Ending a long-distance relationship

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I'm in a relationship that recently became long-distance, and was stressful for me before it did. Now just for context, I do care intensely about the person I am with. This is not a case of bitterness or resentment over time and I don't want to hurt this person, and I wouldn't anyway, because they deserve respect and care, I just feel I am no longer the right person to provide that affection. I have come on here before to discuss how I should approach melting down in the presence of my girlfriend in the past and received really good advice.However, in recent months the relationship has taken an extreme turn for the worse, even before my girlfriend (who I'm just going to call K for simplicity and for the sake of not typing "my girlfriend" over and over) moved away from me, but this has exacerbated our issues.

To start, we are both aware that communication has been problematic for us for quite a while, but resolving it has been very difficult for both of us, and it has led to numerous arguments. I also feel that K doesn't really trust me very much, is quite overbearing and even patronising to me at times, and also extremely emotionally needy, and that's not me being cruel or harsh, I'm just trying to state it as I see it because that's all I really know and I'm trying to be honest so that the advice I get isn't based on false information. It seems to me that K needs someone who's emotionally very receptive and open, and also someone who is going to very present for her. Alongside this, I feel as though she really struggles to understand or think about the way my Aspergers affects my behaviour, even in the simplest ways, and maybe views it as an excuse that I fall back on when I need to, which is of course not the case. I have tried very hard to engage her properly on my aspergers and ensure she's informed, and be open about how it affects me and how it co-insides with other mental health issues that I suffer from such as depression and anxiety. I also feel as though this plays into her expectations; she has a habit of making comparative comments like "my friends would jump at the chance to see their girlfriend" (when I couldn't let her stay at mine one time, as in, it wasn't actually feasible to allow her to stay here even though I wanted to) or "my friends and their boyfriends/girlfriends do xxxx" has been a theme that has been consistent in arguments and in general with K. She also has accused me of cheating on her, and the newest thing is if I try to defend myself she accuses me of being mean or cruel, or shouting at her, when I know I'm not and I'm trying to explain my side of things in a calm way. I am pretty good at controlling anger as I have had issues with it when I was a child, so I find this to be particularly vexing and it actually makes me angrier. Of course, I am sure that K has a list of things that I do too and on balance there are probably an awful lot of ways that I annoy or bother her, and the reasons I want to split up are tied up with those I've given as examples, but they aren't the whole reason in of themselves.

I don't feel I am the person to fulfil the things K needs, and I also feel very misunderstood and lonely, even more so now that she's moved away. I am comparatively pretty laid back, quite introverted and at times emotionally distant, probably more so than the average aspie due to things in my past I'm not willing to divulge on this forum. I have tried to counteract these things but I feel like they are tied up with my personality in a very fundamental way. This dilemma, along with a transitory period with family members and the stress of a deadline strewn year at University, has led to me feeling extremely depressed and lost. I don't know what to do. I want to end the relationship from the standpoint that I don't feel that I'm right for K and because it is contributing to a state of absolute and complete anxious misery for me at the moment. It is affecting my sleep, general mood, eating and attendance to university massively. But every time I have tried to end it, it simply hasn't happened because either I chicken out for fear of being more alone than I already feel, or she simply ignores the obvious hints I'm dropping to try and move the conversation onto the subject, as in literally just steamrolls over them. It also seems like she will react in an extreme manner to me breaking up with her, which is making me even more apprehensive of doing it, especially when the only option is doing so over the phone.

I don't know how this reads to all of you, but I'm at my wit's end. My therapist, my mum, my dad, any number of people I trust have not offered any advice when asked, that I feel is constructive or more than 2-dimensional, bar one person. I feel like I'm lost and this feeling is really honestly quite frightening to me. I don't know what to do.

There probably isn't an easy way to do it, however it is the right thing to do to be honest. I would frame it in such a way that they don't feel at fault. It is maybe best done in person, or with more direct communication.

However you need to figure out the main point that you are goign to across and persevere. In person they may interject, or they may be silent. Maybe just explain that you would like to say you bit first if that is ok.

I agree they are probably better of with someone else. It is an incompatibility issue.

She's a great person and I want the best for her, and I don't think I'm the best for her really, or that she's the best for me. Thank you for your advice, how would you frame it nicely though? It's going to hurt her no matter how I frame it, and I'm going to struggle to do it face-to-face as much as I'd prefer it.

There's no easy way to break up, so you just have to do it. Get it over with. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I appreciate the pragmatism of your advice, but if it was so simple I would have managed it in the previous 3-4 attempts. Thank you though, your advice is sound, I'm just useless and a constant worrier.

I had an ex who broke up with me, and I appreciated the way he did it, in the sense that it was the best he could possibly do. He didn't blame me or say that he was doing it for me or anything like that. He admitted that he wasn't happy in the relationship anymore, that he was feeling drained instead of happy. When I pressed, asking why he was giving up, he went on to say that he knew in his heart that he couldn't fix the problem, or something like that. Is that how you're feeling too?

What do you think would happen if you told her your side of the truth, that you are feeling unhappy and feel that the two of you are incompatible? If she asks for details, would it make sense to add that you don't want to fight anymore?

If she is resisting attempts to break up, or trying to find reasons to stay together you will have to be explicit and final.

I was going to say begin and end with something positive, and keep your central message fairly short. But you have to do that intelligently. Positive, but not too indicative of being on the fence.

Don't do this after an argument, either. You need to convey you have given this a lot of thought.

Even if she doesn't want to do it, she can't control your actions. Neither can control each other's actions, so stick with your decision and act accordingly.

You are also really young, so both have you whole life ahead of you.

Funny, doesn't that hurt though? ^^



True, unless life's just a ball game or masquerade..which it normally is.