How soon do you tell somone about asd?

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, I feel like I am getting over my head. I have been single for over a year after being married for 15 years. So after a year I am feeling like I want a connection again. Since I avoid most social situations it is hard to meet ladies, so I joined a dating site and met with some success. I chatted with a girl and she got tired of waiting and ended up asking me out. We went out had a good time, she was nice. We went out again and we had a good time again, at the end of the date she hugged me. The hug both freaked me out and was pleasant at the same time.

Now I think she is indicating an increased physical relationship. I think. We are going to watch fireworks next friday then she sent a text "After the fireworks ... <a long string of emoticons here>" The long string of emoticons were winks, angels and some other ones I can't identify.

Now I do like the physical aspects of a relationship, thrive on them actually. But it takes me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable with a person to allow touching. Intimate touching is a whole lot longer. As a male it seems to be expected that I drive things towards the bedroom, but I would be happy waiting months or more for that. But I can't see her understanding that without some reason.

Do I tell her that I am an aspie and touching is hard for me? I don't want her to run for the hills I like her, she makes me laugh. It would be easier if I was a teenager when going slow was somewhat expected.

I would just explain it to her. I found in the past people have a certain view (often rainman) of what asd is. Just take time to explain that everyone woth asd is different and what your issues are.

That way she won't be guessing what asd problems you suffer with most and she will be less likely to freak out about it.

Often if you just be comfortable with admitting you have asd it makes other comfortable to. Let her ask questions about it so she can understand aswell

This is mostly from my own experience but I hope it helps you

Yes the portrayals on TV and movies are what pop into people's head. I for the most part have kept my diagnosis a secret, my parents don't know even. Though my parents do know 2 out of 3 of my boys are well on their way to being diagnosed.

So this would be a massive show of trust, and to protect myself I take a while to trust.

I am currently on the other side of this issue, and I would definitely want to know, so I could be aware of what his discomforts were, because personally, I wouldn't want to inadvertently cause my guy any undue stress by doing something that he was not comfortable with doing. I've thought about starting a topic about this, from this side of things. I can't speak for anyone else who's not on the spectrum, but I feel that when you love someone, or care for them, you would want to put their needs first, and make sure they are feeling safe, comfortable, cared for and loved. It's hard to completely do, if you don't know the whole story. I will give the example, the man I'm seeing won't bring it up, but I already know, though I don't know if he knows that I know. So, I'm afraid to bring up issues like the very ones you're dealing with, because he hasn't brought it up as of yet, however, I need to know, so I don't cause him undue stress by getting too physical or causing him sensory overload, unintentionally. If we know from the beginning what to avoid, it would be a lot easier. I do understand however, the fear that goes along with disclosing the information. If she likes you before, she should feel the same after, if she is a decent person!

The rule I go by is to tell them if they know you well enough that they won't change their perception of you in favor of a stereotype. When you are in a relationship then it's important to tell them about any disorders you might have at some point. In the relationship I have been in I didn't tell her at all until months after it ended, and although it's impending failure was inevitable on account of our incompatibility it probably would have gone a bit better and been less of a train wreck had she known. In this case I would recommend you tell her, although I'm no expert on dating and you know your situation better then I do. I wish you luck with your relationship!

If she is planning on <string of emoticons>; this is the time to explain.
You don't want to end up freezing up (or worse, melting down) when things get intimate becouse you aren't comfortable enough yet, and you also don't want to be seen as 'cold' for waiting too long without a real reason (like you said, as a man, you are 'supposed' to drive things to bed).
I would personally like to wait longer, untill i'm more comfortable, but it seems like this woman is forcing your hand.

I don't tell anybody ever, it's not something I really feel comfortable talking about period. Probably should work on that.

My experience is that bringing it into a conversation where the context isn't serious, or the emphasis isn't necessarily on yourself, helps to ease the process dramatically. How you do that is entirely subjective, but what I like to do is take an opportunity when a potential partner notices something quirky that I do (for instance, I put my index finger to my nose a lot when I'm concentrating on a conversation) and say something like "oh yeah, I have autism so I do silly things like that". The usual response is a curious "Really?", as opposed to something more judgmental.

So if at all possible, keep the initial revelation outside of a serious conversation. Doing so makes approaching the serious topics much easier, and will help her feel much more comfortable with them. However, if such a thing is not possible in the context of your relationship, I second izzeme's advice.

The wonderful lady I'm with found out after looking me up online. Some people would be annoyed by that but I was actually pretty happy about it, I don't like keeping secrets but it's difficult to tell somebody something that could lead to all sorts of assumptions, y'know? In the past I've generally been with people who have diagnosed ASD so telling them wasn't so much of a difficulty.

I was also on the other side of the equation. I found out right at the beginning and it wouldn't have been his preference to tell. It worked out for the best tho.

I'd always say "tell em" if they're NT. Gives the other person insight they wouldn't have had otherwise AND allows em to research n learn what ASD means, generally speaking, after which, they progress to learning your own uniqueness.

It's not so much about the withholding but the extra chance it gives any burgeoning friendships /relationships.

Jmo.

Thank you for the replies. So yeah the general consensus is tell early and soon. I need to come up with a way to do it. I suffer from social anxiety pretty badly so this whole thing is way outside of my comfort zone. After both dates I was completely drained, I had to lay on the couch and basically faze out for a couple hours.

For the most part this is uncharted territory for me, I don't know how I will react to things. I know I generally freeze up with platonic physical contact. I know even as much as I trusted my ex-wife I could not sleep in the same bed as her most nights, I had to sleep on the couch.

I know I have to tell, as not knowing is what destroyed my marriage. I just wanted to wait a while so that she could see who I am before preconceived notions take over. But was worried that wasn't practical.