How can Aspies who need lots & lots of alone time marry?

Page 1 of 2 [ 30 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

shadexiii
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,545

07 May 2007, 1:09 pm

The only way I could survive marriage would be if I can find someone that would be at the least tolerant of, hopefully even happy with, the possibility of just being in the same room and not having to constantly interact. The couple of people that I...can't seem to permanently get out of my head, that's been the case. Just being in the same room with them, even if all we're doing is screwing around on our laptops, maybe watching a movie, if I can do that and still feel far more, I don't know, content, at peace, happier, than I normally am, that's my ideal. Sure, there has to be interaction at times, but I could take what I described as alone time and be happy enough.



Ragtime
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2006
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,927
Location: Dallas, Texas

07 May 2007, 1:12 pm

Beenthere wrote:
Hobbies...that's how my parents did it. Lots and lots of hobbies. lol

My mother had her flowers, collections and her reading that she engaged in upstairs and outside...my dad had his photography, target shooting, tools and collections downstairs...each one respected the other's space...they would go for days engrossed in whatever they were doing and hardly said boo to each other...other times they would do things together.

No one got insecure, no one felt slighted...as long as you can find someone that respects your need for personal space and has a life of her own, with no in-security issues...I think you can possibly keep your sanity.

I didn't find that...I married the complete opposite...he thought marriage was a 24/7 thing of constant togetherness with his family included...if I went out into the yard, he wanted me in the house, if I wanted to go somewhere alone he thought I was up to something or felt slighted...if I didn't call his mom everyday, it meant I didn't care about his family...if I sat in a chair by myself I was supposed to be beside him on the sofa...I was "avoiding" him...he was constantly grabbing my hand, hanging on me, pulling my hair, walking in on me in the tub, wanting to know who I was on the phone with, I couldn't even lock myself in the bathroom without him pounding on the door wondering what I was doing. I loved him yes...but he made me NUTS. :roll:


Gol-ly! Mr. Cling, huh? I had a bit of that in my marriage, but not nearly that bad. One example was, my wife asked if I wanted to bathe together one particular night. We'd done that lots before, but with a small tub it was always pretty crowded and inefficient. Well, this night she asked if I wanted to, it was pretty late, and so I was in a hurry to get to sleep for the next workday. (I was locked into my AS-routine mode, although I didn't know about AS back then.) So, since she asked my opinion, I told her. She was sad, and took it as romance leaving our marriage. It didn't matter how gently I explained the practicals, she still felt rejected.

By the way, during our biggest arguments, I'd often be on one side of a door, asking for space, while she'd be pounding on and kicking the other side. She actually damaged a couple of doors that way. But it kept happening! I'd think, embarrassed, "Here I am again, safe on one side of a door while my wife is beating on the other side for no clear reason. (Sigh.) Nice marriage." :roll:


_________________
Christianity is different than Judaism only in people's minds -- not in the Bible.


Last edited by Ragtime on 07 May 2007, 1:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Kosmonaut
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Sep 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,253

07 May 2007, 1:14 pm

they could go to a church or registry office, or get wed by elvis in vegas baby :lol:



Sopho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,859

07 May 2007, 1:15 pm

I don't ever want to get married, but I would like to have a similar relationship with someone eventually. I don't know if I could handle having someone around me/with me all the time though.



Beenthere
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,013
Location: Pa.

07 May 2007, 1:37 pm

Quote:
By the way, during our biggest arguments, I'd often be on one side of a door, asking for space, while she'd be pounding on and kicking the other side. She actually damaged a couple of doors that way. But it kept happening! I'd think, embarrassed, "Here I am again, safe on one side of a door while my wife is beating on the other side for no clear reason. (Sigh.) Nice marriage."


Wow...maybe they're distant relations? :wink:

I gave up with the door...I hid in the basement and he would yell down at me (low ceilings & spiders...he didn't like either one enough to follow me there to continue the fight thankfully)...


_________________
*Normal* is just a setting on the dryer.


Beammeup
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 28 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 135

07 May 2007, 1:55 pm

BeautyWithin wrote:
I don't think marriage is a 'large dose of togetherness'... ...We can be in the same room and in each other's presence and still do our own things...

Marriage isn't out of the question for an aspie. Just like anyone else you just have to be selective of WHO you marry. Both of you would have to have similar expectations, similar dreams and similar desires for it to work. There are other things as well- like physical attraction; how you both approach money and dealing with each other's families that come into play too.

Good advice here ... The capaltized "WHO" says it all.

So, meet "WHO" in her mind first... Then if you got a "WHO" (match), go physical. If "Physical attraction" is a hang-up for you.... Turn off the lights!! ! :) -- All got the same bodyparts I figure... Feelings, sensations and such... Don't let the thought of "marriage" hold you back. Marriage of the "mind" I say...
She'll probably need her: "tons of alone time/s two". Then you'll each have: " For Aspies like me, a seperate peace is their only peace." -- While getting a piece on occasion... :D

"Who-Who"... says the owl


_________________
Welcome to the 'Playpen'...
Serious stuff goes on too!


Ragtime
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2006
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,927
Location: Dallas, Texas

07 May 2007, 2:16 pm

Beammeup wrote:
Good advice here ... The capaltized "WHO" says it all.



Maybe I should marry the World Health Organization.


_________________
Christianity is different than Judaism only in people's minds -- not in the Bible.


Beammeup
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 28 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 135

07 May 2007, 2:20 pm

Hah! :lol: "WHO or WHO" ??

says the owl....


_________________
Welcome to the 'Playpen'...
Serious stuff goes on too!


greenblue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2007
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,896
Location: Home

07 May 2007, 10:50 pm

I also need to be alone sometimes, and not having somebody always with me all the time.
Some of the issues that it prevents me with marriage besides of the social issues are

- My room is for me only, I don't like the idea of sharing my room with anyone. I have to be alone and have the door locked in order to be able to sleep, otherwise I can't.
- Restless leg syndrome
- Having panic attacks when touched at sleep, doesn't matter if is day or night. (Big problem when having children)
- I can't go out by myself (get lost) and I can't drive (bad reflexes and motor skills). Altought that would not be too much of a problem if she is fine with it and help me with this.
- Sex, It could be a problem trying to perform while having another person in there other than just me.

I think it would be so difficult to find a woman who would be ok with all of that and being ok with sleeping in separate rooms.

All of these are also impediments when it comes to raising children.



Eclair
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Apr 2007
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 509

07 May 2007, 11:23 pm

I think it is possible to get married...but first you have to go through the step of living together...that is usually the test for both parties.

I've been married once, but I suspect I was married to a severe aspie, so it worked from a personal space point of view.

I also nearly got married a second time, but just wasn't able to give the person enough emotional care even though for the most part the personal space bit was reasonably respected.

Never, ever would I consider getting married again, or even possibly living with someone again. I just can't merge my world into someone else's completely.



calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

08 May 2007, 1:23 am

My marriage, and my other two LTRs were live in
affairs. Two of the situations were definitely with
women somewhere on the spectrum. Since both
needed time alone as much as I did, it worked out
well. The other, I'm not sure about. It was hell, in a
lot of ways.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,456
Location: Abbottistan

08 May 2007, 1:42 am

I used to need a lot of alone time, but that isn't so much the case anymore.

Tim


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


blessedmom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Apr 2007
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,701
Location: Western Canada

08 May 2007, 11:25 am

My hubby is AS. We met when he was 30. I took a while for him to get used to me in the same bed as him but he did it. And now he can't sleep if I'm not there. I had to get used to sleeping with a fan on every night (he needs the white noise) and he had to get used to the fact that I am a cover hog but we did it. You need to find a partner who likes their own time as well. The first "date" hubby and I went was a walk by the river. There were a few people there but it was quiet. We have never had a "social date" in 9 years. I think it would be important to ask the other person questions about there interests and friends and if they are all social activities and interests, look on. It is also a good idea to deal with the whole expectation issue before you get too far into any relationship. :D



wbport
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 220

17 Jul 2016, 9:31 pm

Beenthere wrote:
Hobbies...that's how my parents did it. Lots and lots of hobbies.


While I value my alone time, I have two hobbies that are much more fullfilling with occasional interaction with others who also enjoy them. While in early retirement I could do that but since going back to work, she is very jealous of my time at home. One hobby I can (kinda) do online but the other I've had to abandon since I can't commit my time (woodshedding at home, rehearsals, and performances). Hope to get back to both, but I'm not holding my breath.



lidsmichelle
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 May 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 686
Location: South-eastern Washington

18 Jul 2016, 8:10 am

It's mostly dependent on your partner. You would need to find someone who needed their space too. I know some might suggest someone who is simply understanding, but I wouldn't because while they might accept it they still may feel rejected and like you don't want to be around them.

Also for those who can afford it, regardless of whether you're the type that needs more space or not, I'd recommend separate bedrooms if you can afford it. I firmly believe that people should have their own space, and while you could share rooms whenever you want, you can also be alone when you need it. I'd never be in a relationship if it meant sharing a bedroom, sometimes I just want to be alone.

I also hate sharing a bed with another person lol, I have to share the blankets and give them space on the bed and tossing and turning and not being able to sleep might keep them up. And I hate snorers. I can't fall asleep if I can hear someone snoring.


_________________
Herein You Will Find Various And Numerous And Innumerable Hexes, Curses, Words In The Old Tongue To Cleave A’Twain Friend, Foe, Family Alike. If You So Choose. Money Hates Me, God Hates Me, My Wife Hates Me, My Own Hands Hate Me. But Thats All Beside The Point. The Point Is That My Time Here On Earth Runs Short. Im Not Dying But You All Are. Im A Glass Of Wine. Nothing Beats A Glass Of Wine. When The Kids Arent Home And Your A Mother Theres A Glass Of Wine There. A Glass Coffee Table And I’m A Glass Of Wine. Stressful Day When The Kids And you're Husband Then Glass Of Wine. Dark Chocolate Indulge. Petty Indulgences. When you're A Glass Of Wine And Let The Body’s Hit The Floor. When Your Glass Of Wine Is Running Short And You Say Heck What Of It. Why Dont I Have Another. Bartender I Am A Glass Of Wine. Bottoms Up And The Devil Laughs. The Bartender Remembers When It Happened. They All Remember When It Happened And If They Knew That You Dont Remember Then They Would Know That Something Is Awry Here Or So They Would Think. Something Would Be Amiss Or Smells Fishy. So Theyre All Relating There Stories Of Where They Were When That Event Happened And The Eyes Move Clockwise About The Room Where We All Share Our Glass Of Wine And Suddenly The Clock Ticks To You And They Ask The Fatal Question That Destroys Your Reputation, The Question You Could Never Answer, The Dead Giveaway: Where Were You When The Bodies Hit The Floor