Page 1 of 5 [ 77 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

18 Jul 2016, 6:40 pm

Chronos wrote:

I understand though that you wish you had a more typical high school experience.


I missed out on the psychosocial moratorium because of that. It feels like there's a cut off in social development if you miss it.

Chronos wrote:

Is this the same Texas bible belt area that decided to build a $65 million high school football stadium? I don't know that that is a culture I would care to conform to. As far as low self esteem goes, you might feel badly about yourself, but no one knows it unless you communicate that to them. For all anyone knows, you could be the most self secure person in the world. It's not like humans have any physical traits that determine a person's social rank.


I abhor handegg so I don't know if it's true but I wouldn't doubt it due to this culture's obsession with the sport. I have told others my self-esteem is low and they tend to say things like "Quit making yourself sad!" like it's a choice.

Chronos wrote:

Do you hit these dead ends for the same reason or different reasons?



I've tried different things and hoped they would turn out differently but I keep getting zilch. It reinforces how I feel like there is a cut off age in social development.

Chronos wrote:

At this point in your social development, I wouldn't focus on asking girls out. I would focus on just becoming comfortable with talking to people, both males and females, developing your social skills, and overcoming your social anxiety.


It's hard for me to not think about not having a girlfriend. It's one of the core reasons I am depressed and it gets reinforced whenever I see couples nearly everywhere I go. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me and why can't I have the same? It also feels like due to missing out on the psychosocial moratorium, my social skills can't develop anymore.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

20 Jul 2016, 1:23 am

Marknis wrote:
Chronos wrote:

I understand though that you wish you had a more typical high school experience.


I missed out on the psychosocial moratorium because of that. It feels like there's a cut off in social development if you miss it.

Chronos wrote:

Is this the same Texas bible belt area that decided to build a $65 million high school football stadium? I don't know that that is a culture I would care to conform to. As far as low self esteem goes, you might feel badly about yourself, but no one knows it unless you communicate that to them. For all anyone knows, you could be the most self secure person in the world. It's not like humans have any physical traits that determine a person's social rank.


I abhor handegg so I don't know if it's true but I wouldn't doubt it due to this culture's obsession with the sport. I have told others my self-esteem is low and they tend to say things like "Quit making yourself sad!" like it's a choice.

Chronos wrote:

Do you hit these dead ends for the same reason or different reasons?



I've tried different things and hoped they would turn out differently but I keep getting zilch. It reinforces how I feel like there is a cut off age in social development.

Chronos wrote:

At this point in your social development, I wouldn't focus on asking girls out. I would focus on just becoming comfortable with talking to people, both males and females, developing your social skills, and overcoming your social anxiety.


It's hard for me to not think about not having a girlfriend. It's one of the core reasons I am depressed and it gets reinforced whenever I see couples nearly everywhere I go. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me and why can't I have the same? It also feels like due to missing out on the psychosocial moratorium, my social skills can't develop anymore.


Social skills may seem like this enigmatic thing based in nothing concrete, but this is not the case. There are rules and algorithms. Most NTs are not consciously aware that they are running a social code, but they are. Those of us on the spectrum might not come with that social code, but with some effort, we can backwards engineer it by taking an analytical approach to socialization.

I first started to learn how to socialize in chat rooms with a population of regular users. This allowed me to see how other people thought, and interact with them in an environment which was more simplistic than everyday life, which has the added variable of non verbal communication, which I was not yet at a level to master. I then became interested in artificial intelligence, and began writing chatbots with the aim of passing the Turning Test. This forced me to start thinking of how other people perceive situations, and would react in them. At the same time, I also developed an interest in creative writing. This further forced me to imagine how other people act and react in various social situations. I eventually was able to work out a few basic rules of socialization, and build on that to the point that I can socialize at a fairly NT level. It took many years to get to this point, and my social skills are still developing to this day. In most people, even NTs, evolve in their social skills well into adulthood. For example, your average NT 20 something year old is not finished developing socially.

Top give you an example, you might have read recently in the news...or maybe not, a bunch of 20 something year old interns were discontent with their employers dress code, which mandated they wear formal business attire, including business shoes. There was one person in the office who worse sneakers, and the interns thought this was unfair. The way they chose to handle it, was they all signed a petition demanding their employer relax the dress code policy, and declaring that they should be able to wear sneakers just like the one employee who worse sneakers.

Well of course they were fired, and most older adults are socially developed enough to tell you why. These kids didn't have the social insight to know how to properly approach their boss on changes they would like to be made in the office. They chose to approach their employer in a confrontational manner, as if their employer was their adversary, and made demands they were not entitled to make, and had no leverage to wager with. All in all, they were extremely rude and unprofessional.

An older person would probably have more social know how in this situation, and choose to approach it in a non-confrontational manner. For example, he or she might have gone to the boss and said "Excuse me, Jim, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something when you have a moment." And then when Jim had a moment, the employee might say "I noticed (employee name) wear sneakers instead of dress shoes, as the company dress code mandates, and the other employees and I wanted to pitch the idea of relaxing the company dress code so we could all wear more casual shoes,"

Now if you were the employers, how would you want to be approached on this matter? Most people would prefer the latter approach because no one likes to be attacked or have demands made of them by people who were not in a position to make them.

By the way, as it turns out, the one employee who worse sneakers did so because she had a prosthetic leg which was designed to be used with particular sneakers, so was unable to wear dress shoes.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

22 Jul 2016, 8:46 am

A lot of NTs I encounter tend to be immature and boring to talk to. Their topics of conversation are usually about getting drunk, smoking, tattoos, cars, football, how they did or didn't "get some" from their girlfriend last night, babbling about politics when they don't know what they are talking about, country music and songs by Rucka Rucka Ali.

It's truly mind numbing being around them because you'll try to bring up something truly interesting to talk about but they'll shrug it off and just only talk about what they want. It also makes me feel like unless I become anti-intellectul that I'll never find new friends or a girlfriend. The Bible Belt culture does not encourage individuality, only conformity. I want to be an individual but whenever some Bible Belt moron hounds me about how I need to be a Christian, I never know what to tell them to make them stop.



DancingCorpse
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 12 Dec 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,532

22 Jul 2016, 12:32 pm

I struggled viciously with this for many years, I still go through enormously draining currents and buffeting trying to compare myself to other folk but it's not fair on myself nor is it logical, my life's been profoundly affected by the conditions I have and I gave everything to get somewhere, the milestones I affix to my horizon are much different in scale and meaning to the general idea of what ''milestones'' oughta be, that's how I've approached it, even being able to go for a hike or meet with my support worker are grandiose milestones to me on a short scale, milestones differ depending on what you've been through to move toward and pass them.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

22 Jul 2016, 11:26 pm

Are you saying even baby steps can be victories?



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

23 Jul 2016, 12:11 am

Marknis wrote:
A lot of NTs I encounter tend to be immature and boring to talk to. Their topics of conversation are usually about getting drunk, smoking, tattoos, cars, football, how they did or didn't "get some" from their girlfriend last night, babbling about politics when they don't know what they are talking about, country music and songs by Rucka Rucka Ali.

It's truly mind numbing being around them because you'll try to bring up something truly interesting to talk about but they'll shrug it off and just only talk about what they want. It also makes me feel like unless I become anti-intellectul that I'll never find new friends or a girlfriend. The Bible Belt culture does not encourage individuality, only conformity. I want to be an individual but whenever some Bible Belt moron hounds me about how I need to be a Christian, I never know what to tell them to make them stop.


It sounds like you need to be in a more metropolitan or progressive area or environment. I used to have difficulty finding people to have good conversations with until I went off to university.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,605
Location: the island of defective toy santas

23 Jul 2016, 12:36 am

it took me 5+ decades to learn this simple factoid- the most important thing needed to find some peace in this life, is to first get rid of the ANTS- Automatic Negative Thoughts. I read in a book about how to fix depression sans drugs, the author [sorry, forgot the name of the book and the author, this was before the WWW] said that the human brain can't hold more than one discrete thought in working memory at any given time- so if one is feeling unhappy, it was a matter to get in the habit of shoving the bad thought out of the way with another thought, ANY other thought, all that was required was to rudely superimpose this new thought on top of the old thought, and the old thought goes away, at least for a bit. sometimes one has to "whack a mole" the old thoughts with a bunch of new thoughts, it can take work, rather like repeatedly weeding a garden but eventually the old bad thought like the weeds come back weaker and weaker until finally they don't bother. at least in my case, it was possible to suppress the bad old thoughts long enough to get my head on straight and figure out what I want to do. once one is not sad, things look clearer and things seem less forbidding, more hopeful. YMMV. :idea:



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

23 Jul 2016, 1:26 am

auntblabby wrote:
it took me 5+ decades to learn this simple factoid- the most important thing needed to find some peace in this life, is to first get rid of the ANTS- Automatic Negative Thoughts. I read in a book about how to fix depression sans drugs, the author [sorry, forgot the name of the book and the author, this was before the WWW] said that the human brain can't hold more than one discrete thought in working memory at any given time- so if one is feeling unhappy, it was a matter to get in the habit of shoving the bad thought out of the way with another thought, ANY other thought, all that was required was to rudely superimpose this new thought on top of the old thought, and the old thought goes away, at least for a bit. sometimes one has to "whack a mole" the old thoughts with a bunch of new thoughts, it can take work, rather like repeatedly weeding a garden but eventually the old bad thought like the weeds come back weaker and weaker until finally they don't bother. at least in my case, it was possible to suppress the bad old thoughts long enough to get my head on straight and figure out what I want to do. once one is not sad, things look clearer and things seem less forbidding, more hopeful. YMMV. :idea:


That's very good advice. It's true that the longer one dwells on a particular thought, the more embedded the emotions associated with that thought becomes, because the stronger the synaptic connections grow. However those connections are also capable of atrophying or being trimmed completely of the circuitry falls out of use.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,605
Location: the island of defective toy santas

23 Jul 2016, 1:36 am

I wish i'd have been able to learn it when it most mattered, in my teens and 20s. decades down the drain.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

23 Jul 2016, 1:57 am

auntblabby wrote:
I wish i'd have been able to learn it when it most mattered, in my teens and 20s. decades down the drain.


Sometimes I too wish that I did things differently in those decades. However I then remember that I was not at a place, mentally, emotionally, or physically where I could have done things differently, and what, in the present time, I would have liked for myself in the past, in the past, it would have been the wrong thing for me, and a source of misery.

It has become common practice to use the word "delay" to imply a static, rather than dynamic state, due to the term "retardation" having become politically incorrect, but those of us on the spectrum seem to suffer actual social delays instead of social retardation, and develop socially in our own time, if maybe a bit later than others.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,605
Location: the island of defective toy santas

23 Jul 2016, 2:02 am

Chronos wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I wish i'd have been able to learn it when it most mattered, in my teens and 20s. decades down the drain.


Sometimes I too wish that I did things differently in those decades. However I then remember that I was not at a place, mentally, emotionally, or physically where I could have done things differently, and what, in the present time, I would have liked for myself in the past, in the past, it would have been the wrong thing for me, and a source of misery.
It has become common practice to use the word "delay" to imply a static, rather than dynamic state, due to the term "retardation" having become politically incorrect, but those of us on the spectrum seem to suffer actual social delays instead of social retardation, and develop socially in our own time, if maybe a bit later than others.

I've never really developed socially, but I've learned some semi-convenient workarounds that will keep me out of major trouble long enough to make a clean escape. :ninja:



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

25 Jul 2016, 12:23 pm

I feel the same as you, career-wise. I still don't know what I want to do, and I lack confidence in getting into anything, so I am just stuck at a part-time job as a cleaner at a care home, which is not really what I want to do. I am bored there, it's too demanding for what it is, and it's low-paid. I just want to do something different, but I'm not sure what. It's so difficult because I want to move in with my partner, who lives 25 miles away from where I currently live and work, but I can't leave my job until I have another one but I can't live with him and work where I do now because the travelling will be too much. When I ask for advice on helplines about my situation, they don't seem to take me seriously. I could tell they're thinking ''stop wasting our time with your stupid little love-life, and come back when you have real problems!'' But it's more to it than that. I am 26, and because I can't find another job, I am still living with my parents, and I want to move in with my partner and be independent. Life is ticking away quickly, and I want to move in with my partner and get married. But for me, finding a job is so hard. I do have experience in different things, but employers still don't want to know. I really can't see myself getting a new job any time soon.


_________________
Female


Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

12 Aug 2016, 1:29 pm

Chronos wrote:
Marknis wrote:
A lot of NTs I encounter tend to be immature and boring to talk to. Their topics of conversation are usually about getting drunk, smoking, tattoos, cars, football, how they did or didn't "get some" from their girlfriend last night, babbling about politics when they don't know what they are talking about, country music and songs by Rucka Rucka Ali.

It's truly mind numbing being around them because you'll try to bring up something truly interesting to talk about but they'll shrug it off and just only talk about what they want. It also makes me feel like unless I become anti-intellectul that I'll never find new friends or a girlfriend. The Bible Belt culture does not encourage individuality, only conformity. I want to be an individual but whenever some Bible Belt moron hounds me about how I need to be a Christian, I never know what to tell them to make them stop.


It sounds like you need to be in a more metropolitan or progressive area or environment. I used to have difficulty finding people to have good conversations with until I went off to university.


I would definitely move out of my mother's house if I could. I feel more at home in a place like Austin. A girl there even let me friend her on facebook there.

I guess I just need to figure out how to not self-destruct before I can go into the next chapter of my life.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

13 Aug 2016, 7:56 pm

I don't know if I can last until I'm able to get to a better place. Money and social connections have never been in my favor.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

15 Aug 2016, 12:40 am

I've been going over posts I've made in other forums that are similar to the ones I've made this year and it scares me how history seems to just repeat itself in my life.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,605
Location: the island of defective toy santas

15 Aug 2016, 12:51 am

Marknis wrote:
I've been going over posts I've made in other forums that are similar to the ones I've made this year and it scares me how history seems to just repeat itself in my life.

there's an old saying, "history may not exactly repeat itself, but it surely rhymes." :idea: