How can Aspies who need lots & lots of alone time marry?

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Ragtime
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07 May 2007, 10:31 am

I'm that kind of Aspie that needs tons of alone time. Is marriage out of the question for me?

My concern is based on the premise that an understanding wife isn't the same as a wonderfully empty abode, the latter being my only sanctuary. For Aspies like me, a seperate peace is their only peace. Everything else is head-spinning overstimulation if taken in normally large doses. I'm thinking marriage is a large dose of togetherness any way you cut it. I just don't know if I can do it, while, at the same time, loneliness year after year is a real b***h.

A main thing holding me in my current unmarried state is that, when you're single, you ALWAYS have a choice to ask someone out, whereas when you're married, it's pretty permanent (as it should be). So it's like: Singlehood means a perpetual opportunity to choose, while marriage means you're stuck with what you've chosen forever (except for the very unpleasant option of divorce, which I also don't believe in).

Now, I don't mind dating women who can accept my AS boundaries. I'll stick with that option in the meantime, but not sure how long that can really last.


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07 May 2007, 10:47 am

I don't think marriage is a 'large dose of togetherness'.... but it would ultimately be up to you and your partner what it would be like.

My hubby and I are both pretty solitary but we like each other's company. We can be in the same room and in each other's presence and still do our own things. He likes the fact that I'm not into romance and lovey-dovey stuff.

Marriage isn't out of the question for an aspie. Just like anyone else you just have to be selective of WHO you marry. Both of you would have to have similar expectations, similar dreams and similar desires for it to work. There are other things as well- like physical attraction; how you both approach money and dealing with each other's families that come into play too.



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07 May 2007, 10:48 am

I think you can find someone who appreciates alone time too, even if you need it more than most aspies. The trick is actually finding the person if you're spending all your time at home by yourself.


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Kilroy
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07 May 2007, 10:50 am

I don't like being alone-and I hope to get married someday but it seems quite daunting



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07 May 2007, 11:02 am

I was wondering if a marriage could work where the married people live separately and just meet up at mutually decided regular intervals. I actually knew a couple who did something like this, he had a career in the Navy so was away almost all of the time and when he retired they lived in separate houses as they weren`t used to living together. It seemed to work pretty well for them, I don`t know if either had AS or not.


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Last edited by alexbeetle on 07 May 2007, 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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07 May 2007, 11:03 am

Well, I do need lots of alone time, but my husband and I are compatible enough that time alone with him is close enough to being "alone time" that I don't need a whole lot of REAL alone time. I think you just need to find someone who makes you feel very very comfortable.



Ragtime
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07 May 2007, 11:24 am

Esperanza wrote:
Well, I do need lots of alone time, but my husband and I are compatible enough that time alone with him is close enough to being "alone time" that I don't need a whole lot of REAL alone time. I think you just need to find someone who makes you feel very very comfortable.


Ya, I did experience that in my first marriage. It's just the "not knowing" if it'll reach that level. I guess a long courtship is in order. I'm already dating my current marriage prospect, by the way. But I've got a little problem I guess, in that I have surges of intimacy, and later I really feel like pulling back (being alone for a few days). I think that that major emotional switching on my part is harsh on her. I'll do my best to try and regulate somewhat...


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girl7000
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07 May 2007, 12:31 pm

Hi,

I'm really glad that someone posted this - I have issues in this area too.

My boyfriend asked me to move in with him and I would like to because I like being around him but I need time alone!

The 'compromise' idea that we have come up with is that we will have separate rooms. Property is very expensive where we live, so we would probably get a 1 bedroom flat and one of us would have the bedroom and the other would have the living room and use it as a bedroom. It's not ideal but it would give us both the space we need.

I also find it hard as he is NT and wants to see me pretty much every day. It is difficult as I just find that too much, especially as I work 4 days a week, and even though I have enjoyed my job so far, I still find it tiring to be around people all day and when I get home or at the weekend the last thing I want to do is be around another person - it's like taking an exam for me - it's just too much and not necessarily enjoyable.

Also I am very sensitive to noise and lighting. My boy friend plays his music VERY loud and also is one of those people who doesn't feel the cold (where as I feel it terribly and have Raynaud's Syndrome) so we'd always have arguments about that.

He also likes dim 'mood' lighting whereas I HATE that - I need good light and I couldn't cope with dim lighting or a basement flat which didn't get natural light. I also need to sleep with a light on as I'm scared of the dark but my bf can't sleep if it's not dark!

I think the best thing for us would be to live separately - perhaps one day next door to eachother! (I know the actress Helena Bonham-Carter does this and she says it's great!)

As for marriage - I don't want to do that. I don't see the point. If it all goes wrong we split up - I don't want to complicate things and bank rupt myself getting married and then potentially having to get divorced later on.

I also don't like the fact that weddings have to happen in front of everybody. I don't like being in 'public' and also some of my family are bad people so I wouldn't want them involved.

I don't do marriage.



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07 May 2007, 12:35 pm

I harbour ambitions of marriage sometime in the future, but only when I am certain that the good lady in question will be able to tolerate me for life. I don't want to play at marriage, I want those vows to mean something. I'm not a believer in willy-nilly divorces that have permeated our society to the extent that they have, so I will want to be sure that the marage will work.


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07 May 2007, 12:36 pm

I don't think I ever will-some days I think I'll never find love because who I am :( I want to but I just don't have a lot of hope sometimes



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07 May 2007, 12:44 pm

Hobbies...that's how my parents did it. Lots and lots of hobbies. lol

My mother had her flowers, collections and her reading that she engaged in upstairs and outside...my dad had his photography, target shooting, tools and collections downstairs...each one respected the other's space...they would go for days engrossed in whatever they were doing and hardly said boo to each other...other times they would do things together.

No one got insecure, no one felt slighted...as long as you can find someone that respects your need for personal space and has a life of her own, with no in-security issues...I think you can possibly keep your sanity.

I didn't find that...I married the complete opposite...he thought marriage was a 24/7 thing of constant togetherness with his family included...if I went out into the yard, he wanted me in the house, if I wanted to go somewhere alone he thought I was up to something or felt slighted...if I didn't call his mom everyday, it meant I didn't care about his family...if I sat in a chair by myself I was supposed to be beside him on the sofa...I was "avoiding" him...he was constantly grabbing my hand, hanging on me, pulling my hair, walking in on me in the tub, wanting to know who I was on the phone with, I couldn't even lock myself in the bathroom without him pounding on the door wondering what I was doing. I loved him yes...but he made me NUTS. :roll:


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Kilroy
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07 May 2007, 12:49 pm

that's a little extreme even for me-if my future partner wants scpace then he or she would get it! It would be none of my business what they're up to all the time



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07 May 2007, 12:53 pm

I don't think I could ever marry anyone, well I've never met anyone yet who I could be close enough to. I need lots of time to myself. Maybe someone I meet in the future will change my mind though.



Ragtime
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07 May 2007, 1:01 pm

girl7000 wrote:
Hi,

I'm really glad that someone posted this - I have issues in this area too.

My boyfriend asked me to move in with him and I would like to because I like being around him but I need time alone!

The 'compromise' idea that we have come up with is that we will have separate rooms. Property is very expensive where we live, so we would probably get a 1 bedroom flat and one of us would have the bedroom and the other would have the living room and use it as a bedroom. It's not ideal but it would give us both the space we need.

I also find it hard as he is NT and wants to see me pretty much every day. It is difficult as I just find that too much, especially as I work 4 days a week, and even though I have enjoyed my job so far, I still find it tiring to be around people all day and when I get home or at the weekend the last thing I want to do is be around another person - it's like taking an exam for me - it's just too much and not necessarily enjoyable.

Also I am very sensitive to noise and lighting. My boy friend plays his music VERY loud and also is one of those people who doesn't feel the cold (where as I feel it terribly and have Raynaud's Syndrome) so we'd always have arguments about that.

He also likes dim 'mood' lighting whereas I HATE that - I need good light and I couldn't cope with dim lighting or a basement flat which didn't get natural light. I also need to sleep with a light on as I'm scared of the dark but my bf can't sleep if it's not dark!

I think the best thing for us would be to live separately - perhaps one day next door to eachother! (I know the actress Helena Bonham-Carter does this and she says it's great!)

As for marriage - I don't want to do that. I don't see the point. If it all goes wrong we split up - I don't want to complicate things and bank rupt myself getting married and then potentially having to get divorced later on.

I also don't like the fact that weddings have to happen in front of everybody. I don't like being in 'public' and also some of my family are bad people so I wouldn't want them involved.

I don't do marriage.


For the vast majority of my singlehood, I too have felt that marriage is just not for me. It's one thing to know that; it's quite another to live by that knowledge when opportunities present themselves. I kind of wish I didn't even have a chance/option to ever marry, but of course, such a scenario has an obvious emotional downside. But hey, it's safer. And that's how I win that argument with myself: Singlehood is safer and more stable than marriage, at least for someone like me. As an Aspie, "safe" and "stable" are basically the holy grail of my earthly existence, aside from helping people along the way.

I also like -- and need -- the quick-and-full maneuverabilty of the single life. For example, if I need to make a life decision that puts my household through a temporary hardship, it then becomes good news that I'm not married, else my wife would have to suffer with me as a result of that decision. Of course, we'd have to discuss such a decision ahead of time, canceling the quick-and-full maneuverability that keeps my life running like a well-tuned engine.

I think my best bet is to chase off the bouts of loneliness with occasional dating. It takes me a long time of being alone to feel lonely, so I don't need much from the dating world in order to stay emotionally optimum. Like a car's 3,000-mile check up -- it needs it, but only that often.


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07 May 2007, 1:05 pm

As long as she's secure with herself first...knows who "she is"...I really don't think it would be a big problem. Talk to her.


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07 May 2007, 1:09 pm

The only way I could survive marriage would be if I can find someone that would be at the least tolerant of, hopefully even happy with, the possibility of just being in the same room and not having to constantly interact. The couple of people that I...can't seem to permanently get out of my head, that's been the case. Just being in the same room with them, even if all we're doing is screwing around on our laptops, maybe watching a movie, if I can do that and still feel far more, I don't know, content, at peace, happier, than I normally am, that's my ideal. Sure, there has to be interaction at times, but I could take what I described as alone time and be happy enough.