Positive Internet Dating Advice.

Post Reply New Topic

Unfortunately I'm not Jewish so this isn't an option for me.

I'm too much a chicken when it comes to rejection to do online dating, probably irl dating too

maybe one day I'll feel better about myself, just don't see anybody wanting anything to do with me with where I am at in my life. I just feel too inadequate, that people will judge me and think bad of me.

I met my fiancee on okcupid and my friend met her boyfriend

It works for some people and for some it doesn't. Mind you i was on okcupid, pof, dateagamer, and eharmony for 2 years before I met him

How many people did you talk to before you went on a date?

What was the date Like?

Okay, let's be positive about online dating: just forget it.

Hello, DJHorton!

Perhaps I can assist you, given that I'm an online dating veteran. Much like you, I have tried to increase my efficacy and have found out several things.

The first of which is the fact that the big reason that you're getting this message "black hole" effect is due to how the site is designed. On OkCupid, the user interface works in a fairly symmetrical basis. You can message people at any point and don't need to see likes to do it. In fact, unless you're an A-lister, you'll have no idea who likes you. You just know that someone does. So, most people skip to messaging directly.

If you are a woman on OkCupid, instead of a black hole effect you'll become swarmed with messages and likes. I know this because I have several female friends on the site and it's pretty evident from a cursory glance. This means that you'll have to be very selective about who you respond to because you definitely can't respond to all of them. Some messages that would normally warrant some sort of response inevitably get lost in the mix because there's just too much.

Newer dating apps and services offer a different model. I don't particularly like Tinder and wouldn't suggest it for a serious relationship since it seems more geared towards hookups, but it does one thing right. In order to facilitate communication, both parties must match with each other. This means that there's less stuff in your inbox when communication does happen.

Fortunately, there are more relationship-oriented services that use this model. Coffee Meets Bagel is one of them. You only get one match per day, but that means that you have a better chance of success than if you were one in a sea of hundreds. The only downside to that service is that you can't select for interests, which is a really important factor to me. There is an app/site called Dragonfruit which is particularly suited for geeks like myself, but the app needs more QA (I honestly can't believe they released it in its current state) and I'll probably just end up using the site in the meantime.

I'd also like to note that Coffee Meets Bagel actually has some really good dating tips, which I wish I knew earlier. It includes things like gauging interest from text messages, when to advance in relationship stages, and so on. I wouldn't take their advice as literal 100% absolute dictums, but they're helpful guidelines.

So, to summarize, go for a site/app that does a "curation" model that requires the parties to match before communication can begin. Unless your profile is the absolute best, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle otherwise.

Thanks for the reply EMU, ever got a good response from OK Cupid?

I like bugs! I've been to the Montreal Insectarium several times (they're entirely re-doing it in the next couple of years and it will be EVEN BIGGER!) and to the Butterfly Conservatory in Kitchener (they have a gorgeous greenhouse full of various species of butterflies and beetles you can walk through). I have specimens of a rhinoceros beetle, a praying mantis, and a stick insect, as well as several butterflies on the wall in my livingroom. I hope to add a cicada to my collection soon.
The Bugs Alive museum sounds awesome. Too bad it's on the other side of the world from me. But I'm living proof that a woman can like bugs!

Don't bother

Seriously. They're not very good for men or women.. low success rate for myself and most people I know.

The biggest problem with online dating is not getting people to go on dates with you. It's not having the date be super awkward and never happen again.

Online dating creates an odd situation where you feel like you have to form an instant connection on the first date before you've had much a chance to get to know the other person. Then when it doesn't happen quickly enough, you never hear from them again or get rejected (or you reject them). I've had this happen many times.

Then there's the problem of everyone wanting someone who is perfect because they can always just move onto the next profile if you're not up to scratch.

It's pretty much just a waste of time.

Thanks guys for all the help, you have given me lots of food for thought.

I'll probably have people jump down my throat to tell me this approach doesn't work, its a waste of time and such.

But I would advise browsing profiles in your vicinity like people who live close enough you could potentially meet them in person. Then send personalized messages to anyone who really sticks out as someone you may like, tell them what you like about their profile, perhaps strike up some conversation about one of the interests they list or something like that rather than something impersonal that you could easily send to anyone like 'hi' or 'whats up.'


I can't say such a thing would work within any set amount of time, but you never know what can happen if you don't try.