What do I do with the rest of my life?

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I'm 30 yr old male, never had a girlfriend or any friends. I dont know anyone outside of work and still live at home. I can't relate at all to anyone. I feel I'm so far behind that I cant catch up. What should I do?

What are you good at?

I can sympathise. That sounds like me and to a large extent, it is still me though I have made a bit of progress. So this is the advice I give myself, even if I'm not too good at following it.

The good news is, you can catch up. This isn't a race, and you won't be disqualified from life if you've not had your first kiss by 20 or whatever. Consider which things you want, and which things do you feel you ought to be doing. That is an important distinction. There is a huge array of things that people experience pressure to do from their peers, the media, pop culture, family etc. Personally, I ended up panicking and going into a cycle of self-hate when I realised how much better my peers were doing in so many aspects of life, which would discourage me from even starting to improve myself. So the most important thing I'd advise is, start small. Don't rush to "catch up" with your development, go at whatever pace works for you. Savour small achievements.

Some other advice--

Do your parents / the people you live with know about your condition? More specifically, do they know how it affects you, and what specific problems you encounter? I found it very helpful to be able to write out an essay a couple of pages long, which I passed on to my parents. I described each problem I faced ("I find it very hard to read the unspoken communications of others", for example), and then wrote a paragraph attempting to explain why I thought that was, and how it impaired me in daily life. My own parents were able to offer some useful advice, and I felt less embarrased to ask "stupid questions" when I knew they understood the reason behind them.

What specific problems do you run into, with interaction? Do you find certain forms of communication easier than others (online chat, or written, for example)? I've developed and sustained some friendships online, mainly via MSN Messenger. They started off with a shared interest (roleplaying games) and moved past that over a few years.

What are you good at? Odds are that there will be some other people in the area who share that interest. I find that talking with people becomes a lot easier when there is a clear thing to talk about, rather than spontaneous chatter.

If you don't exercise, maybe you could take it up in some way. Depending on your preferences, finances, spare time and location, it could be joining a gym, going swimming, jogging, long walks or something else. It might not seem relevant to anything else, but it helped to improve my health and self-image a bit, both of which had a feedback effect where I felt more at ease with myself, which helped in other areas. And it was good to be able to tangibly achieve a target.

That's all I can think of for now. I hope it was helpful.

Continuing from what I said, if you can figure out what you're good at, do it more and try to find a way of turning it into a dedicated hobby, or even profession. If you're not good at anything, then.. get some sort of job if you don't already have one, and in your free time, smoke weed and play video games, or something.
Should make for a fairly decent life.

Maybe I should elaborate a bit. I would like an in-person friend etc. I really dont want any MSN chat buddies. I got tired of that years ago.

You should really think about your life!

Live until you die.

So, you're talking about making friends, not about what to do with the rest of your life?
I don't see how it makes any sense how you quoted what I said to say that.. I didn't say anything about MSN chat buddies.

Last edited by miku on 29 Apr 2007, 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you Elemental - that gave me a good laugh, and it's funny because it's true!

Knutella, I guess the goal is to have not the life that society is telling us we should have, but the life we're happy with. You say you're working - that's great! A bit of cash is great for independence or self-esteem. Are you happy with what you're doing? Or would you rather seek a job in a different field? Or do some study? Not that there's any pressure to move on if you're happy where you are.

I found living alone to be the most agreeable arrangement for me. I live in a smallish city, where rentals aren't that expensive in relation to the big cities. It's great to have a bit of space and privacy, and to be in control of your surroundings more.

1) Move to a tropical Island--Hawaii would be nice! Low stress, relaxed atmosphere, people are friendly. Just walking on the beach and then walking home with no shoes is wonderful.

2) Go travel the world, have some adventures. Save up for a plane ticket to Europe and get a job there. Save up for a little while, then fly to Africa. Do the same there then go to South America. Etc. Then come back with great experiences. It might make it easier to make friends if you have neat stories as well. (I'm actually planning on doing this once I get out of school)

3) try a dating service. eharmony worked for my brother. Women there are trying to meet you with that expectation of dating. Even if it doesn't work out, the experience you will get dating will be invaluable in the regular dating world if you've never had a girlfriend before. You've gotta get practice somewhere and mess up a few times.

4) join the military

5) learn a language. If you don't have much of a social life you probably have lots of spare time. If you learn a foreign language thats not very common, you can make big bucks in the job market as a translator or even just for knowing it in case they need you to speak it. Thats what I've been doing with Arabic the past couple years (learning it, wont use it til after school)

6) Get involved in an aspergers/autism support group.


Just a few ideas.

It could be worth your while to get to know someone through exchange of e-mails, and meet in person only after you've become closely acquainted with each other by being completely open and honest in your writings. This is how my wife and I came together. Following this path, there would be no social issues for you to worry about, because only the two of you matter within the given context, no one else.

It's a process of self-discovery. Being aware of who you are, and what you want out of life. What are you looking for in a friend?

I don't crave friendship much because I have few social needs. I'm very much self-sufficient. That's my chosen path. Yours may be very different.

Just to give you some background on myself -

I'm 30 as well, and have never had a proper girlfriend. I do live on my own, having moved out when I was 23, but my social life hasn't changed much since the move, although it has given me the privacy that I require.

Nothing wrong with living at home or not having a girlfriend (even if society in general sees a link between the two). I agree you can only get so much out of an online relationship, but it's a start if nothing else is available. And you never know...you could meet someone local online and meet in person some day.

How well do you know the people at work? Can you hang out with them some time and maybe they can introduce you to their friends, and so on? Having a few close allies at work can take the stress out of having to initiate small talk with people you wouldn't otherwise know.

It's never too late! I'm 42 and have some very specific goals for my life. I have already accomplished one on my list-to send a book manuscript about my cat, Samantha to a publisher. I have more education than some people my age but am behind in other areas. I hope to work on getting my driver's license again. (I did learn to drive ten years ago, but failed the behind the wheel test due to nerves.) Determine what you do well and try for a job in that area. I always loved libraries and have been working at my local public library for almost five years now. I am working on getting a full-time job. (Hopefully, I can accomplish this goal when the new library opens in 2008.)

As for marriage, I don't anticipate that will be in my future. I don't rule it out completely, however.

You sound a lot like me. I'm still living at home, and yet to figure out the girlfriend thing. One thing I did figured out is friends at 24.

First off you have to be honest with yourself. Do you really have a clue what friendship is? I don't mean the dictionary definition. What they are really about? I didn't. I eventually realised I was focusing on too much at once when I didn't have a clue. If I don't get the friends thing you will not get the girlfriend thing. Need to walk before you can run. You can learn about friendship and interaction. Using a rational approach is often an advantage anyway.

Also do you have any other problem other than not understanding? Would you say you get socially anxious? If so I might be able to help you. Bare in mind it can take a little while to recover from it, but if you don't take your time it will take you much longer.

I started my going to meets from a website of social anxious people. I noticed that the large formal meets weren't working for me. Every just amassed, nobody really got to know each other. I noticed there were people posting more improvised meets like gigs, or free events around town. I when to these there were much better. Great thing about that is it a focus point. There is not too much incentive to talk to often, etc. Like me you live in a big city there will loads of things that are cheap or free if you know where to look for it. Even though we live in two of the most expensive cities in the world. You also have to be open to try new things. You need a bit of what you may be interested mixed in with your current interests.

Anyway I’ll tell you what I’ve learnt so far. If you want to pm me. I'm not going to tell you everything in once go that would overwhelm you and it wouldn't help. I can only help you with the friendship thing I'm still working on the rest of it.

Btw I would say I only have 2 friends that I would consider close, that I feel I can trust. That is a big deal for me. It took me months to get over the feeling they would reject me. I'd be quite happy with that for the rest of my life. It is not about numbers. I also have various people who I see everyone and then you don't get there staring away. Also there are loads of stuff that seem obvious in hindsight like different types of friends, etc.

Count cards and make a date with the famous dancing hooker.