**Period Rants**

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Period rants? Hell, yes, I can do period rants.

I've been menstruating for the past TWO AND A HALF MONTHS--and yes, I'm on birth control, and yes, I see a doctor. Recently the blood dropped off and I've been spotting on and off, so I think I may be "between periods"? I seem to have been having some of my PMS symptoms.

I'm a trans man. Periods make me want to crawl in a hole and die due to dysphoria alone.
EDIT: Sorry, actually I'm genderfluid, but more male than female. I slip up when I'm feeling strongly male and sometimes forget that I don't always feel that way.

But the PMS itself can make me want desperately to kill myself when I was perfectly happy the day before (this is me remembering the times when my periods actually stopped, back when I had gaps between my post-period mood swings and my PMS).

And then there's the pain. I can't go to school because the pain causes me to miss too much class. I can't work full time and I've got severely limited choices in jobs. Sometimes I'll be in so much pain I can't even think and don't know what's going on around me--once, I was in so much pain that my face disappeared when I looked in the mirror. Apparently I pass out, but I live alone so now I have no idea if that happens! Not being able to move sucks ass, especially for someone who usually has as much energy as I do. I NEED to take walks. And building muscle is important to me because it makes me feel stronger and safer and cooler and also helps me with my gender dysphoria because I can build certain muscles to get my body into a more "masculine" shape...but NOOOOO, can't do a reasonable amount of that anymore, because it worsens pain and may even be reactivating my bleeding sometimes. At this point, I'm almost always in a certain amount of pain, even if I'm not bleeding. Some days it's not terribly severe but it still interferes with my executive functioning and sensory integration issues and if I'm not careful I can apparently push it into being worse.

A combination of whatever the hell's going wrong with my uterus (probably endometriosis, for starters) and the pain medication has f****d with my gastrointestinal tract that ALREADY didn't need much messing with (since Autistic people tend to have these issues too). I missed nearly a month of work when the pain pill my previous gynecologist had me on f****d up my stomach to the point where I couldn't keep down fluids. Even now, I sometimes have to start the day on the toilet, sh*****g and vomiting and crying at my cat. It usually happens when I take pain pills--I'm between pain pills at the moment because I hate taking narcotics (they make me itchy and I get anxious about the mood elevation stuff) and NSAIDs f**k my stomach up (and my kidneys are also a concern now).

I have an appointment with a Uterus-Problem-Diagnosis-Specialist-Gynecologist in a few weeks. Just a few more weeks. Hopefully THIS TIME we'll get something done, but it'll probably take surgery. Unfortunately, a lot of gynecologists don't f*****g take Autisitc people seriously (I didn't even TELL them about the trauma and the trans-ness and the mental illnesses) but I have to tell all my doctors about my Autism because of the way I respond when they touch me.

Oh, and the blood smells like s**t. For most of this two and a half months it's been OLD blood clots, the smell of which makes me want to tear my f*****g throat out. I should be able to absent-mindedly fondle my genitals without having to chop off my hands! I guess I should be thankful, though, because without the birth control it'd probably be a constant heavy blood flow with constant heavy cramps.

And when I mention this to people, their response is almost always: "Have you tried...birth control?"
No s**t. It's not like I've spent the past few years going to doctors trying to get this sorted out. And my birth control options are also pretty limited because a lot of THEM can also trigger extreme suicidal thoughts and other "mood changes" (that word really isn't strong enough to describe what happened when I tried to use the Nuvaring).

I've had a history of bad menstrual cycles; they began before I even entered secondary school, too. They were incredibly painful as a teen, needed to be high on painkillers for 6 days each time, alongside the obligatory hormone medication. It's also rather annoying considering how much I love to add dates to my calendars, that my own body is very 'meh' regarding punctuality. I did go through months of amenorrhea due to anorexia complications about 7 years ago, but despite the definitive threat of damaged fertility, back then I was more preoccupied with the fact my hair was falling out in clumps.
Healthier now but damn, those periods have never been quite the same since those times. They never stick long to any pre-ordained schedule though they are thankfully a great deal less diabolical.

Teenage years: Heavy periods, bad cramping
20s: A little bit better. A medication I take had the off-label effect of thinning my blood, so the cramping wasn't so bad.
30s: Not too painful physically, but I would get down emotionally
40s: At age 46, in 2011, I had one period that was very heavy and lasted an entire month. I was on the verge of needing a transfusion, because my hemoglobin was so low. Thankfully, I got over that.
52: Haven't had a period in nearly a year. Hopefully done for good.

Back before I had an IUD put in, I always had to take pills whenever I got my period and it would take about 30 minutes for them to kick in for the pain to go away. I would feel it in my back and upper legs and it would feel like I was constipated. I couldn't tell if I had to poop or if I was getting my period unless I saw blood. But back when I was on birth control, I knew when it would come and they were light and medium and not heavy, they were pain free. Then I stopped taking them and it took a while for the pain to come back and then I tried depo shots but it took away my sex drive so I stopped it. I just went along with taking Tylenol. It's over the counter and it worked with menstrual cramps. Now I have an IUD, my period is very light and irregular and pain free. I was put on birth control at 13 because I was so over sensitive due to hormones and plus my periods were very irregular they would come early. Like I would be done with my period only to get it a week later.

I would get pain in the right lower quadrant of my abdomen, where my appendix is. There were times I thought I would have to go to hospital for surgery.