I'm HFA and really terrified at the thought of having kids

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Hi folks,

I'm married (4 years now) and hit my 30s this year. I have a HFA diagnosis.

I've been stressing about the prospect of having/raising children for a very long time. It became more of a big deal once I got married, and also this year when I reached 30. Once we married, suddenly the whole world thought it was ok to nosily ask me 'when' we were going to have kids , and with the 30 thing, psychologically it just feels as though you've entered 'that' decade... the one where you have to pop one out or face being too late.

Not only do I not feel ready for it, but I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for it. I don't mean children any harm, but I am highly sensitive to noise and fairly introverted. My home is my haven, and the prospect of it being filled with shrieking, chaotic persons, constantly creating mess and needing constant attention is truly terrifying. I have a fat badass set of overhead earphones in order to cope with other peoples' children on public transport. When I see small kids, I change my route/find a different carriage to sit in, etc.

There's also the fact that I've never been able to relate to people younger than me. As a kid, I always hung out with people much older than me and never felt at home around my peers... particularly not when they were doing 'childish' things otherwise known as 'having fun' Heck I even feel awkward around my younger cousins in their 20s... somehow I rationally know they're adults, but having seen them when they were in diapers wrong-foots me and I can't relax around them. When people hand me a baby I'm like 'oh that's nice' with a forced smile on my face.

Then there's also the career thing... I'm finishing my PhD right now, and have a job lined up for next year. I know I'll always need to work just because I'm only happy when I'm hard at work on something I care about. I can't imagine not being frustrated, both with my performance as a parent and also with my progress in the workplace, if I were in a situation of juggling both career and child rearing. Also I'm very easily drained and exhausted by things, I think more than 'normal' people... and I get chronic migraines from stress and sensory overload. So the thought makes me fear that I'd be consigning myself to a life of constant exhaustion.

I'm also scared of how I'd cope if my child had a disability. There's a lot of autism in my family. Most of us are high functioning, but one of my cousins has low functioning autism (this also adds pressure, because the longer you wait to have children the higher the risk becomes).

My husband is a truly wonderful man, and he doesn't have any expectations of me. But he does have a deep desire to have a child. I think if someone really wants to be a parent, then it's a real tragedy if they can't be, so even though nobody is forcing me, I still feel as though it has to happen somehow.

I'd be interested to hear from parents on the autistic spectrum, and your experiences of raising children. Have you found it as bad as it seems to me? How do you deal with the noise? How do you balance it with your careers?

Yes, it is as bad as it seems. I use earplugs everyday. If you have a PhD, you can probably afford child care or just let your husband stay home and deal with the kid. There is a lot of anguish, everything gets trashed, smells of poop, and the crazy screaming fills the house. The lack of sleep hurts.

There are also moments of pure, incredible, delight. It wakes up forgotten feelings of growing and discovering being alive on Earth. And sometimes, joyful, pure laughter fills the house.

It is both the worst and greatest thing I have done in my life. I have only been at it 2.5 years. They keep saying it gets better.


"True rewards are ever in proportion to the labor and sacrafices made." -Nikola Tesla

At the time, I didn't know I had Asperger's, and I didn't know my children had it. But they were not typically noisy, nor the house chaotic. You can train children to be respectful of the home atmosphere (if you want to run and yell, do it outside) just like you can train them to wait until after breakfast to go into the living room on Christmas morning. 18 years flies by pretty quickly, and afterwards, unless they end up in jail, you probably will not regret having at least one.

Have you discussed this with your husband?

What if you adopted a child of a few years of age? That would bypass you needing to take any time off for materinity, it would satisfy your husbands need for a child, he could be at stay at home parent because it's 2016 and gender roles don't matter, you could pursue your career, you could avoid the age where the child would make the most noise(babies), all while giving a child a much needed home and loving parents.

I can relate. I know persons who did choose NOT to have kids. It is perfectly OK to recognize that you make a great aunt, but would not make a great mom.

I am sound sensitive too. Yet my own infants were not quite as bad as other noises-- but unless the mom-hormones kick in hard, it could have been torture. I learned to type computer one handed with a happy baby on the breast. They are very quiet nursing, and the nursing hormones are great. I find that I am more bonded to the babies I breastfed longest. Even when doing school, I breastfed when home, and pumped enough to cover their needs when I was not there, and it worked out.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed, put on my noise blocking earphones and my husband takes the kids outside to play and give me some much needed silence. I like them much better once I've had my needed quiet.

I have not regretted having mine. My oldest and I spent a couple of hours last week playing Ingress together and chatting. He is a nice adult.

It is always a risk, but by choosing parenting methods that included always meeting needs quickly, I found I could turn off the crying faster all the time--- diaper--feed--diaper.... if nothing pleased them, on the breast they went. If that didn't, there was the baby swing, I had one who was silent and content when swinging softly in the electric baby swing.

Breast feeding was essential for me because there was no lag time between baby waking up hungry and the food being ready. I cannot think how I could have handled trying to prepare a bottle while the baby cried--oh no, I could see myself under the kitchen table babbling (an exaggeration, I find by giving myself a mental image of my meltdown that was amusing to me, that it makes it less anxiety causing to consider it and how to avoid it).

But you and your husband are the experts on your own situation.

My older daughter says she dislikes the baby stage but once they are past it, she likes her kids a whole lot. She and her husband plan to foster to adopt toddlers if they decide to add to their family. That is a different set of issues, and challenges, and might not be right for someone else.

Are you church goers? You might be able to sit in the nursery on Sundays for awhile, with and without your hearing protection, and test out your ability to adapt. Exposure to what worries you might help. Go sit at the park on Saturday when it is filled with children, and let yourself become familiar with their sorts of uniquenesses.

Take your husband sometimes too. Ask him what he likes about the thought of having children. Is he prepared to be the primary caregiver? My husband takes his kids and spends lots of time with them to give me long swaths of time to think, read, work, and be quiet. My office is blessedly quiet at home. One and Two kids were hard, by the third, the kids started entertaining each other really well, so three and up have not been so difficult but I think I spent more time talking to my oldest than I do the younger ones.

They keep saying it gets better. Yeah, and then they become teenagers.

But it will get better. When they become 18 and move out of the house (hopefully).

Good post, Susan. At least you are in touch with your thought process on this. It is tough in your 30s when others constantly nag you about having kids. I've come to realize that while I love children, I definitely don't want any due to the sensory overload. I can deal in small doses, and like the kids I see at work, but more than that would just be too much. Bad for them and bad for me! And the sensory holocaust I endured from my ex was more than enough of that kind of thing.

something I didn't see in this thread till now: role of the grand parents
in our case: my ASD-mom is not any help, and parents of my wife are 800 miles away, but if you have them nearby they can help A LOT, taking care of the kids few days a week
what might also be helpful is taking a long maternity leave, good planning, etc
there are a lot of practical solutions, don't waist the moment and think, when hitting 40, "what if I had. ."

being allergic to sensory overload, I like to do with my daughters low sensitory things as sitting at the table and making drawings, walking in the park and feeding the ducks

Hi Susan,

After reading your post I could truly relate to how you are feeling...here is what I would like to share as someone that has felt as you do now and has actually turned down the parenting road. My 6 yr old son was dx'ed with HFA last month, and I am in the process of seeking an official dx for myself. So basically for the past 6 years my wife and I have been in a constant churn. In retrospect I did not know that what I was suffering from was AS but (nor my son for that matter) but imagine all the things that you fear about having a child and then live those fears most every day. For years I have been saying that there is no way that parenting can be this hard, but in reality it has been. My younger son (3.5 yrs) has a rare disease called F.P.I.E.S (Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome) and shows some signs that he might be on the spectrum as well and that has all added to the mix and stress of things.

Raising these two boys has by far been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do; emotionally and physically. The reality of my environment is chaotic. If not from the two little ones having a go at each other, then just the fact that there are three other people I have to share the space with. Order is a long lost dream. I have woken up almost every morning to one my kids crying, or crying out for Mom; most days I am stressed and deregulated before my feet even hit the floor. For me, my environment has been a trigger for my depression, and it has all become a vicious cycle. Luckily for my wife and I we have had the resources to seek professional help for ourselves, and both of our children. I am grateful that we know about my son early on, so that we can try and put into place a good framework for him to be able to navigate his life. As for me, I am glad to know why my life has been so challenging and am making decisions to hopefully make what's left of it more enjoyable.

Would parenting for me been any easier if my son was NT? Probably for the day to day stuff, because I cannot honestly imagine my home life being any more chaotic than it has been for the last 6 years. Having AS myself though, I still think connecting would have been difficult, as it is now. I know it would be a lot easier on my wife. She is NT with GAD, so you can imagine one less person the spectrum to contend with would have probably been welcomed.

If there is a silver lining in all of this...I would have to say once we get past the formative years (because I feel I have been and will continue to be 3 steps behind) I do think that I will be very well suited to be a good parent to both boys. If my younger one falls on the spectrum at some point...well he'll be in good company. At least at that point in the parenting journey I will be able to share my ups and downs with hopes that they can learn from it and avoid a lot of what I have had to endure.

In closing here...would I have ever chosen this set of circumstances...no, they truly are my worst nightmare. As my wife and I call it "the perfect storm" Regardless of what I would have chosen this is my reality and the good news is that this reality can always be influenced in a positive way. With that said, the Aspie side of me longs for my old life back, where things were where I left them, I could spend my time as I wanted, I didn't have to defend my personal space, I didn't have to wear headphones around the house, and I could have an enjoyable dinner out. (just to name a few) It honestly has brought my wife and I to the brink, and we are still there, reading, researching and reaching out with hopes of surviving it all. At the end of the day, you know yourself best. I think people that fear having children have that fear for a reason. I know for me it was a gut feeling, something that I always new did not appeal to me. But then life happens (literally and figuratively) and your in it. At 30, you have time to figure it out. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot with getting your PhD I can imagine that will keep you busy settling into whatever your chosen field is. All the best and Kind Regards.