add your parenting advice for AS parents

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...long or brief...

Try to be zen. (I think that's an oxymoron.)

Don't sweat the small stuff. One moment a time. Children grow up in spite of their parents so be a parent but have some fun and enjoy them while you can.

I am ADD with social anxiety and shadows of AS. Two of my teen sons are AS, one teen son is NT and 6 year old daughter is ADD with AS shadows. My husband is AS, as well. If anything I've learned to be tough when I need to, laugh ALOT at myself and my family, and to take care of myself because "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Oh, and a good cry every now and then has never hurt anyone.
Remember we are all here for more or less the same reason, support and understanding!

I think that I was WAY too strict. I would advice, lighten up, use the phrase, "Will this matter in ten years?" a lot.

yeah, the 10, 10, rule.

will this matter in 10 minutes
and
will this matter in 10 years?


and you make your plans accordingly

I've said this time and again to some younger parents I know. They get so...I don't know...Frazzled over nothing (IMO).

Example: A few years ago, one young mother I know was freaking out because her little girl left her Barbie over at my house (there's a bit more to the story, but I won't bore you). Just freaked out, was threatening to ground her, just completely unwarranted scolding involved there. I told her "don't sweat the small stuff, because believe me, when your kids get older, you'll look back on this day and WISH you had such insignificant problems." Also, NT's, in my experience, tend to care WAY too much about their children's friendships, get over-involved in normal kid spats or butt in on silly, everyday kid-to-kid exchanges. Why get all worked up over who called whom a peepee head?

They will probably do fine despite you.

I've been ridden with doubts and guilt and now that one is becoming a mature, happy adult that I like to be with, I am feeling loads better about my parenting.

sometimes just ask yourself, is this (what the kid is doing or wants to do)
1. dangerous to persons
2. danderous to property
3. morally dangerous

if no, no, no .... what's the big deal?

I usually take a longer view...

According to current cosmological theory, our sun has about eight billion more years on the Main Sequence, then it'll use up its hydrogen fuel, begin fusing helium, and expand into a red giant, whose surface will probably encompass the orbit of this planet.

When that happens, do you think that somewhere on the cinder that was Earth, some remote descendant of mankind will still be thinking about whatever that issue was today?

It's gotten me past a lot of things my daughter's done to satisfy her texture needs (although sugar's still damn hard to vacuum out of a medium-pile carpet - just happy we don't have roaches here!).

Despite and in spite of mean the exact same thing, one is just wordier than the other.
In Canada we tend do use in spite of.

In a nutshell, that's perfect!

I would add, as an aspie though, if your kids are in a public place and they're screaming, remove them immediately. Other than that, follow BM's advice.

Yes, yes, yes, to all of this. I think the other thing is to emphasize that just because your kid is not a social butterfly, please consider--is she okay with that?

Not everyone gets the same thing out of socializing as others. Hamster, what you said in spades. I'd say also--quit micro-analyzing everything! Stay out of your kid's way if they are coping well. And if they are odd, celebrate it! Your kid is unique!

Everyone's getting this in a nutshell. Maybe the AS parents should do a parenting book for NT parents of AS kids.

Rjaye, watergirl for the Aspie Stim Team

I was too friendly, and not strict enough. Which is a tad ironic because my daughter 'L' went into the navy, and has to follow orders all day long. Some day she'll forgive me, and actually get in touch ...

I absolutely hated it when my teachers in elementary and middle school would complain to my parents that I didn't socialize enough with the other kids. Made me feel *wrong*. I used to wonder what the big deal was. So what if I kept to myself? What's the damn harm?

My Aspie daughter doesn't have many friends, but the ones she does have, she tires of quickly. She will make excuses not to oblige a get-together, or says to me "Mom, I couldn't WAIT until Lisa left -- she was getting on my nerves!" I SO get that.

But she will also sometimes say that she feels badly about not having a lot of friends, like her two sisters do, and that makes my heart hurt a little.

There is a parenting book for NT parents written by a man With AS. It is called the, "Everything Parent's Guide to Children With Asperger's Syndrome: Help, Hope and Guidance", By William Stillman. It is a very straight forward, common sense, sometimes humorous look at literally everything. There are chapters on defining Asperger's Syndrome, positive perspectives, seeking diagnosis, discipline, communication, physical health, m,ental health, passions, family dynamics, fostering relationships, educational programming, school related issues, extracurricular activities, significant transitions and changes, travelling and vacations, sexuality, strategies of lifelong value, employment, transitioning to adulthood, understanding law and justice, and the rewards of being as Asperger's parent. And it is all written with the individual AS child in mind. I have many AS shadows myself but the perspective of an adult Aspie was an eye opener.

I recommend this book to everyone who is involved with an AS child!!

my children are only ten and twelve so i can't look back on it yet...

i know i have obsessed a lot over several things, don't know whether that's a good thing or whether i'll regret it later,
my husband doesn't have the same idea about lots of things (like daily food, when to have a bath, how many hours sleep, etc, we just don't agree) sometimes i leave it to him, and sometimes i fight over it.

the more important things we agree mostly (going somewhere, spending money, what to do when they are ill, etc)
mostly i seem to do better with aspie-son and my husband with nt-daughter, although we both have a tide bond with the other one too.
still we do have a fight sometimes, aspie-obsessions especially difficult when opposed, daughter and husband are furies sometimes,

don't know, maybe i need advice more than giving it ...

in general i think we're doing alright (but we might resemble more the Adams than any regular family, it's never boring that's for sure ... )

.
Post edit here... I'm certain that I qualify for entrance into Dino land, but I'm still parenting, so will move my chat of advice to the Parenting forum... more edit below this...

More post edit:

I've been a struggling parent for years... Though now am somewhat relaxed knowing the reasons behind some of our family’s behaviors.

"Somewhat" meaning: They are teenagers now and how can ANYONE relax around the activities of intelligent, precocious, "in-your-face" debaters...

WE sort-of operate under Montessori principles with structure (Oxymoron?)...

They are bold around home and will share anything, well, almost, I need "more" sharing about the new potential boyfriend I just heard of . They tell me that they are shy outside and at school... Another oxymoron of personality...

My kids have two "worlds" that they live in: one at home, the other off at Public school. Home is safe, a place to express themselves without judgment. As in allowed color choices when it comes to painting their rooms, stapling pictures to the wall (The whole wall!?), and sometimes painting mine, graphically... more on this later...

Frustrates me to see them try to fit in -- Dumb themselves down. Don’t allow this to happen simply because he lacks friends. Perhaps better to try someway to let him know friends will come later, Hah! When the friends catch-up... IMO...

It has been a “long road” to “teenager”... I wish I knew then what I know now...

I would have put more effort into seeking alternatives in education such as home schooling and private school...

Think I’ll hang out in the parenting forum for a while...

Regards, Beammeup