My disorder prevents people from loving me.

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I am posting this from an account made with a throwaway email address, because I am a closeted Aspie/Autie (whatever the DSM decides I am this week.)

Love and relationships -- of all types -- have been a serious problem for me my entire life because of my autism. From my first relationship at the age of 17 to today, it's been a really difficult problem. I pretty much learned how to love from books I read, but romantic relationships, familial relationships, and even platonic friendships in real life don't resemble what I read in books even in the slightest. The books always described how if you loved someone and were thoughtful about their wants, needs, and feelings, they would reciprocate and love you back. Instead, I discovered that people saw affection as frightening, creepy, or as a weakness to be exploited.

My disorder has always made me really awkward. I have to logically reason out all the things that neurotypical people do instinctively. It's like everyone has superpowers and I don't. People have always found me really strange and that makes me an outsider to be rejected.

Now that I'm an adult, I've tried really hard to build a good relationship with my parents and siblings, but they never want to see me or spend time with me. When they talk about me, it's to tell everyone about my financial or educational successes. They never talk about the times they told me that they wished they had aborted me.

My past romantic relationships were all disasters. I was so desperate to be loved that I got into really intense relationships with terrible people. They stole my money, belittled me, cheated on me, manipulated me to control me. I did eventually meet my wife and she is kind and loving to me, but she has her own set of psychological issues that I need to handle and I'm not really equipped for that. I look for logical answers to problems that are inherently illogical and I don't know how to be supportive enough.

Recently, it came out that my wife's parents think very little of me. A year ago, I lost a job with benefits (this time not because of my disorder but because there wasn't funding for the position), so I've been working two other jobs to pay the bills while depending on my wife's benefits for my health insurance. I have been looking for a new job with benefits, but it's hard because people instinctively don't like me and I have to hide my diagnosis because it doesn't make me part of a legally protected class, so I could be blacklisted for it. When I learned how my wife's parents really felt about it, it hurt me a lot, because I thought I had finally found a loving family that would accept me just the way I am.

It makes me think of an episode of that science fiction show "Fringe" where Astrid's alternate universe doppleganger was on the spectrum and because of it the alternate universe doppleganger of her father never loved her. I know I am different. I know that I'll never be "normal". But why does that mean that people don't love me? I just don't understand. I have one person in the entire world who loves me. It really hurts a lot to be so alone.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It sounds like you've had much bad luck, plus insensitive parents, plus insensitive people in general.

Sometimes, love and relationships DO bear a resemblance to that which is found in books.

It's true, you really can't reveal your autism to prospective employers.

You definitely have some virtues---as you HAVE achieved some success in something (which you haven't named). Perhaps it's something in the computer field?

I understand you feel like you're at your wit's end. Maybe we at WrongPlanet can help you through this.

You are not alone here. As Kraftie said, hopefully, we can help you. Perhaps, you can find some peace, if nothing else, support and relief here. I'm sorry for all of the troubles you've endured, and it hurts my heart to hear that these things have happened to you. I'm here usually once a day, if you need a friend to talk to. By the way, I loved your crack on the DSM.

There are some people on this site who could only dream of having a loving wife. You shouldn't take that for granted.

I'm sorry for your sadness.
I think you will find many people here that share all or part of your life your life story.
I surely can relate to a family and in-laws that didn't love you and terrible difficulty connecting to friends.
You are not alone.

You write really well, I was engaged all the way through. I admire that ability. I sympathise with being locked into continually trying to logically understand something that is not powered by logic. I think there are two separate states. One which might be called expression, and this encompasses all expressive acts, be they emotional, artistic, impulsive, etc. The other state examines, evaluates, studies and reasons. This second state can never recreate the first, if it tries, it's just a hollow echo. The first state exists only, in the moment. It can't be recreated, copied, or forced.
The first state seems to fly blind, something which seems to terrify the second, which seeks to predict, imitate, and dissect the first.
I am currently trying to understand the limits of what can be done while in the second state, the one I often find myself in, because it appears to offer the comfort of predictability.
I find myself often in this mindset however out of fear, fear I can not be in the first state.
Like most people, even ones on the spectrum like myself, I am not comprised of just one way, or state of being. I have perhaps a predisposition for the second analytical state, which while totally valid, when I am afraid, I try to adopt this mode of thinking, because I think (erroneously) that I can predict and perform the correct response that will be successful and prevent failure and rejection.
The extent to which fear, and feeling of being shell shocked inhibits my right to expression, and the first state, is something I am trying to connect with.

My wife has been mentally ill for a very long time. A few months ago, she was hospitalized for a week after expressing suicidal ideation. Her job was obviously not happy about this and they waited until this past week after we came back from a vacation to fire her without notice. They said it was because she hadn't completed paperwork on time, but the real reason is obvious to anybody.

So, now our health insurance is only paid through the end of the month and then we're going to have to pay a ridiculous amount for COBRA or my wife's mental health services will no longer be funded. Her parents are blaming me right now for not having a job with benefits and they pretty much think I'm a loser. In reality, I've been working two jobs and doing all chores, property maintenance, all cooking and cleaning, everything, while my wife was coming home from work and laying in bed for the rest of the evening every night due to her mental illness.

We have savings to cover the mortgage and our other bills for the time being, but now I need to find a salaried job with benefits or I don't know what will happen. This is very difficult because nobody likes me due to the symptoms of my autism. My family doesn't like me. I had only two or three friends and they never want to spend any time with me. All potential employers are repulsed by me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone.

My family is utterly useless in this situation. I grew up in poverty and they are jealous of the fact that I'm not on welfare. The experience of depending on the government and strangers to eat every day made a big impression on me and when I escaped at the age of 17 to go to college. As an adult, I've lived a minimalist lifestyle and saved every penny I could so I wouldn't ever be hungry and cold again.

I'm afraid though. I feel like I can barely take care of myself and now I am responsible for the life and well-being of my wife because she's so helpless. At the best of times, I am very lonely, but I've never felt more alone than I do right now.

You sound like you have it so hard at the moment. I can only imagine how stressful things are for you during this time. I think you have been really brave so far, its a shame more people are not able to realise this and support you.
Sometimes i think Nt's are more afraid of me, rather than outright disliking me. In the same way as i am afraid of Nt's perhaps. I think its more based of lack of understanding, rather than actual dislike. This helps me be less resentful or angry when i feel marginalised by society. Obviously it doesn't make all the problems go away for me. I hope that your situation improves, i wish i could be helpful, don't give up, you are clearly very capable.

Don't worry about your as*hole in-laws. If they're so good and rich, why can't they pay for their daughter's COBRA? Is it because they're too poor? Or is it because they just don't care about her?

Either way it sounds you like you're doing a far better job of caring for your wife than they are. Maybe they have a disorder that prevents them from caring.

Instead of letting them say how little they think of you, you should let them know how little you think of them.

First, yes, it is harder for autistics. Thats a given. But nothing is going to change or fix that so its best to just accept it as your reality. But it is not impossible either. Far from it. Aspects of your autism may even be advantageous in some areas. Doing very well in some areas can go a long way to compensating for doing not so good in others.

Now, to be blunt, you say you have a loving wife. But she's got issues you can't handle.

Isn't that what your complaint is as far as how people deal with you? So you do the same to your wife?

This makes no sense. You have something many never achieve (marriage) and can't see the answer right in front of you.

Thank you to the people who have made some thoughtful replies on this thread. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.

There are a few people on here though from whom I detect a bit of jealousy. My family is jealous of me too. I've always found that rather odd, because I have struggled all my life just to be able to live as an AS person in a neurotypical world. I remember the day I learned that neurotypicals considered it rude if you walked between them while they were having a conversation (I just needed to get down the hallway.) It's hard to remember all the unwritten rules that they simply know with their magical powers. I've gotten relatively good at it but it's really tiring.

Anyway, yes, I am not in poverty (anymore). I have one person in the entire world who loves me. I love her too. Her mental illness is a very difficult burden (since I am struggling with something within myself that will never end until the day I die), but she is my entire world. I'm just trying to be the person I have to be for us to survive.

It's hard to navigate a world that looks at you physically and sees nothing wrong, but senses deep within themselves that you are "The Other". Nobody likes "The Other". It's scary and dangerous. I am quite a disciplined person and my therapist said she had met few people with autism who managed it as well as I do, but it's never enough. The longer I am around someone, the more they pick up on the fact that there's something off about me. And when they turn on me, oh boy, is it ever ugly. I've had people say some really hurtful things about me and they usually don't feel bad about saying it because my face is like a mask. They think they aren't hurting me.

I learned to survive by living a minimalist lifestyle. Hang around at mrmoneymustache dot com a little while and you learn more about it. No cable TV, no going out to the movies, no new video games (deeply discounted used games are fair game though if I have a gift card), no eating out, no new cars, no designer clothes, no purchasing books or comics (when the library is available.) No luxury goods. No convenience foods. No new cell phones and laptops every six months. Takes some self-control, but I can do it.

My wife needs me to do it. It's the reason why we aren't out on the street after she lost her job. I just want a little more. A little comfort when the world seems so dark. Is it really enough to survive? What about thriving? Doesn't that matter too?

No jealousy bud. I have been very lucky. I have been married 30+ years and had 27 yr long career in military. Only an injury knocked me out. And I have now fought another battle against pain and frustration in addition to the lifelong one vs autism. I am familiar with battles so-to-speak. After several years I am just approaching semi-normal life and am driving again sparingly.

Learn to handle your wife's issues and you may find it helps her handle yours. Nobody else matters a hell of a lot.

When all hope seemed lost, suddenly we are saved.

I had put out dozens of applications for jobs with benefits and got a call for one interview which was conducted yesterday. The recruiter had misinformed me about the nature of the job, so the portfolio I brought with me was woefully inappropriate for the interview. I did what I could anyway, shared what was relevant from my portfolio, and honestly explained my education, experience, and expertise as it best pertained to the job. The interviewers kept mentioning how they were looking for someone who would "fit in" with their department, so that got me really worried. Most people are perturbed by my AS behaviors and demeanour. I also worried that I wasn't maintaining enough eye contact or showing enough expression in my face while speaking to them. It's hard to remember to do that sometimes. Takes a lot of effort.

I headed home thinking I had bombed the interview and failed my wife. She comforted me and we did some work around the house together.

Then I got the call this afternoon. I got the job. I'll be making more money than I made at my other two jobs combined PLUS they will provide health insurance coverage for the two of us. I did it. My wife's mental health treatment will be able to continue.

I feel so happy right now. It feels so good to finally get a win here after so many setbacks. I was so afraid of losing our health insurance and having trouble paying the mortgage and property taxes. It'll still be tight with only one income for the time being, but we are going to survive this. Thank God.

I am glad you finally got a break through. It is nice when this happens after a long dark period! Congratulations!

Sweet, happy things have worked out well