Ok, I think my gf has some issues. Please help.

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Tross
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22 May 2016, 11:47 pm

Yeah, I'm here again, and I'm still with the same girl. What can I say? I have my doubts, and then she pulls me back in by being sweet and charming when we hang out in person. Anyways, the main issue we've been facing has finally come to the surface, and it's well known to both of us that a source of conflict is the fact that I have hobbies and she just doesn't know what to do when she's alone. I think personality wise I'm just someone who enjoys spending some time with people, and at other times enjoys some alone time to pursue my hobbies, or maybe just wants to hang out with my friends, while she just can't be alone or she gets depressed.

It's an issue that I've brought up a few times with her, but it seems to have hit an all time low. Today we went on a lunch date with my friend and his gf, and then we went out for bubble tea, and finished off the afternoon at the house of a friend of her's playing Cards Against Humanity. I left just after 5:00 to drive my gf home, then head home for dinner. After dinner, my gf wanted to text but I said I'd ttyl since I was tired and just wanted some alone time to play some videogames.

Here's where the story takes a turn for the worse. She said she hadn't had dinner and didn't want to eat because she was sad and alone, and that I don't care about her. After much coaxing, wherein I refused to talk to her until she ate something, she finally did have something to eat. Thank God. But, I got quite worried. I texted her brother who said she does that from time to time when she feels like she's being excluded. Well, it's good to know that it's nothing new, but that's a problem that I don't want to have to deal with again. Any thoughts?



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23 May 2016, 1:37 am

Tross wrote:
Yeah, I'm here again, and I'm still with the same girl. What can I say? I have my doubts, and then she pulls me back in by being sweet and charming when we hang out in person. Anyways, the main issue we've been facing has finally come to the surface, and it's well known to both of us that a source of conflict is the fact that I have hobbies and she just doesn't know what to do when she's alone. I think personality wise I'm just someone who enjoys spending some time with people, and at other times enjoys some alone time to pursue my hobbies, or maybe just wants to hang out with my friends, while she just can't be alone or she gets depressed.

It's an issue that I've brought up a few times with her, but it seems to have hit an all time low. Today we went on a lunch date with my friend and his gf, and then we went out for bubble tea, and finished off the afternoon at the house of a friend of her's playing Cards Against Humanity. I left just after 5:00 to drive my gf home, then head home for dinner. After dinner, my gf wanted to text but I said I'd ttyl since I was tired and just wanted some alone time to play some videogames.

Here's where the story takes a turn for the worse. She said she hadn't had dinner and didn't want to eat because she was sad and alone, and that I don't care about her. After much coaxing, wherein I refused to talk to her until she ate something, she finally did have something to eat. Thank God. But, I got quite worried. I texted her brother who said she does that from time to time when she feels like she's being excluded. Well, it's good to know that it's nothing new, but that's a problem that I don't want to have to deal with again. Any thoughts?


Well why does she have to be excluded from dinner, why do you and her hobbies and social lives have to be so separate? I figure its a good idea for couples to share friends not have seperate ones they cant show each other to out of fear of negative judgement.


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23 May 2016, 2:04 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Tross wrote:
Yeah, I'm here again, and I'm still with the same girl. What can I say? I have my doubts, and then she pulls me back in by being sweet and charming when we hang out in person. Anyways, the main issue we've been facing has finally come to the surface, and it's well known to both of us that a source of conflict is the fact that I have hobbies and she just doesn't know what to do when she's alone. I think personality wise I'm just someone who enjoys spending some time with people, and at other times enjoys some alone time to pursue my hobbies, or maybe just wants to hang out with my friends, while she just can't be alone or she gets depressed.

It's an issue that I've brought up a few times with her, but it seems to have hit an all time low. Today we went on a lunch date with my friend and his gf, and then we went out for bubble tea, and finished off the afternoon at the house of a friend of her's playing Cards Against Humanity. I left just after 5:00 to drive my gf home, then head home for dinner. After dinner, my gf wanted to text but I said I'd ttyl since I was tired and just wanted some alone time to play some videogames.

Here's where the story takes a turn for the worse. She said she hadn't had dinner and didn't want to eat because she was sad and alone, and that I don't care about her. After much coaxing, wherein I refused to talk to her until she ate something, she finally did have something to eat. Thank God. But, I got quite worried. I texted her brother who said she does that from time to time when she feels like she's being excluded. Well, it's good to know that it's nothing new, but that's a problem that I don't want to have to deal with again. Any thoughts?


Well why does she have to be excluded from dinner, why do you and her hobbies and social lives have to be so separate? I figure its a good idea for couples to share friends not have seperate ones they cant show each other to out of fear of negative judgement.

She's not excluded from anything. I just went home to have dinner with my family. She's not excluded from my hobbies either. If she wants to take an interest in them, she can. She hasn't though. I do like to be alone from time to time to recharge, and with videogames I find I can get far more immersed if I can give them 100% concentration, meaning I'd rather not also be texting. I spent time with her all afternoon, and it's not like our friends are mutually exclusive groups. I'm not shutting her out of my life or anything; I'm just taking time for myself. There's certainly no judgement there.

With my friends, sometimes I just like to have "guy time", and if she wants to have "girl time" with her female friends, that's cool with me. I don't think she sees that in the same way though. Actually, the weekly Munchkin meet ups I attend aren't technically guy time, as we welcome all people interested in playing Munchkin, which happens to be just guys currently. My gf has no interest in it, so that's why she isn't a part of that. And no, I don't like texting when I'm playing as I like to get into the game and have fun conversations with the people sitting around the table with me. I think the real issue is that my gf just doesn't know how to handle being alone for any length of time.

As a bit of an update, she did tell me it is her time of the month, which makes her a little emotionally unstable, but I hope I don't have to deal with such a massive meltdown on a monthly basis, and I'm sure she wouldn't have reacted that way if I didn't decide to have some time to myself. I'm an aspie. I need to occasionally set aside time for my special interests, and other things in my weekly schedule, and too much social interaction can exhaust me. I'm far from a shut-in as I have a regular social schedule, but it seems my gf always wants me to go to this and that, and I just get tired and need to recharge.



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23 May 2016, 5:38 am

Starving herself for attention is outright manipulation and any form of manipulation, period or not, is wrong.

Good to see ya back, Tross. But it's unfortunate your issues with her haven't been solved and actually sound possibly worse.

I would disregard the fact that you are an aspie because this is not the cause of your need for 'alone time' - even N.T.'s need some time away from their S.O.'s.

I have a few questions:

1. Is your girlfriend employed? Typically unemployed people need to find something constructive to do with their time, otherwise they can end up feeling bored, depressed, lonely, 2 out of 3, or all 3.

2. How prosperous is her social life aside from you? Some people without many good friends tend to become very clingy and attached when they get a relationship as it's one of the only people they have to spend time with.

3. How many relationships has she had before you? If you're her first she may not have much experience.

4. You said you did make the effort to try and find her a hobby or interest, but my question is when you did so, did you only suggest the things YOU like to her, or did you actually try and find a general list of hobbies or activties she could partake in?

The reason I ask this is because if every suggestion you've made has been stuff you're interested in as well, you may be a bit bias in your recommendations. You sound like something of a nerd/geek OP if you enjoy board games and video games and such like you do, I'm assuming possibly RPG's as well (real-life and online), so maybe she's just not a 'nerd' and you're only introducing her to nerdier interests.

You could suggest a sport of some kind, gardening, music, writing or a variety of other things that may be far more suited to her personality.



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23 May 2016, 1:36 pm

Outrider wrote:
Starving herself for attention is outright manipulation and any form of manipulation, period or not, is wrong.

Good to see ya back, Tross. But it's unfortunate your issues with her haven't been solved and actually sound possibly worse.

I would disregard the fact that you are an aspie because this is not the cause of your need for 'alone time' - even N.T.'s need some time away from their S.O.'s.

I have a few questions:

1. Is your girlfriend employed? Typically unemployed people need to find something constructive to do with their time, otherwise they can end up feeling bored, depressed, lonely, 2 out of 3, or all 3.

2. How prosperous is her social life aside from you? Some people without many good friends tend to become very clingy and attached when they get a relationship as it's one of the only people they have to spend time with.

3. How many relationships has she had before you? If you're her first she may not have much experience.

4. You said you did make the effort to try and find her a hobby or interest, but my question is when you did so, did you only suggest the things YOU like to her, or did you actually try and find a general list of hobbies or activties she could partake in?

The reason I ask this is because if every suggestion you've made has been stuff you're interested in as well, you may be a bit bias in your recommendations. You sound like something of a nerd/geek OP if you enjoy board games and video games and such like you do, I'm assuming possibly RPG's as well (real-life and online), so maybe she's just not a 'nerd' and you're only introducing her to nerdier interests.

You could suggest a sport of some kind, gardening, music, writing or a variety of other things that may be far more suited to her personality.

I guess I should respond to your points in order, so:

1. She's enrolled in some kind of work experience type thing, but she hasn't been placed anywhere yet, and she doesn't go to those sessions everyday, so she does have a lot of alone time in her day unless she's out with friends.

2. She has a number of people in her friend circle, but most of them work and have other obligations, so she can't exactly hang out with them 24/7. She also has a tendency to push people away, usually other girls, by fabricating some kind of drama with them; usually where she thinks the other person sassed her, even though they almost never did. She makes up with most of them after coming to her senses and apologizing, but one or two have started avoiding her or only spending a little time with her. She asks me to "take her side" in these altercations, but I just say that guys don't have time for that sort of thing, which is true because we don't.

3. She had a couple of boyfriends before me. It sounds like one molested her and cheated on her on the side, and the other is now an ex-girlfriend...because that's a thing in 2016. I have no issue with trans people by the way, and the way she tells the story it was obvious he was going to make the change at some point. I've been with her the longest by far, as we've been together 11 months now.

4. I did make it quite clear to her that she doesn't have to take an interest in my hobbies, but she should find one she likes, as it will definitely make being alone a lot easier. I suggested asking around to see what people are into and why, starting with her family. She doesn't want to do that though. She says she "hates hobbies". I insist that's because she hasn't found one she's into, but she's no closer to finding something to occupy her. I also suggested a simple Google search, but I guess Google is not her friend. Probably just as well as I'm not sure what Google would come up with anyways. She certainly doesn't need to be exposed to the shadier side of the Internet.



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24 May 2016, 6:33 am

I know you aren't going to listen to me but....

Run for the hills. These issues will NOT get any better and will only get worse. Sounds like you are dating my ex-girlfriend! She did the exact same thing of putting the 'sweet' on just as I was ready to break it off for good. This happened again and again and got worse each time. By the end, I was beginning to doubt my own perceptions.

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As a bit of an update, she did tell me it is her time of the month, which makes her a little emotionally unstable
That is a BS excuse and you know it. With most women, I cannot tell and with my lady, I only know because she (indirectly) tells me.



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24 May 2016, 10:09 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I know you aren't going to listen to me but....

Run for the hills. These issues will NOT get any better and will only get worse. Sounds like you are dating my ex-girlfriend! She did the exact same thing of putting the 'sweet' on just as I was ready to break it off for good. This happened again and again and got worse each time. By the end, I was beginning to doubt my own perceptions.

Quote:
As a bit of an update, she did tell me it is her time of the month, which makes her a little emotionally unstable
That is a BS excuse and you know it. With most women, I cannot tell and with my lady, I only know because she (indirectly) tells me.

I do know she gets really emotional and flips on me periodically, but maybe I should keep track of the frequency of those moments. I know better than to ask if she's having her period, but at times she will just flat out tell me. You're telling me that's a ruse? I suppose I haven't known any other women who go on hunger strikes once a month over their man wanting to play some videogames.

I might have to end things. I'm probably holding us both back. Her dream seems to be to play house with me one day, but I don't think she has really considered the steps we will both have to take to make that happen. I don't think she knows what she wants out of life, and my mom and dad think she has some maturing to do. I know I can't marry her until she does. I don't think now is the time to end things as I don't know what she'll driven to if just wanting some alone time was sufficient to make her stop eating, even though I was able to coax her out of it.

However, it's highly likely she won't do much maturing if she thinks the possibility of one day playing house with me is really high, given the current status quo. She needs to realize that life is not just a game, and it's not just some fairytale. We're both going to have to work to afford said house, and if we do have kids we're both going to have to be responsible for them, and it's going to be different from just watching kids at the group we volunteer with. Maybe we'll both have more room to grow separately.



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24 May 2016, 10:20 am

It might be a good idea to "track" it only so you can rationally see she is emotionally unstable. I always assumed all women were "moody" but I have been with my lady for a year and a half or so and she has never even raised her voice at me (and I am aware I can be difficult to live with at times!)

Your parents are correct: this girl has a lot of growing up to do and YOU CANNOT FIX HER! You have no idea how much I can relate to what you are writing: I was even around your age at the time as well. A word of warning: if you do decide to break it off (and I hope you do if what you say is accurate), people like this will resort to more and more desperate measures to keep you. First, it will be the sweet, kind, I have changed act and then if that doesn't work don't be shocked if the next step is threatening suicide. My brother also married a woman like this and I see the damage it does to him just like what drugs or alcohol can do to an addict.

I'm a bit moody myself and have a bit of a temper but that is NO excuse to yell at or mistreat my soon to be Wife.



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24 May 2016, 2:59 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
It might be a good idea to "track" it only so you can rationally see she is emotionally unstable. I always assumed all women were "moody" but I have been with my lady for a year and a half or so and she has never even raised her voice at me (and I am aware I can be difficult to live with at times!)

Your parents are correct: this girl has a lot of growing up to do and YOU CANNOT FIX HER! You have no idea how much I can relate to what you are writing: I was even around your age at the time as well. A word of warning: if you do decide to break it off (and I hope you do if what you say is accurate), people like this will resort to more and more desperate measures to keep you. First, it will be the sweet, kind, I have changed act and then if that doesn't work don't be shocked if the next step is threatening suicide. My brother also married a woman like this and I see the damage it does to him just like what drugs or alcohol can do to an addict.

I'm a bit moody myself and have a bit of a temper but that is NO excuse to yell at or mistreat my soon to be Wife.
Sounds about right, and the threatening suicide thing is what I'm afraid of. I'll have to think of the best time to break things off with her, and also where and how I plan to do it. I'm starting to recognize that our relationship isn't healthy, and yeah, she does always seem to rope me back in when I'm thinking of ending things. I'm starting to think that I'm better off being single than being in the kind of relationship I'm caught in. I don't think I'm with my ideal woman right now as I definitely want someone who can stand on her own two feet, and who won't try to guilt me into spending time with her. Thanks for your advice.



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24 May 2016, 8:17 pm

I think you should try to get her some physiological help for her depression & moodiness. You could also suggest that you two get couples counseling.


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Tross
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25 May 2016, 4:51 pm

nick007 wrote:
I think you should try to get her some physiological help for her depression & moodiness. You could also suggest that you two get couples counseling.
Well, we did what was supposed to be couple's counselling, but it just ended up being separate sessions where one of us talks about our past, and three ladies pray for us and fill us with God's spirit. I suppose that's a good thing but in my session we didn't even talk about my gf or the issues we're facing. I kind of want the type of counselling that deals with that. Psychological help might be what's needed here. I'm not sure if her parents will be interested in that, mind you. Perhaps time apart is what we need.



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30 May 2016, 6:42 am

Tross wrote:
Well, we did what was supposed to be couple's counselling, but it just ended up being separate sessions where one of us talks about our past, and three ladies pray for us and fill us with God's spirit. I suppose that's a good thing but in my session we didn't even talk about my gf or the issues we're facing. I kind of want the type of counselling that deals with that. Psychological help might be what's needed here. I'm not sure if her parents will be interested in that, mind you. Perhaps time apart is what we need.


I my experience, when I finally got her into counselling (it was like herding a cat) she was fine until the counsellor zoomed in on her: she then started acting a complete child and kept cancelling using the ridiculous excuses. Part of me is angry for wasting hundreds of $$$ but the other tells me that it helped me see the relationship had no future. I can only imagine the counsellor saying to himself "what an utter train wreck this couple is!! Why does he stay with her?" after we left.

Bottom line is that you are not her counsellor, mentor or rescuer and cannot fix her. It seems Aspie/geeky/nerdy guys tend to end up in these relationships at a very high rate. Going to couple's counselling made it clear that I wasn't crazy r unreasonable: she was literally incapable of being in a stable relationship and shouldered 80-90% of the blame for the mess we were in. Looking back as a much healthier person, I am amazed at the lengths I went through to try to make it work when it was obvious she was a child living in a young adult's body.

Quote:
I'm starting to think that I'm better off being single than being in the kind of relationship I'm caught in. I don't think I'm with my ideal woman right now as I definitely want someone who can stand on her own two feet, and who won't try to guilt me into spending time with her. Thanks for your advice.

Yes you are but I will warn you that it's NOT easy so don't get discouraged. It took me SIX tries to break up with the ex before I was able to get away from her and get this: after our downright nasty breakup I STILL spent time with her as a "friend". I once beat myself up over that but at least I can see other than her stalking my social media, I am completely free and clear of her for good!

I remember one time she was mercilessly guilting me for going to a sports event/party and looking back, anything that involved contact with other females. My brother's wife is the same way I just assumed all women are like that. I now know that is complete and utter BS. To recap, my lady now does not raise her voice to me and has never talked to me in a disrespectful tone, does not object (and actually enjoys the alone time) when I play sports, can stand on her own two feet, is financially very responsible and has a full time job. What's interesting is that she DOES have many of the same issues as the ex did but can actually handle them like a mature, responsible adult! These types of women do exist and I encourage you to set your bar as one of my coworkers said when they met my ex "a lot higher than it is right now!"



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30 May 2016, 2:48 pm

GiantHockeyFan is right. She's broke, you can't fix her, and the only future you would have with her is more of what's going on now, except it would be worse. Also keep in mind that if she were to threaten to hurt herself, you would have nothing to do with that. So don't except blame for anything she tries to put on you. My advice from past experience is RUN, as fast and as far away from her as you can get. And don't make - or accept - any excuses.



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30 May 2016, 3:04 pm

I've just read this thread so I only have a glimpse of what your girlfriend is like, and I'm not a psychologist so please take this suggestion with a lot of salt, but I wonder if it might be worth you reading about borderline personality disorder to see if your girlfriend fits the bill? It's a very common disorder. Aspie women tend to get misdiagnosed with it - it's something I looked into when I was trying to work out what was wrong with my brain (before realizing I'm autistic). The things you say about her hating to be alone, having dramas with people and being manipulative made me think of it. Unlike autism, it is a treatable condition but can only be diagnosed by a qualified psychologist.



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30 May 2016, 5:55 pm

@GiantHockeyFan and jvonhegner Thanks for the advice. I almost always have second thoughts about ending things when I'm with her as she's perfectly fine when I'm actually spending time with her, but she gets really needy when I'm not with her. Recently she has taken to getting quite insecure when I'm even so much as talking to other women, even though I'm only really just talking to them. One girl at our volunteer group just wanted us to add each other on Facebook in case she wants to invite me to group events and whatnot, and I'm sure she did the same with my gf, but my gf got in between us and said that I shouldn't add her on Facebook, right in front of her. She later apologized, but has said on more than one occasion since that she doesn't like when I talk to other women.

Of course I've told her to chill since it's not like I'm dating the girl I was talking to or have any intention to, and she also has a boyfriend so there was never even the slightest possibility of anything happening between us as we're literally just part of the same circle. I don't believe in doing anything of the sort behind the back of someone I'm currently with anyways. I fail to see any reason for insecurity on the part of my gf.

KateCoco wrote:
I've just read this thread so I only have a glimpse of what your girlfriend is like, and I'm not a psychologist so please take this suggestion with a lot of salt, but I wonder if it might be worth you reading about borderline personality disorder to see if your girlfriend fits the bill? It's a very common disorder. Aspie women tend to get misdiagnosed with it - it's something I looked into when I was trying to work out what was wrong with my brain (before realizing I'm autistic). The things you say about her hating to be alone, having dramas with people and being manipulative made me think of it. Unlike autism, it is a treatable condition but can only be diagnosed by a qualified psychologist.
I see. I'm unfamiliar with that disorder but I'll have to leave to look that up, thank you.



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30 May 2016, 8:07 pm

I was about to mention that this sounds like classic BPD but I see someone beat me to the punch. I am 100% sure my ex had BPD and was hiding the diagnosis from me and mental health experts have validated my experience as her 'highly likely' being Borderline.

To put it in layman's term, those with BPD are terrified of abandonment and will go to almost any length to avoid it. Irrational jealousy is also a major symptom and no, getting married or having a child or simply promising to never leave her will NOT abate these abandonment issues. They can also be highly impulsive and can turn good men (or women) crazy or into monsters.

As for your comment that she is fine when you are spending time with her: so was mine. We generally had a great time and shared the same interests... or so I thought at the time (she was probably doing a fair bit of pretending). It was only when I tried to assert my interests or independence that she got crazy. I never would have imaging haven't our version of a SWAT team showing up at my door thanks to her crazy behavior: her "normal phases" were why I stayed with her in the first place! With many BPD women, they can't tolerate calmness and will pick a fight or start drama if things are going too well. I held out hope that the 'calm' times would be permanent but they just got shorter and shorter, again typical BPD behavior.

I've written about this one at length on this site so I won't repeat myself any further. Bottom line: if she is BPD (and it sounds like it), chances are she will only get far worse as time goes on. My brother's wife, my aunt and possibly even my own mother likely have it as well so I know about it all too well: that's why I didn't run when she acted crazy the first time. Aspies tend to be magnets for these types of partners and I can only assume it's because of our relative inexperience and social naivety.