Reassurance

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It seems like a lot of people feel like they need to reassure me if I apologize or ask them a question. Then at the same time when someone else apologizes they don't make as big of a deal out of it. Just today I asked my roommate about a girl who is moving in with us. When I asked my roommate if she met the girl she told me that she seems nice and that I don't have anything to worry about, even though I never mentioned that I was worried. I can be really quiet and also have a young sounding voice, but I usually don't act sensitive around the people that do this to me.

based on your story everything's cool. Maybe she knows you're a bit of a closed person and wanted to make you feel comfortable out of care...

Anyway do you live in a boarding school for girls or housing for AS (I purely assume, it would be helpful to know tho).

90% is in the non verbal communication (voice tone, speed and pitch of speech, facial exp, gestures...)

Only 10% of the msg is the actual verbal content. I could actually say the same sentence several with different tone/gestures and you would (or an NT rather, depends on the situation) instantly know whether I'm talking down to you, joking, being honest, cynical, or whatever....



Just my 2 cents

No, I just live in an apartment with roommates.


That might have been why she did it. I appreciate reassurance when I have a problem or something, but when I apologize about something like anyone else and they reassure me more than others I feel like I'm not being treated like an equal.

People sometimes think I want reassurance of something I already know, when in reality I want them to tell me something I don't know. (Social things that people are supposed to know or at least to make assumptions or guesses about, usually....such as if I ask a question about how I'm perceived, what I'm supposed to do in a given situation, or what someone means when they say something that I can't understand.)

I think people may also misinterpret my non-anxious behavior and body language as indicative of anxiety (probably the not making eye contact and fidgeting or stimming) when it's actually not indicative of anything .....or is indicative of something like boredom or being in a state of deep thought.

Do you think you might apologize more than others, or for things that others wouldn't apologize for? That might be one reason for the un-needed reassurance you get.

I have that problem too when I ask people for feedback because they would tell me that everything is fine and then later I find out that it really wasn't fine. There have also been people who would try to help me and explain things to me, even when I didn't really need it, but that doesn't happen as much now.

I feel like I also get misinterpreted by others because I can have a soft voice, I don't always look at people and can be clumsy so maybe I seem childish or submissive to them, or something like that. I usually act that way because I feel tired though.

I don't think that I say sorry that much. I notice other people saying sorry more often than I do and they don't get treated that way. It seems like when I apologize or something a lot of people either reassure me or seem annoyed. It also happens when I say excuse me. I'm just trying to be polite like any other person, but they seem to act like I'm looking for approval or something.

Do you mean that the reason you ask people for feedback is because sometimes they tell you things are fine when things aren't fine?

That's one of the reasons I ask people about how I'm percieved, but more often it's because people are acting different/strangely around me or something really confusing has happened/is happening and I just want to understand what's going on.



My guess would be submissive rather than childish.



That must be extremely frustrating.

Have you tried to talk to them about these things? It's easier said than done, of course.....I wish it was possible to just ask people about why they do things without them getting defensive or thinking they have to reassure you even more!

Yes. It seems like some people take it that I want validation, but I usually want the truth so that I can learn. Sometimes people would tell me that I just need to be more confident when I really don't know what I'm doing. So frustrating .

I thought about it, but you're right, they usually either take it the wrong way or seem to think your looking for approval. I think most people get mad when you question them about things like that because for some reason they think that you are trying to argue with them or something. Some of the people that I think might have good intentions and I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. I also worry that they might somehow use it against me later on if they had bad intentions behind it.

I have gotten that, too. It's maddening.



Yeah....it's like they just can't imagine a person asking certain questions in a genuine way so they assume your questions are rhetorical or manipulative.

I understand not wanting to hurt people's feelings and also wanting to protect yourself.

Something else that happens with me is if I make some kind of mistake and then mention it to someone they feel like they need to reassure me, but when other people talk about the mistakes that they make people usually laugh about it. Just today I was washing my hands in the break room at work and went to where the paper towel dispenser use to be and then realized it wasn't there so I went to get paper towels on the table. One of my coworkers was in the break room with me and she's friendly towards me so I was telling her that I keep going to the dispenser even though there's no paper towels. Then she reassured me about it like she thought I was bringing myself down, but I wasn't. She's a really nice person so I think she had good intentions, but I'm not really sure why she took it that way.

That's very odd/curious, your coworker's reaction.

Did you laugh or have a laughing/silly-me/this-is-funny tone of voice when you said about how you keep going to the dispenser even when there are no paper towels there anymore? I wonder if maybe you sounded very serious or just very neutral and matter-of-fact when you said it, so your coworker couldn't read that you were saying it the way everybody else says it or without any emotional undertones at all?

What sort of expression was on your face (if you can remember, if you were aware of it)? If you had a serious or neutral face when you said it, that could make someone take you the wrong way, too.....a lot of people seem to read neutral facial expressions as negative for some reason (erring on the side of caution, maybe).

I think for something like forgetting most people will assume it bothers you unless you indicate in your nonverbals that you are not bothered by it (using tone of voice or laughing or smiling or some combination of those things) because forgetting is often seen as negative and talking about it matter of factly without emotional undertones may be something most people don't do. (Same goes for mistakes, generally, I think.)

I can relate to this alot.
I think its something with your tone of voice can causing this, ppl think you are worried when you are just asking.
If you for example ask a bit slow and not sounding too happy, ppl are going to think right away that you are either sceptical or worried.
If this is not the case, maybe you should just say directly "no, im not worried, Im just asking" so the person can feel a bit "shamed" of thinking
about you that way.

^ Sometimes I make pauses when I speak so maybe that has something to do with it.

I don't think I smiled or looked at her when I was saying it so maybe that was why. I don't think that I sounded upset about it though. There have been a few times I would talk about those things while smiling and they would still do that so I don't know, maybe its the way I talk. I don't really talk about my mistakes a lot though.

Yeah, there have been times I would have a neutral expression on my face and people would mention that I looked sad. Then sometimes it seems like people are really unhappy talking to me while acting happy around others.

I do that sometimes. Not to shame people, but because I want to be understood.



Or maybe because you don't talk about your mistakes a lot, people think it must be somehow significant if you do?

Do you have a neutral voice? A neutral voice can be like a neutral facial expression, so that could be part of it, too....it could be a combination of things.



It could be that you look somehow unhappy/upset to them or even that they just can't read you and have no idea about your emotional state or how you might be reacting to them -- this can be very unsettling/upsetting to some people.

Or people might not feel they have to be "on guard" or fake around you whereas they do feel they have to pretend (to be happy) around others.

Or people might not like/be interested the subject matter of the conversation you're having with them.

Or you might have just caught someone at a bad moment or when they are in a hurry/impatient to do something else.

(Or whatever else I can't think of....just thought I'd share possibilities I could think of.)

That might be it because it seems like most people that talk about their mistakes do it all the time.

I've been told that I have a monotone voice and that I don't always show much emotion, but sometimes it seems like even if I do smile they act that way.

Are you the youngest or smallest one?

You mean at work? No, but I've been told by different people that I look much younger than I am.