needing some genuine advice as a NT female

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13bunnyhop
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14 Aug 2016, 5:31 am

Hi all,

I've sifted through numerous websites and found so much conflicting information regarding Asperger's and in particular Asperger's and abuse in relationships.

Now, I don't want to be one of those obnoxious partners who goes "what's wrong with my partner? He's so cruel so it must be Asperger's" but I'm seeking advice around what degree of his presentation is AS and what is indicative of a deeper and darker personality issue. People on these threads don't seem to go into detail about what constitutes emotional or verbal abuse, esp during "meltdowns" so I would also like some AS perspective on that.

About me - I'm a neurotypical female who has actually being working with children and adolescents on the spectrum for roughly 6-7 years. 6 months ago I started a relationship with a man I believe to have AS (among other issues) although he has not being diagnosed. His mother says he did see a psychiatrist when he was around 18-19 years old who suggested he had a personality disorder of sorts.

The guy - why I think AS? Extreme sense of social justice, rigidity in thoughts, honesty, almost child-like innocence to him, struggles with social situations (he needs alcohol to reduce anxiety and interact), limited vocabulary for emotions but otherwise has a large vocabulary and high intelligence, can become very focused on a particular task and forget everything else, has one special interest (football), strong need for routine, sensory sensitivities (can hear the faintest sounds like they were blaring loudly right beside him), relates more to animals than humans.

All this, I can handle. In fact, I'm very similar to him in many of these areas which is probably why I was drawn to him in the first place.

My problem? His anger. I believe it is so explosive it goes beyond normal AS anger and I would like some perspective on this.

He is 39 years of age and has been in many short term relationships and two long term, all ending very badly and with him shifting all blame on his partner. He views he is the "victim" in these relationships and told me he was on the receiving end of DV on 2 when in reality (his mum told me) he has had police called on him, has had a DVO put on him and has spent time in the watch house. Again, believe it or not, I can handle this, if these were misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication between AS/NT partners.

However, whilst he gets angered very easily and will threaten others, storm around and occasionally throw things, he had never directed that anger towards me (although I was intimidated and at times scared by it) until after I broke up with him roughly 6 weeks ago. In his mind I betrayed his trust because I said I would stick by him through thick and thin and I didn't. That I completely understand - I was trying to keep myself safe after a misunderstanding saw him kicking me out of his house at 6.30am one morning. This, mind you, was after I had spent an entire week taking care of him because he was in a depressed period due to work changes and difficulties with his housemate. Eventually we resolved our differences and agreed to work things out.

These 6 weeks, however, have been a nightmare. He will either stop talking to me and block me then randomly email me pleasantly then disengage again, until most recently I sent him a message for his birthday and he did not reply until the day after and was very sarcastically rude and passively aggressive. I tried to ask him what was wrong and speak to him logically and unemotionally (as I've read that's how to best respond to someone with AS - sorry if that info is incorrect and I have inadvertently offended someone) and that's when the abuse got nasty. He accused me of being a sociopath with no emotional depth and no empathy. He called me a slut and a whore. He told me he hated me and wished me nothing but pain and suffering and that I contracted an illness, among other things. In the past he has also called me a selfish c**t, and "c**t" his preferred go to word. In the past he has also told his mother "you better keep your windows locked at night or I'll come in and slit your throat" and he kicked his baby brother out of his house (effectively rendering him homeless in an unfamiliar place) for not following his advice/instructions. He holds grudges and can cut people off instantly if they say something he doesn't like.

This does not sound like AS behaviour. Thoughts?



Earthbound
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14 Aug 2016, 1:43 pm

He has anger issues that's for sure. From all that- I'm thinking he might have bipolar? Perhaps some sort of autism as well. I don't know for sure since I'm no expert. If he hasnt been officially diagnosed with anything- who knows. I think that could be a decent first step- he should see a doctor for professional help.

I suggest you just be very careful. If he refuses to get help- I honestly think you should stop seeing him/stop all contact with him. Even if he hasnt ever hit you.. it honestly feels like it could go that route if he doesn't start getting treatment of some sort.



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14 Aug 2016, 2:29 pm

Quote:
He accused me of being a sociopath with no emotional depth and no empathy. He called me a slut and a whore. He told me he hated me and wished me nothing but pain and suffering and that I contracted an illness, among other things. In the past he has also called me a selfish c**t, and "c**t" his preferred go to word. In the past he has also told his mother "you better keep your windows locked at night or I'll come in and slit your throat"


This is verbal abuse. He sounds like he is probably on the spectrum, but that he also has some emotional immaturity issues (not necessarily related to AS as some of us may start out emotionally delayed but have usually matured somewhat by the time we are 39) and definitely is abusive. He needs therapy to address his emotional issues and to learn to take responsibility for himself and his abusive behaviour. If he can't start doing that then I wouldn't bother with him anymore. Why invite abusive people into your life just because they might be autistic? Being autistic is not an excuse to call you a whore and a c**t and treat you like garbage and blame you for all his problems. I am a 37 year old autistic woman and I say he sounds like a huge jerk. I have trouble with anger sometimes but I would never call someone I cared about names like that and expect to be forgiven for it like it's no big deal. Words like that can't be taken back.


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14 Aug 2016, 2:30 pm

Hey 13bunnyhop welcome. :sunny:


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BTDT
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14 Aug 2016, 2:40 pm

He may have black/white thinking.
He believes he has two options.
Be a nice guy who is ignored by all women socially.
Be a jerk and become desirable to women.

How well does he handle the white lies that are part of modern society?

I recall a 1970s vintage social studies film in which a girl was institutionalized after she did drugs and had a psychotic break--presumably she couldn't hand the truth about her parents' marriage.



BeaArthur
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14 Aug 2016, 8:46 pm

Never mind the psychiatric labels. This guy is offensive and possibly dangerous.

Why would you even consider remaining involved with him?


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wilburforce
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14 Aug 2016, 9:10 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Never mind the psychiatric labels. This guy is offensive and possibly dangerous.

Why would you even consider remaining involved with him?


I've reconsidered and I wouldn't even bother waiting to see if he gets therapy--there is no cure for meanness, and this guy just sounds mean-natured. Some people just enjoy being mean and cruel to others, especially when they are angry or unhappy with themselves. This is not a person worth sticking around for.


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13bunnyhop
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14 Aug 2016, 9:51 pm

Thanks everyone! Just to clarify, I broke up with him 6 weeks ago. I did try to understand how he could be the way he is but you're all right - doesn't matter why as the end product is still the same! He's a dangerous person with no insight into his behaviour and thus no capacity for change. I still feel sorry for him, but only because I am am extremely caring person.



enz
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14 Aug 2016, 10:15 pm

Good to hear :D



Wolfram87
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16 Aug 2016, 2:40 pm

13bunnyhop wrote:
he has had police called on him, has had a DVO put on him and has spent time in the watch house.


If the police in your area are operating under the Duluth model, I would put very little stock in that.


But from the other things you describe; assuming he has AS, your breakup with him likely felt like an unforgivable betrayal, a break of a mutual promise of loyalty and trust. People with AS tend not to form such bonds easily, but when they do form them, those bonds go deep and therefore the fallout from a breakup is that much worse. The breakup following whatever the misunderstanding was about demonstrated to him how far he could or couldn't trust you, and showed him a concrete limit to how much you valued the relationship. I imagine that even after agreeing to try reconciling, he had trouble getting over that. Mind, I'm not excusing his nasty conduct.

That being said, his short fuse and proclivities towards violent words and actions are separate from AS, although more than likely exacerbated by it. In my submission, until he gains insight into his own personal issues and deals with them, he should not be seeing anyone.


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16 Aug 2016, 6:54 pm

I think keep away from him, and err on the side of caution with any threatening words/behaviour. I think your ex needs therapy and perhaps consultation, not a relationship.

He may well have AS, but such anger is not in any way an inevitable or acceptable consequence of this. He sounds like a spoilt brat in an adult's body, expecting everything to revolve around him, and that he is always in the right. I would assume there is something on top of any Autism (a lot sounds like a Borderline person I knew). He needs help, and doesn't sound like he'd be willing to accept it, or consider that he has behaved innapropriately.

You may have 'wronged' him by not keeping your word, but I think given it came after he threw you out the house at 6.30am over a 'misunderstanding', any reasonable person would try and understand why. In his shoes, I'd ask myself (and you): what happened between us that you couldn't keep your word? How did I screw up so bad? etc.

It seems to me that he is far too volatile and unreasonable (illogical, to indulge a stereotype) to be in a relationship.


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