New, struggling

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Hey, I'm new here. Wasn't exactly sure where the best place was to post, but I'm really struggling right now in life. I guess I was just feeling the need to vent or look for some kind of help, or just any hope really that things can get better.

I'm twenty-five, and was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome as a kid. My father is schizophrenic, possibly bipolar, my mother struggles with depression and my brother with OCD; so mental illness is a fairly common thread through our family. I live alone and am self-employed, but I'm having a really hard time making ends meet with rent and utilities. Plus I just found out that I owe about $2000 in taxes that I can't afford for being self-employed. I don't know if technically I fall below the poverty line, but it certainly feels that way- at the moment, I don't even have a bed. So being asked to pay such a significant sum while already scraping the bottom of the barrel has been a very harsh blow.

I also owe about $30,000 or more in student loans. I made the minimum monthly payments until very recently, when I got a deferment because I was having such a hard time with money. But, any relief I felt from that was kind of offset by the now monthly payments I'll have to make on my taxes.

It just feels like stress is bearing down on me to a point that I can no longer stand it. I try so hard, and I always have, but I feel like I live in a world that's rigged against people like me. I did very well in school but always felt like learning new things was a struggle for me, and now I feel as though I don't have the confidence or the skill set to seek traditional, steady employment. Even something like working in fast food or retail seems like it would completely overwhelm me, as I've had such jobs before. And when I could actually deal with having to socialize and figure things out to some degree, in the end my depression would always begin to interfere, so that going from one day to the next became absolutely miserable.

I desperately need freedom in my life, but it seems as though there's no way for me to have it.

Socially, I feel like a complete reject. I crave love or a relationship of some kind, but I feel a million miles apart from anyone I'm around, and women seem completely disinterested in me. I have very low self-esteem, very few friends, and nothing that makes me genuinely happy in life despite working so hard all the time toward bettering myself.

I'm in therapy right now, and trying to find a psychiatrist soon to consider medication. But I just feel so hopeless and destitute, like nothing I can do will fix my life, and things will just keep being this way forever. I really need help, but it seems like there's nothing out there for me or I'm too overwhelmed to try and seek it.

I guess I don't really know what I'm saying or asking. Just venting. I'm not too big on forums or group discussions, but I just don't know where I can turn to anymore.

Hey. Welcome to wp. Sorry you're having a hard time. I can relate I'm really struggling now too with work money mental health etc. Sounds like trying medication might be a good idea for you. I'm thinking of going back on antidepressants myself. Are there any tax loopholes because of autism? Like a deferal for that too.I don't know shift about that stuff though. At least u live independently. That's a plus from where I'm standing. And you do vent very well.

Hey, thanks for the encouragement I've tried antidepressants in the past, but I haven't really found anything that had any effect on me. I'll hopefully be giving it another shot soon, even though that wouldn't be my first choice in dealing with things.

As far as loopholes go, I haven't really come across anything like that, although I'm hardly a tax expert. I get the impression that there's very little leniency with the IRS as far as extenuating circumstances go :/ They're letting me make payments, but I think it might start accumulating as I go from one year to the next before I get even a fraction of the first year's debt paid off. It's frustrating, because I specifically took on freelancing because I don't think I can handle a "real" job, but it feels like I'm being penalized to the point that that's impossible too.

And yeah, I'm getting a bit too good at venting haha. Just a lot on my mind I suppose. It does feel a lot better to live independently than it did living at home, but it sort of compounds the stress of having to fear a slip-up and losing all of that again.

Hope things get better for you as well

Welcome to WP! Hope this forum helps you.

Hey amdedinboro welcome.

Hi, welcome, vent as much as you like here. Life is never static, things are always changing. It's like a roller coaster up and down. I hope a good change is just around the corner for you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!