partners with Aspergers easier than a NT ASD relationship?

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Hey everyone,

this is my first time on these forums, I just found out that I have Asperger's about a month ago. Anyways I've been in a relationship with an NT girl for almost 2 years, and it's pretty much been hell from the beginning, now after finding this out everything makes perfect sense and we've come into a new level of understanding each other. However we are still having incredible difficulty especially with my needing isolation to re-charge and collect my thoughts. Anyways, we decided to call it quits.

So my question is for those of you out there who are in a relationship with someone else with Aspergers. What is that like? is it easier? (I know all relationships are difficult regardless) do you have a mutal deeper understanding of each other and your needs? or is it more difficult bcause both people are needing isolation all the time?

Thank you!

What exactly was "hell" about it specifically?
(I'm NT)

It is easier *if* both of you are self-aware, and have learned enough about yourselves to be able to manage things like over-stimulation, stimming (recognizing when you need to, etc) - anything else you need to communicate and sometimes negotiate in a relationship. For instance, if one of you needs to verbally stim and the other is having a really extreme sound sensitivity day, you need to be able to negotiate how you will handle it *together*. It's just more likely each of you will fully understand what the other is going through and so not be stubborn that your needs take precedent (think unmovable object vs unstoppable one).

On the other hand, a relationship with an NT can be easier *if* they have a really, really good 'outsiders' understanding of autistic needs, have tons of empathy, and have a personality that tends toward being cooperative or nurturing. It works even better - and is far more fair - if said NT also has the self confidence to ensure that the practical aspects of being together do not ignore their needs either.

Either way, balance, equality, generosity and self awareness are the key. Of course, many relationships are perfectly stable but dysfunctional to some degree because of marked imbalances - I assume that's not what you are looking for.

There has to be understanding from both sides and compromise, otherwise the NT will feel like they are on an island by themselves.

Well, It was hell because we didn't know that I had Asperger's and we fought a lot about little things in my behavior and her reactions to them, I was really angry with her a lot of the time and I didn't understand why, also I need a lot of downtime and she used to get upset when I needed to withdraw, we lived together and I couldn't meet her needs in terms of her seemingly constant need for physical affection, touch, emotional support. She is someone who thrives on communication, likes to talk a lot and get's energized by social interaction, I am the exact opposite of that, I have social anxiety so it's hard to go to things like parties and loud social gatherings, but regardless i tried my best to change with whatever tools I had.
Now understanding that I have Asperger's everything makes perfect sense, I couldn't figure out why I was so cold and nasty to her sometimes, and now we understand that what was happening was it was pretty much like an NT mother with an autistic child is like (not all) where she tried to force me into her neurotypical world would get extremley upset when I couldn't meet her emotional needs and my reaction to that was melting down, shutting down, isolating myself and a build up of subconscious resentment.

It's very interesting the dynamic in an NT and ASD relationship, for it to work the neurotypical needs to surrender most expectations and the ASD person needs to be open to learning new things about meeting the needs of the NT, the result can be very beneficial for both people, an evolution of consciousness and great healing can happen, both people can learn immensely from one another, the NT learning how to be more quiet, in their thoughts, examining their social interactions on a deeper level, the Aspergers partner can learn how to leave their comfort zone and learn about socializing with the help of the NT.

unfortunately, for me having her emotional needs met was non-negotiable for her (understandably). I am new to this whole world of ASD and Spectrum disorders so now I'm having to learn about myself from scratch after 36 years of not understanding why i was different, so I could only give her whatever I knew how.

Thank you all for the responses, this really helps me understand things,

Anyone out there in an ASD ASD relationship?

Yeah that's what it's like for me too, I liked being in the same room together, like if we were both reading, or I was playing guitar or she was doing her own thing (not always like this, sometimes i'd be in the mood for talking) but I found it extremely draining when she would interrupt and need to chit chat every five minutes and I would have to reply with the obligatory, "mmhmm", "oh yeah?", "oh", to me this just seems like dishonesty on my part because to be honest when I'm in hyper-focus mode I'm not interested in "filler talk"

Being an NT how would you compromise? Do you have an Aspie partner yourself?

I have a different perspective on this, Angela.

For me it is normal to have intensive periods, and then not writing anything for months. For instance, I know one AS woman since 10-15 years. In the beginning, we had a lot of conversations online and met a few times a year (along with some other Aspies). Nowadays, it's mostly my family that keeps contact with her, and then we meet once during summer. Another woman I know with ND-traits I first meet about 10 years ago at her uni (along with my family). Since then we have irregular email-contact. We write each others when we have something to discuss, and sometimes we don't write anything in months. For me (and them), this seems normal. I'm not at all comfortable with texting or emailing people just to "keep in touch".