Why doesn't my friend invite me to her home?

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I have known this friend for many years but we living in different cities. Sometimes she visits me but it's impossible for me to visit her in return. I really need to get away, just change the environment a while but she says that she hates to have houseguests. But she lives in a new house that she often show on facebook and are very proud of, its nice and modern. She lives a normal life with a husband, two kids and a job so it's not like she's living in a sort of a mess or that her husband has a depression or something like that. I have told her that we can just stroll together in her city if she doesn't wont me at her home, but she clearly never come up with any dates on that either. If I come up with a date she either says she is busy or take ages to reply. So I guess, she just wants to visit me but doesn't want me to come to her. But why the hell does she even want to see me in the first place? We do chat on Facebook about different subjects all the time but the visit-thing is just a hard topic for some reason. I feel really frustrated because I want her to be a nice friend and say that she loves me to visit her, I feel slighty used and ignored, I want her to bugger off but then I will lose her forever.

So, what can I do? So tired of one-sided friendships.

yeah i was friends with a guy who wouldn't invite me round mutch or not even at all, it turned out he was losing interest in me as a friend, i just didn't pick up on it. is it socially acceptable for you to ask to come round to see the new house? (not sure if thats rude or not) she has kids so maybe she is just being overly protective at the moment with them, i hear new mothers or mothers of younger kids can be like that. depends though, maybe thats just a weird quirk of hers.

I have a kind-of similar situation but in reverse. It has hurt my feelings but I've never told my friend that. I've decided to just live with it, as I value her friendship "as is" too much to make an issue of it. I'm not saying you should put up with the same, in the same way, as everyone is different and every friendship is different. I do hear you and feel for you because I feel the same hurt about my own friend doing this to me.

With mine, we used to live in the same city, then I moved countries. However, she's an international vacationer; she travels at least once a year to various spots in Europe and some of them very, very near to my country and city. It would mean a side-trip, maybe costing $100 but certainly no more than that, to "hop" across and visit me just for a day-trip from her vacation location. But she's never done it, in eight year now. She tells me all about her great trip in a spot you can get basically a ferry from to come see me, but she's never done that.

I've offered an open invitation. My building even has a dedicated "guest apartment" actually set up like a hotel suite! The rate is less than anywhere else you could stay in London, it's a bargain.

I mentioned the guest suite once years ago in a friendly manner, she replied with polite enthusiasm, then nothing. Eight years and we politely don't discuss her coming to see me, even though there are times when she's within miles of me.

It makes me quite deeply sad, but our e-mail communication is of too much value to me to stir up contention or tell her how I feel. We are honest and intimate in our sharing in every way but this. She has been a rock to me in hard times, of which there have been bad ones in the past eight years since I relocated away from our town. I've really needed to lean on her when there was nobody else.

So I guess my gratitude for that takes the form of not wanting to bug her about visiting me. I also feel like I'm not a desirable friend to visit, to her, exactly because I'm traumatized and basically "unwell". I have depression, anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD. She's been more than supportive via e-mail but actually having to be in my company would probably feel like something she doesn't want to do on her vacation time.

I'm fun sometimes!! I swear!

I'm sad but I'm just leaving it alone.

I feel for you and don't know what else to say except I know what this feels like.

These are called one sided relationships and they absolutely drive my batty because you put so much effort into make the other person feeling welcome along only to find out that they just wanted something. Believe me I have rattled a few cages as a result.

You might contact your friend and ask her why it's seemingly okay for her to waltz into town to see you but that she can't have you over. You might also ask her if

1. She's afraid that you might say something inappropriate to the kids?
2. Does your husband have a problem with me?
3. Are you afraid that I will steal your husband away from you?
4. Are you ashamed to bring someone whose different into your home?
5. Are there any habits that I am doing that bother you or your husband?


Please let me know because I really feel that you are using me. You may also consider that hotels can be rather expensive?

If she wants to lie to you further then you tell her "If you are going to lie to me then please refrain from contacting me because I don't want to hear it. I thought I could trust you because after all I thought we were friends."

Why don't you ask her?

Yeah....

I had a few similar situations with people who were close friends that used me to for things and never did things in return.

One of them was someone who had a moderate to severe case lived with her parents where she was sheltered. She accompanied a family member and I on a few trips along with including her in things. She was joined to me by the hip and called me constantly. Yet her parents never really acknowledged our friendship and never invited me back to anything. This included my friend's 30th surprise birthday. When I cut the relationship loose I confronted her mom about being excluded from the birthday but I got an excuse. "Well the party was 100 miles away."
Another time my family member had been driving all day back from the second vacation and my friend had called her parents to come pick her up as we were almost home. When we got home her parents didn't arrive until an hour later. As it turned out they had gone out to dinner last minute. My family member and I were planning on heading up to their vacation home for Christmas.

I was also used by a co-worker who was supposed to be my friend and I had even gone out of me way to attend her wedding. On the other hand, it was when I invited her to my house warming party that she stood me up though she promised to attend. I got "Well me and my husband were gonna come but I was so upset about my grandmother being in the hospital so we decided to go for a ride first. What happened was, we just keep driving and ended up going to the mountains. I am sorry I didn't call but I had no signal." She had also pulled this every time I would invite her to do something. Whenever I asked why she didn't call it was "I left my phone at home." I came to find out that she hated my guts and had told other people at work things about me that were not true.

Thank you all for answers!

randomeu: I have never said to this friend of mine that I would love to see her house, I only had said that I would like to visit her and meet up in the city and it´s not
that I would stay any nights, it´s just a couple of hours. But she´s living very close to city and that´s what´s weird. I would never refuse a old friend
to see my home when the person has been driving for hours! (I think she would leave her kids with her husband, she use to do that alot so
it´s not something I think is it). Weird quirk is most likely...

BirdInFlight: Would you perhaps like to email me? It sounds like we have alot in common. I also have the same issues you are suffering with and I´m also
considering as a funny person to alot of people PTSD is the worse, but I do think there is help to get, but i´ts hard I know.
And ppl are good at avoiding when you are hurting, that´s just horrible when you need ppl the most.
It´s good that you´re friend has been supported you and maybe you are right that she thinks you are a bit "too much" because of your illness.
I can really relate to that, ppl are never around when you feeling down or just not your funny self. I have always tried to be supportive when somebody is down and out,
but never got the same back, so frustrating. I totally get that you don´t want to confront your friend cuz you are afraid that she is going to
disapear or something, I feel the same way with mine. It´s like they can do whatever they want to do because you have no choices besides being alone.
Your guestapartment sounds such a good idea, I can understand if someone doens´t want to crush in someones sofa but a whole apartment is simply
something you should never say no to. I was in London last year and would love to have a guest apartment so... I don´t get her
I feel sorry for you that she just ignores your nice offer.
I do have another old friend that been to my city alot but I never, ever hear from her. Only see her pix on Instagram visiting my city, I also wonder why she ain´t
contact me? Then she maybe says something fun to me in private on Facebook and I wonder why she even contact me if she never wants to get together.

Summer_Twilight: Yes, one sided relationships, sure is! I don´t think it´s any of those things you wrote but thanks anyway, it´s just like she doens´t want to entertain or something.
Im not a person that say stupid things to kids or that her hubby doesn´t like me or that Im having weird habits, she doesn´t want me in her house or
in her city for that matter. But she likes to visit ME in my city and that´s where Im getting confused. Im sorry about the things you wrote about this two friends.
The friends who uses you when it´s suitable is so bad! I found it really hard to see it clearly when it happends, I feel like I can sensor it but Im not
sure until a couple of months or years has passed by. It´s like Im always wondering "is she uses me or am I just difficult?", I would love to say to the
ppl that are using me that they all can piss off, but I´m never sure if I´m right.

Fnord: Off course I have asked her about this, she just says shortly that she doesn´t like houseguests but she has never explain why exactly.
And again, I´m have not forcing her to invite me to her home, but I would like to meet her in her CITY, but that´s hard too for her.

1. Regardless of you visiting her city that is your choice and you should go anytime and she can't tell you what to do.
2. Also know that it is okay to tell her her

Maybe it's time you start setting boundaries with her as well. The next time she wants to come into your city I would tell her "You know I love you but I am going to be busy this time and there are plenty of hotels for you to invest your money in." That way you don't get treated like a doormat.

If she pitches a fit and tries to manipulate you tell her "I'm sorry but I am not a bed and breakfast service. I am your friends and I have a right to say no. Besides I really feel that things have been one-sided where you always have time to visit me but have no time when I visit you. When you are willing to spend time with me when I visit then let me know."

You have your answer. You don't need any further explanation.

So why ask strangers who have never met you or your friend, and who have only your side of the story to go by?

I get the feeling your friend might be embarrassed about how he/she keeps house; it might be too messy (or it's not actually messy, but the person thinks it's messy).

It might be about the person being self-conscious.

Actually Krafty she said her friend has a nice house which is modern and seems to show it off all the time.

Summer_Twilight: Yea, I believe in boundaries too but the thing is, she doesn´t sleep at my house either. Nowadays she only visit me in the city for some hours,
not in my home. I have invited her but she only wants to meet up downtown. The one sided thing is good, its just the truth.
Im always a bit afraid that she´s going to react in a unpleasant way like disappearing or get mad..

Kraftiekortie: It could be something about unsecurity with her home but as I was saying before I have told her that i not have to come to see her house,
just her on the streets in the city... that´s my problem that she even wont do that effort. Thanks anyway.

Fnord: No, I dont agree with you. Its not a answer to why shes not even want to get together downtown.
If I want to ask strangers - I will, if you dont like my questions... well, then why doesn´t you just leave?

If speculating with strangers about someone whom only you know is your thing, then go for it. My question is "Why?"; and if it is a legitimate question for you to ask strangers, then it is a legitimate question for strangers to ask you, as well.

Maybe you can visit her but find a hotel to stay in, although that could be costly.

Okey, easy answer: I have no clue why she is acting this way, I want to hear if others has similar experiences. The end.

wowiexist: Thats not the issue here really, tx anyway