Hello! Dad of Asperger's Child here...

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Sometimes when a person is newly diagnosed with ASD they go through an identity crises. We find out what we thought of our flawed charactors was really in fact that we were born this way. Key events in our life now have a new explanation. Some find this a huge relief while others get depressed because it is a lifelong condition, while others have mixed emotions. People during this period can see autism in everything. Similar in some ways to when you were first away from your parents and you got a little too wild with your newfound freedom the newly diagnosed autistic might feel more free to be thier autistic selves after trying to hide this part of themselves for so long. This usually works itself over time but it does take time.

As far as the noise, the loud kids usually stay away from the front rows.

Almost sounded like my case... Except I never had misdiagnosis, even if people described me as moody yet never diagnosed like one. And had little or no need for therapy.

The anxiety roots towards people and the idea of socializing, not about school or learning itself. As anxiety gets worse, so does her intolerance in the environment. Unless she's intolerant to begin with, which made it worse.
I was a sensory seeker once, but when anxiety came, so does the intolerance. Following by more frustration and depression then became homebounded... For 2 years in my case. I overcame both without meds. A good support is recommended.

Does she desire control and will? If so, it's about willingness to learn both the best and worst about people than just the latter. It takes a mental leap (not willpower) of a decision, which it may come anytime: could be days or years.
If not, I don't know. How willing is she? What does she want other than (if) nothing to do with people or norms? Finding one's own pace is tricky, and finding someone else's is harder.

Well, I like learning that might help. I also don't really care what others think about me. She might not want take what the other kids say seriously. I mean they are teenagers right. I still feel the same way about school though, I have no idea how to fix that. Though that might help...

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I relate to this story so much.

I too was diagnosed at 14 and many people wanted to diagnose me mood disorder and bipolar before the official DX.

School was hell for me. The school was reluctant to give me support because they had difficulty getting in touch with my psychologist. I suggest getting the school notified and getting a system in place ASAP.

If she has a tendency to meltdown violently like i do when stressed, she needs a safe room or a strategy to calm herself and maybe an aid to guide her. When i was getting bullies i would become anxious and bring knives to school, luckily for me the school understood i didnt know it was wrong to bring the knives and i was let off the hook. But learning strategies to deal with stress, overloads and meltdowns is PRIORITY. I dropped out due to reoccurring violent meltdowns which lead to suicide attempts. Safety is first.

Second is social skills, she needs to know boundaries and good manners, especially for a 14 year old, sexual boundaries, this also got me into some trouble socially and with teachers. She should be with people who are on the same mental level as her, like other students on the spectrum, i found great success here, i found a summer camp for teens on the high functioning end of the spectrum and now i have a group of friends to depend on.

And of course if she has poor executive functioning, this needs to be dealt with, even if shes smart, organization and completing homework can be a hassle, talk to the school about possible support.

I hope this helps

ZombieBride- that was a good post. For all us parents. Thank you!

Well, she made it to school today. She had not been to a full day of school since March of 2014 and she has managed to do it 3 out of 4 days this week!

I'm going to talk to her about joining a forum like this. I think it will be helpful for her to discuss things with people who see the world the way she sees it. She does group therapy but they only meet once in awhile.

I really think now that we know what her true disability is we can really help her. I'm not sure why it took so long to arrive at this diagnosis but now that it is here the tell tale signs seem obvious. Her stilted social interactions are caused by her lack of ability to read body language, pick up on voice nuance etc. which in turn lead to her anxiety which leads to depression and so on. But my understanding is that some of these things that come naturally to me can be learned over time with the proper guidance. So helping with the source of the problem should relieve to an extent some of the other issues that stem from it.

Now I also understand why loud noises and noisy classrooms bother her so much. And why she only wants one lamp on in her bedroom. And why she sleeps with a sleeping mask. I am starting to feel better about things now and that there is hope!

My one regret is that the correct diagnosis did not come earlier. Again I suspect it was because of my family history with bi-polar as well as the fact that she is female. So difficult to figure out what is going on when they are so young. I feel so bad for her being so young and not being able to explain what she was feeling or why she was acting the way she was. And no one understanding.

Thank you all for your input on this. You have been very helpful.

It sounds like something you did or that the school did may have resolved her issue, at least temporarily. Is it possible to identify what changed between the last week where she didn't attend school regularly and the week where she was going more frequently? It might not be possible to detect; if it's a thing with her friends or something, she might not tell you.

Since you said that getting her there was the major issue, I'm wondering if she is experiencing anxiety simply at being somewhere new. Even if it's somewhere better, it can be overwhelming to get used to all the sights, sounds, smells and sensations of a new place. If this is the issue, it should diminish as she keeps going back. But I understand how she can be working herself into overwhelming anxiety by the prospect of a new place, full of unknown things that can't be planned for or expected ahead of time. I also understand how it is the anticipation, the ride there, that is the hardest. I read something about an autistic child (in grade school, but it might still apply) who was resisting going to school. He was OK while at school, but it was a struggle to get him there. The parents resolved it by letting him listen to music with headphones during the car ride there. The music helped keep him in a calm and relaxed state of mind (and block out unwanted noise) so that school was easier to deal with. Could something like that work, where she has a before-school ritual of doing something that she loves and that calms her?

James

Greetings. I feel i can help you a bit, being similar to your daughter's age. I was recently diagnosed with autism level 1 and a learning disability. So i just got a TON of things added to my IEP. I'm from Ontario, Canada and I'm not sure where you are from (on my phone so i can't check), but if you are in the states, it's very different than here. We only have IEPs and no such thing as a 504 plan. But anyways, i got an IEP at the end of grade 10 (so at age 15) for anxiety disorders. Is your daughter afraid of people or for things socially related. The best accommodation i find for this is for presentations, which may be a trigger for your daughter and may be avoiding them. I am allowed to present in front of the teacher only. I have a lot less anxiety because of it. I know you said she also doesn't like the loud noises in the classroom. Maybe she can be allowed periodic breaks and a "break card". She puts it on your desk to let the teacher know she needs a break without her classmates knowing, which is an anxiety trigger for me. Also, possibly adding that she can have a copy of the notes from another student or the teacher so if she needs a break, she isn't afraid of leaving the classroom when she needs to. Plus, she can pay attention to what the teacher is saying or doing without the fear of missing a note so it would help with two things. The "basic" accommodations for test that helps would be like extra time, write in a separate room. Another that would be good is allowing use of headphones while doing work. This way, she can block out noises and be able to work on homework. You can add this so she can use it on test. Anyways, if you need help for something else, PM me or reply to my message. I deal with my own IEP without my parents help because they don't feel i need one. I'm 16 so i can sign my own stuff. I look up a lot of stuff on this because it's related to my special interest. Hope this helps