I'm HFA and really terrified at the thought of having kids

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I am also HFA. I have four kids. I'm not going to tell anyone it's all unicorns and rainbows, because parenting has sh***y parts no matter how your brain is wired. If anyone says it doesn't, they're lying (or I want whatever meds they're taking).

By and large, though, I like being a mom. Nobody who knew me growing up thought I would; other than one young cousin who was a major challenge and thus my aunt was grateful for anyone who could take her off her hands for a little while, I completely avoided other peoples' kids. Everyone thought I hated them. Turns out I had a dirty little secret: I didn't hate kids, I was terrified of offending their parents.

Even after being a mom for fourteen years, I find it a lot easier to deal with my own kids. See, within the bounds of reason and common sense, I can deal with them basically on my own terms.

Having tactile/proximity issues?? I can ask them to sit beside me instead of on top of me, and no one (except maybe my MIL) is going to get upset about that. It's not neglectful to put your arm around a 3-year-old and let them cuddle into your side as opposed to letting them wallow all over you.

Having noise tolerance issues?? I can tell them that their yelling makes Mommy's head hurt so badly that I can't understand them, and that they have 3 choices: stop shouting, go outside, or Mommy will go to her room. OK, I have a 9-year-old with ADHD and sometimes have to repeat this instruction every three minutes until I get fed up and either take a Klonopin or actually go to my room, but... We survive.

Can't engage in imaginative play?? No big deal-- they have siblings and peers for that. They're just as happy to cook with me, or garden with me, or play board/card games (and my insistence on playing by the rules actually helps them learn flexibility, direction-following, and impulse control, which might be frustrating for a 3-year-old but is a skill they're going to need to have picked up by preschool age) or sit at the computer and carry on about some stupid video game while I iron shirts and make appreciative noises (which I was surprised to find turns into having real conversations and an actual relationship around the onset of puberty).

Bottom line-- I think in the West we make parenting too hard. You don't have to be everything to them, and you don't have to kiss their little asses (at least, not after they make it out of infancy-- yes, that first year when they are incredibly fragile and needy and the only way they can communicate is to cry and all the cries sound the same to you and they really can't be expected to even try to start learning to control anything pretty much sucks, but the good news is they're not real mobile and it's easy to get away from them if only for a few minutes at a time).

Lots of people have told me that I'm a sh***y mother. I used to worry about it, and even tried to conform my parenting to others' opinions (with disastrous results). I don't listen any more, because three out of my four are old enough for problems to become apparent to outsiders. And, other than the opinions of jerky relatives and as*holes at the playground, they're thriving by all the metrics that matter-- health, healthy behaviors, developmental milestones, social relationships as appropriate for their various diagnoses and temperaments, academic performance, behavior, the opinions of pediatricians, teachers, and developmental psychologists. At the end of the day, whether the kids are thriving or not is THE ONLY measure of me as a mother that matters.

I have a nearly two year old and didn't realise until after he was born that I am autistic. I don't plan to have another one. I do not regret having him but it has been really hard.

Actually I think motherhood in general is a lot harder than our society makes out, especially the first year. New mums are supposed to be blissfully happy and those who aren't are viewed as a minority (perhaps I'm wrong about this but it's my perception). In reality I believe most mums struggle in the first year.

The sleep deprivation is brutal and that with the stress and noise has caused many meltdowns.

My son screamed every time we went in the car for the first year of his life. I stopped driving but we would go in the car sometimes as a family and it was very hard for me.

Soon after his birth I felt I'd made a huge mistake. I don't anymore but it was hard.

I love my son and always wanted to be a mum. But I think as women we are told that motherhood will make us all happy, the pinnacle of our existence. And I just don't think it's true for all women. And if this is how you feel now, I would really listen to these doubts because you could well be right that you would be better off not having children.

I am happy to answer further questions and I wish you the best in your decision.

Hi, I'd like to offer you a point-of-view from the other side. I'm someone who never wanted children and who was always terrified of getting pregnant. And imagining having to breast-feed or change diapers with my sensory issues is pure horror.

I'm not a child-hater at all. On the contrary. I'm a teacher and I enjoy interacting with the kids. However, it's also extremely exhausting and I'm really glad every day that I can get away from the noise and the smells and the constant demands.

I also had the same experience that you had when I got married: Suddenly everyone asked me, "So when are you guys having your first child?" As I said I never wanted children, but the constant nagging got to me and I thought about it for a time and talked to my husband about it.

Unlike your husband, mine never wanted children. He told me that if I really wanted children, he would accept my decision and be there for them and me, but he'd rather go on just the two of us. We also discussed adoption - because I'm really afraid of a pregnancy - but found out that that wasn't what either of us really wanted.

I didn't give in to what my family wanted but stayed true to what I wanted: my own life without children. It's almost 10 years later now, I'm in my mid-forties and I've never for a moment regretted my decision to remain childfree - and I too have always believed that I would be a good mother (as my husband would be a great father) but I just don't want to be. Being a mother means for me that I would give up my life and I don't want to do that. I'm working full-time and hope to work part-time as soon as I can affort it because I need a lot of down- and alone-time to counterbalance the stress that my having to cope with my Asperger's in a social job is causing me. I just don't know when I would have time - and energy - for a child.

My advice to you is, find out what *you* really want and don't feel pressured into anything out of a feeling of duty or loyalty or whatever. It might also be useful for you to find out about how your support system would work if you had a child - who would help you? Who could take the child if you were close to an overload? etc.

Other than your spouse, NOBODY has the right to pressure you into having kids. NOBODY.

It's not going to grow in their body, or contain their DNA. They're not going to change its diapers, wipe it's nose, walk the floor with it, worry about it, fight homework wars with it, or spend the rest of their lives with part of their very being autonomously walking around outside of them over it. IT AIN'T UP TO THEM.

Even your parents don't get a vote, even if you're an only child and they're dying for grandkids. If they need to hold a baby that bad, I'm sure there are drug-addicted babies at the local hospital in need of someone to rock them thru withdrawals.

Your spouse only has that right at all because it is their life too, and they have chosen to share it with you, and so you are going to have to be part of discussing, and when you can honoring, their wants and needs.

But they have to honor, too, and it is also valid to decide that they'd rather have you happy than have kids, or that they've just got to be a parent and not having kids is a deal breaker.

I know you're asking for words from parents, and I'm not one... But I'll add my few cents for having "missed" out on it all, later in life. It really is optional. I can't imagine the mess I and my life would be if I had tried to go down the road of parenthood. I consider it one of the few graces of my life to have passed on that one - not for the selfish sense of having my stuff or my time, but for the sake of my sanity. I would be so full of regret if I had done anything wrong... which is inevitable in parenting. It just goes far beyond the noise and sensory issues with kids, and deeper into the ability to center or calm myself; I imagine I'd never have found any kind of grounding or base with them there.

I could go on but you get the idea. The only downside I can imagine is that I will miss having "kids to take care of me" when I'm even older, but that's never a given anyway. I thank my stars that I made it this far child-free.

Thanks for this thread guys.

I'm an aspie male and my wife is currently pregnant. It's the finality of it all that worries me. There's no opt out after a few weeks if you realise it's not for you. You're a parent for the rest of your life whether you like it or not.

I would be very happy not to have kids, but my wife is really keen. I worry that I won't ever get any down-time to recharge.

i had a child prior to being diagnosed. i never really wanted kids but felt like it was you were supposed to do to be normal. i cant say that i regret it. he may be the only real love i have felt. however it increased my stress levels: financial, change in relationship with spouse, lack of sleep, insecurity of being a good father, and generally not knowing what to do. this increase in stress definitely worsened my hfa traits as i was only able to handle so many things before loosing my compensation abilities. now the increased traits have led to the demise of my marriage.

knowing what i know now, i would not have not had children along many other decisions in my life that added stress and complexity.

moral of the story is really evaluate your abilities to take on more and follow your heart.

cheers

I know it has been a year, but I saw this and wanted to comment.

First, after 30 fertility begins to fall, so it might be a moot point for you.

Second, I found my own children are not as difficult as other people's children. Sound cancelling headphones are a must, and I found, once I adjusted, that one child can be fun. Lining up a good sitter and a good daycare is helpful.

I found the hormones from breastfeeding were rather pleasant. I found the breast pumping routine when at the University was not so bad. I just had to make sure everything was marked, and I carried a cooler with freezer blocks, and use the snack room refrigerator to hold the milk until heading home. If you have your own office, you might be able to do a dorm refrigerator and keep it where nobody else will be touching it. The baby did fine switching from a bottle with a nipple system that mimics the breast, and me. Night feedings are SO much easier on the breast.

Hubby does a LOT of parenting. The parent who most wants to have a child should go to parenting classes and make deliberate preparation for being the primary attachment for the baby.

Baby wearing made life easier for the kid who needed lots of contact. Another did better in a portable playpen at my desk where she could see, hear and touch me. Which meant she felt connected and played with her toys totally ignoring me. Either one frees up hands for the keyboard.

If you hug until the kid pushes you away, they will leave you alone longer.

If you can listen to the baby babble with eye contact, they are happy and go play again--faster.

A good day care is your friend.

If you play music you like close to your belly, the child may come out liking it-- or will kick you until you change the music. I had one who liked classical and country but would kick like mad at rock. My youngest will fall asleep happily to March of the Varangian Guard which is rock--hard rock-- and for some reason that kid finds it soothing.

Mine range in age from 29 down to 2. There is a huge gap between the first two and the three younger. It is not easy. The noise can be horrific. The undoing of organized places is horrible. But a few locking cabinets help greatly.

I found two easier than one. They bothered each other preferentially.

A routine for hugs and cuddles makes the contact easier. Mine know I am ok to hug mornings after the coffee, but by noon it is best to ASK.

I teach mine to recite, "my mother is not my fault." to help them cope when I am over-done and need space.

I think being terrified is a reasonable reaction. We wanted all of ours and that many is not for anyone who isn't really determined that they want to suffer through because they want kids. Not easy, and I am sure they will have their share of issues. (my 26 yr old got mad at me when she was a teen because I would not ground her-- I don't do punishments that require me to remember that they are being punished-- so I told her "OK, how long do you need? Be sure to tell me when you are done grounding, and remind me in between so I don't schedule anything for you." That really pissed her off and I'm still not sure why.) The five yr old has been walking up and waiting to be noticed since age three, upon being acknowledged he will formally request a hug. Hugs are then exchanged. When he pushes away, he thanks me and goes off to entertain himself-- fascinating!

I guess part of my point is that as he really wants a kid and you are not thrilled at the idea is the question of whether or not he will be wiling to function as a single parent and minimize the impact of a child on your routines if you are willing to do pregnancy and childbirth and pump the milk for the little person. Is he the sort of dependable person who will follow through, no matter how difficult it proves to be, on being the primary parent? If he is, then it might be possible for you to enjoy the infant knowing that the moment you are done, he will instantly take over. You might still need to do more than you want to give him a break when he is unwell or exhausted, but he should be determined to hold up his end no matter how difficult. When there is a disparity of desire, there needs to be division of labor that prevents resentment on the parent who is less interested.

Oh, and menopause has been awesome!

Don't torture yourself with worry about whether or not you should have kids. You've already made up your mind.

Try not to worry about nosey people expecting you to have kids. Just tell them clearly and decisively that you won't have kids.

Don't tell them why you won't have kids because you don't have to justify your decisions.

Edit: Woah, I didn't realise this thread was more than a year old.