Good mood but suicide ideation and depressive thoughts?

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What does it mean if I feel kinda happy but I also am thinking about how I am evil and should kill myself etc? My moods confuse me. PS I don't think I have a current diagnosis of depression??? My GP summary says 'depressed mood' which idk if is equivalent to depression or not. Anyway I'd say I definitely have some form of depression as I frequently feel depressed (although I don't keep track of what percentage of the time - I often have good moods but I can be having depression symptoms during those moods such as suicide ideation etc), think about suicide, hate myself, lack motivation, etc.

My mood is generally even at this time, but I've still got the idea that I'm worthless and wretched, should probably not exist in this world.
I have a diagnosis of clinical depression and severe anxiety, alongside my ASD diagnosis.
I'm pretty used to these thoughts, and I've come to realise that when you start planning your death is when you have to tell someone and get help. I don't mean just picturing it, I mean making actual plans with details,method and times.
When we are mentally well we don't reach these stages.

I'm not sure what your GP means, you certainly sound depressed and you may want to try Prozac or something, it works for some folks, others not so much and you stay on it for years.

I'm unsure what my actual point was, I'm sure I had one when I hit reply, you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

Also don't belittle your feelings to yourself, stand up to yourself, now I sound crazy.

Do you mean you find yourself feeing happy then feel guilty for feeling happy and inject depression?

Or is it; you feel happy and then suddenly a wave of darkness hit you on the blind side?

I get you.

I'm still unsure what it actually means.

I wonder if it's because I've experienced a moment that should be happiness, but I'm depressed so it's crushing it down and what I'm feeling is the struggle between the two emotions.
Maybe due to having depression this is as close to happy as I can get?

It's a beautiful, sunny day and you are wearing your favourite outfit, your shades are just perfect. Had your hair done last week, life is good. Darkness. I'm a waste of DNA, who the hell would create something so at odds with it's environment, I shouldn't exist...that person smiled at me because they found me comical. I should just kill myself, do the planet a favour.
Is that close?

I suppose it's like people who visit political rallies.

If you support the person speaking then you will feel empowered and good about things, if you don't agree with the speaker's politics you may well feel angry and ignored.
Perhaps that is a bit simplistic, but sometimes it kind of feels like that.

If your mood is good then life is good, you notice people's smiles , you hear the easy laughter of friends, etc.

If you are depressed, you notice the stares, the laughter is directed at your walk, women seem wicked, oh wait that's Jim.

To the OP: it sounds like you might have atypical depression or dysthymia.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atypical_depression
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia

Don't know. I don't understand this. I've struggled with severe depression most of my life. I can't imagine having suicidal ideation without feeling miserable. The desire for suicide to me is nothing more than the desire to escape pain. I can't imagine feeling suicidal without pain. I have no desire to punish myself. I don't understand depressed people who desire to punish themselves. I'm already hurting, what sense would it make to make myself hurt even more? I don't have this mindset. I haven't done the world any wrong by being born with the misfortune of being prone to depression.

I had this type of thing when I was so depressed and crying all the time that I quit my good University job, and then I felt like I could do anything, the sky was the limit, I tried to get a mortgage to buy a house with no income... really flying and feeling great while thinking about ending my life. Yes it is weird and unhealthy, it is called bipolar for me. A GP does not have full training in this and you should call a crisis line and get help from people trained in such things. Don't mess with figuring it out yourself. It is tempting to do, but we cannot get fully objective (free of) ourselves and people go through at least 6 years of college including graduate school for qualifications in any kind social work. That's just social work. Please don't hesitate because you're wondering, get help. And by the way, calling a crisis line (hotline) does not mean hospitalization. I have called quite a few times and they just keep making sure you're all right.

I've had some suicidal ideation despite having friends and family that care about me and having a decent life. I grew up without my mom (she died when I was 3), and I had a hard time making friends in high school. In fact, I had only 4 friends in High School and reconnected with 1 which I'm currently skeptical about because of his tachycardia and the crazy things he told me when he was drunk. I had a couple suicide attempts in my life, and over the years I learned that I had to fight depression on my own. I wasn't going to listen to anyone's sugarcoating statements to try to cheer me up. To me, it didn't matter how good I had my life, I still got depressed. Mainly because of the past and now being 29. Although my depression has been getting better since I had my first girlfriend and got laid, (but it got back worse because it was a bad one that I only had for one week), I still have my anxiety of taking on challenges like talking to girls, or applying new jobs. Even standing up to my crazy friend and telling him where he's being naive is a challenge.

What I learned from depression: Depression is like sinking in quicksand, which stops when your survival instincts kick in but keeps going as you work on pulling out. No one else is around to pull you out, in other words, nobody can make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. You have to fight depression. Sure there's therapists and psychiatrists that will try to help, but the truth is, you have to work yourself out of depression by yourself. The game of life will never be fair or just. You just have to accept that and find your own way to be happy.

I don’t know if this reply will help, but I hope it does. I’m 72 years old and was diagnosed and treated privately for Asperger’s Syndrome 23 years ago, only a couple of years after it had been officially given that name by the United Nations World Health Organisation, and have been coaching and counselling Auties and Aspies ever since, first using a secure office intranet system, to keep it confidential, as our mental condition and what we did was officially secret, because we worked for the government. The public bodies whom I worked for at that time had to be wound up 2 years later, so I had to go public using the internet, being careful not to reveal any secrets until they came out of the Official Secrets closet 3 years ago or face charges of treason. I’ve coached and counselled about 80,000 Auties and Aspies in all, since I started, mostly in suicide avoidance and prevention.

This was because many of my clients have been suicidal when they’ve contacted me, usually because their self esteem had hit rock bottom as they felt worthless and depressed. I began specialising increasingly in what I came to discern as an English/Norse/Viking strain of Asperger’s Syndrome. It was imported into England by Duke William of Normandy who conquered and colonised England in 1066.

He gave it to all his offspring, to secure their loyalty to him, by culling (killing) all the indigenous males and tupping (raping, doggy fashion) females, and they in turn, gave it to their offspring, and so on, and so forth, to the early 20th century, so, by then, they owned and occupied most of the land surface of the planet.

The reason they successfully colonised such a large ratio of the land surface of the earth was, they were virtually invincible both in war, and in peace, for they knew how to die for from a couple of minutes or a couple of days at any time and, then, come back to life, to do battle, or keep the peace, again.

This bizarre trait stemmed from bloodstock breeding experiments carried out by the rulers of the Indus Valley Civilisation thousands of years back, to develop a steady and cheap replacement supply of royal guards who would be suicidally loyal, brave, intelligent, chivalrous, and invincible, in war, but so suicidally disloyal, cowardly, stupid, reckless and gullible, in peace, to kill each other off. They were so bloodthirsty and violent, that when they ran out of each other to kill, they killed themselves by suicide or reckless endangerment, due to being bored witless out of their minds, by having nobody to kill anymore.

However, the Vikings or Norsemen, to be more correct, were renowned for their bizarre ability to die for up to a couple of days and come back to life, to do battle, or keep the peace, or whatever, again, so much so that a King of France gave a dukedom to a Viking, known as Rollo, to defend all of France for him. And, because Rollo and his descendants thereafter passed the knowledge of how to die and come back to life, at will, down through this increasingly large dynasty of his, by word of mouth, as their private, royal, governmance, secret, one such descendant by the name of William, who inherited the dukedom, wanted to leave a legacy to his second son, William II, as he intended giving the dukedom, which was more valuable, to his first son, Robet II, so conquered and colonised the neighbouring nation of England, over the English channel from France, by conquering it from the Anglo-Saxons of Germany, who settled there, centuries earlier, after being excommunicated from the Church of Rome and dispossessed of their lands in Germany, for a pagan heresy called Aryanism by Charlemagne, the first Christian Roman Emperor.

I know all this, because, as I have mentioned, I’ve been coaching and counselling suicide avoidance and prevention for the past 23 years. It is on behalf of the society founded by William for the purpose, so I charge no fees for doing so, and never have done, because I was taught it free and promised I would promulgate it as far and wide as I could as soon as I was able. PM if you want details.