autism.

You have no idea what all is wrong with that guy or what kind of childhood he had.

Don't pin his stuff on your kid. It's almost like a mom being worried her son is going to turn out to be just like his rotten father.

You would like to know that your child's future is bright, but none of us can promise you that. Your child could succeed at everything they tried, and still end up with an early cancer death or paralyzed in a car accident. Don't worry too much about these unknowns.

I've raised 2 aspie kids to adulthood. I suggest you work closely with your child on "life skills" including housework, budgeting, money management, car maintenance, basic household repairs, grooming and fashion, and rudimentary etiquette. On the subject of the last topic, my daughter has had a lot of trouble with appropriate gift-giving, and I could have worked with her more on that.

Teen years can be extremely hard on parents of aspies (as well as aspies themselves, of course). The sense of being left behind in social skills, missing out on dating, and so on, is often excruciating; the teen may become quite hostile and difficult during this time. Hang in there, because it does eventually get better, but recognize how hard it is on yourself and take care of your own emotional needs.

What everybody has said here is good. Nobody can know the future or say how things will be for your child. It sounds like your "entanglement" man was not diagnosed, if he is on the spectrum. A lot of us who were diagnosed late in life had to do a lot of make-shift coping strategies that were often not very effective and resulted in causing our loved ones inadvertent pain. We didn't understand people, even those closest to us, and they didn't understand us and why we didn't seem to know any of the "rules" of relationships.

I think the thing I really lacked growing up was someone to interpret the world for me--how I'm supposed to behave, what people mean when they say a certain thing, what those unspoken social rules are. I always felt like I was missing part of the conversation but didn't know what it was.

Thank you all for generously sharing your experiences. It is very helpful to hear what has worked (or not worked). I appreciate the thoughtful insight from many different perspectives. Lots of good things to think about going forward.