10 Mar 2016, 8:36 am
10 Mar 2016, 11:00 am
10 Mar 2016, 5:18 pm
11 Mar 2016, 9:12 pm
Aristophanes wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm not sure I totally disagree with you, Aristophanes, actually. I think maybe the goal should just be to practice talking to women casually. Not asking them out. To get better you have to take the pressure off. I'm just against trying to hyper-analyze everything you do or trying to act like a different person. That is extremely counterproductive.
You may be right on my use of the word confidence, but i have a reason for pushing it. I'm a believer in uncanny valley theory applying to humans. I think most autistics that are "passing" are also probably slightly off from "normal", just enough to tease an NT instinct that something's not quite right-- like deja vu, or "vibes". That's why most autistics have problems honing down specific problems in interaction and NT's can't really tell you what's wrong if they're trying to be helpful-- they don't even know why they feel that way. The reason I'm big on confidence is that if you give people a sense you're secure in yourself, it helps ease some of that uncanny valley tension in them.
That's why i view it as "presentation" and not a personality change, it really is just a few alterations. I mean confidence gives the sense you know what's going on, but let's face it, a meteor could hit you tonight and all the confidence in the world wouldn't stop it. It is a completely illogical thing I myself don't actually "feel", but i can play it and it does make interaction much easier. It's just what people expect and if you want to do well with people, you give them what they want.
I have thought this very often. Sometimes just being comfortable makes other people feel comfortable and they LIKE when others can put them at ease. I mean with NTs it's often all about the illusion not the reality of a situation (as much as it makes NO f*****g SENSE to me personally) NTs often can't and don't see the reality of someone or a situation, they just see what their perceptions allow them to see.
So, appearing confident makes them think it is a reality.
And I really REALLY do think autistics fall into uncanny valley with behaviors that freak out NTs.
12 Mar 2016, 12:52 am
Unfortunate_Aspie_ wrote:
Aristophanes wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm not sure I totally disagree with you, Aristophanes, actually. I think maybe the goal should just be to practice talking to women casually. Not asking them out. To get better you have to take the pressure off. I'm just against trying to hyper-analyze everything you do or trying to act like a different person. That is extremely counterproductive.
You may be right on my use of the word confidence, but i have a reason for pushing it. I'm a believer in uncanny valley theory applying to humans. I think most autistics that are "passing" are also probably slightly off from "normal", just enough to tease an NT instinct that something's not quite right-- like deja vu, or "vibes". That's why most autistics have problems honing down specific problems in interaction and NT's can't really tell you what's wrong if they're trying to be helpful-- they don't even know why they feel that way. The reason I'm big on confidence is that if you give people a sense you're secure in yourself, it helps ease some of that uncanny valley tension in them.
That's why i view it as "presentation" and not a personality change, it really is just a few alterations. I mean confidence gives the sense you know what's going on, but let's face it, a meteor could hit you tonight and all the confidence in the world wouldn't stop it. It is a completely illogical thing I myself don't actually "feel", but i can play it and it does make interaction much easier. It's just what people expect and if you want to do well with people, you give them what they want.
I have thought this very often. Sometimes just being comfortable makes other people feel comfortable and they LIKE when others can put them at ease. I mean with NTs it's often all about the illusion not the reality of a situation (as much as it makes NO f*****g SENSE to me personally) NTs often can't and don't see the reality of someone or a situation, they just see what their perceptions allow them to see.
So, appearing confident makes them think it is a reality.
And I really REALLY do think autistics fall into uncanny valley with behaviors that freak out NTs.
I think what I'm saying is it doesn't help to think about things you can't really help. In know a lot of people on the autism spectrum might process verbal information slower and thus respond slower to questions. They also might have a slight speech problem like a mild stutter, or unusual tone/cadence. Unfortunately people are shallow and also judge these things as being in the vague realm of "confidence", even if they can't really be helped. It sucks and isn't fair, so it's pretty much pointless trying to overthink and correct everything that is "wrong" about you. It will just make you feel awful and less confident (in the mental sense). Overthinking makes things worse for people on the autism spectrum. You have to find someone who accepts you despite whatever surface differences there are in how you communicate. That's just how it is. There is a limit to how well you can pretend to be perfectly NT. You can't constantly beat yourself up and drag your self-esteem through the mud by unsuccessfully trying to micro-manage your presentation. It just doesn't work. You have to be relaxed or you just make everything worse. Trying too hard is counterproductive. You'll just seem more unnatural. You have to work with your strengths.
05 Nov 2017, 10:15 am
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