Mother in law thing: is this normal?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 1,5 years now. He is 29 years old and still lives with his parents, just like his 27 year old brother. Both of them are moving out next year, when the houses they bought will be finished. Anyway, I have my own room and my boyfriend regularly comes to my place. Every so often I stay with him at his parents house. His mother is always very nice to me and I believe she is a caring mother. I do think she is a bit overbearing sometimes towards her sons, both of whom are nearly 30 years old and have steady jobs.
One specific thing that particularly annoys me is that she wakes her sons up every morning when they have to go to work. Even when she herself doesnt have to work, she will get up early and walk past their doors saying: "guys, you need to wake up it is 7am". And when they don't respond, 15 minutes later: "get up get up, time to get up". She will continue this some more often times. She does this every single work day.
I am just so weirded out by this. These guys are adults, they Both work fulltime jobs. They are perfectly capable of setting their alarms and waking up when they need to.
Now I know that I won't be able to change my mother in law. I was just curious wether this is normal or not? I think it is crazy, but perhaps not...

Sounds like she's babying/over-mothering the pair.

Are either of the two men even slightly childish, immature or otherwise dependent and reliant on her in some way?

If so, their mother may be partially to blame for coddling them in such a way.

I am sure this isn't the only thing she does and she probably does more things for them that they can do themselves that you may not be aware of.

For all we know before your boyfriend started dating you there may be a few, if not many things your mother in-law did for them that any adult should do.

She could have been making your boyfriend's lunch up to age 20, or perhaps doing his laundry till 25.

In short: In my humble opinion: No.

Do you live in Germany?

She lives in the Netherlands.

Mother-in-laws can be a trip!

It'll be cool for the guys when they could leave their mother's house.

That sounds very weird. Unless the boys are disabled in anyway, it's very weird.

I do not think mothers should be doing this for their adult sons. It is weird.
However, in their defense, sometimes things become unbroken habits because people don't pay attention and realize they are continuing to do things that *used to be* a good/appropriate thing but no longer are.

I think it would be important for *you* to know whether or not your boyfriend gets himself up on time as necessary without help.

A little bit weird, but not a big deal really. What you really want to check-up on if their mother makes decisions for them behind your back. Such behavior is likely to become a real problem for you. You will notice this if you and your bf makes a deal/compromise about something, and then he will suddenly change his mind.

Thank you for your responses, guys. I guess this behavior is not normal, as I already thought.

Yes Yes Yes that is how I see IT too

She is definitely babying them, but I would be more worried about what your boyfriend will be like living own his own/or with you. He may seem mature and capable from your perspective, because right now he still has her mothering him heavily; in her absence he may turn to you to do these things. This was my experience in my last relationship. When he no longer lived with her and we got a place, suddenly he was a helpless child. Hopefully, this won't be the case for your guy, but just be cautious.

Thank you for your advice. This really is what I am afraid of. He sees himself as a mature and capable person, but I notice little things in his behavior that make me think he avoids conflict or is afraid to stand up for what he really wants. For example, I will ask him what he wants to do next, and he will always say: 'whatever you want'. Cute answer, and I understand that he does this to please me, but that is also where the problem lies.
We were baking cookies this afternoon and his mom came up to him telling him how to take the cookies out of the oven. "Be careful, use both hands, hold it still.... now put it ever there". This is CRAZY imo (or am I the one that's crazy?).

I can't stand it when someone hovers over me telling me obvious things, it's bossy ,ask him how he feels when his mom does that

So what are you gonna do about it?

We expect a break up soon?

No

"Super annoying, I don't like it when she does that... but I have already told her to stop her babying behaviour ... she will stop for a day but she always falls back into her old habits"

Are you planning to get married, or to have a long term relationship? You marry their family too with this type of mother-son dynamic. It is weird, and the bit about the oven sets off my alarm bells, but, everyone has their flaws and whether it will affect your relationship depends on how much you are both prepared to compromise for each other.

Last edited by Amity on 08 May 2016, 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.