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OdysseusNemo
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21 Sep 2016, 6:45 pm

Hi everyone. I'm new here :)

Wanted to ask a question. I've read that a lot of aspie women put a lot more effort into fitting into society than guys and as a result don't get noticed as AS as much as guys. Like in this article:

http://www.lifeonthespectrum.net/blog/?page_id=1906

"[W]omen are naturally more skilled at social interaction than men, and so tend to be better at overcoming and/or hiding autism-related issues, and our symptoms are often much less evident – at least on the outside. We are also often more interested in learning how to ‘get on’, and some of us spend enormous amounts of time, money and effort trying to match our clothes, our interests, and/or our style of interaction, to those around us in an attempt to fit in."

I definitely identify with this... I "role-play" as neurotypical in IRL if I don't know people and it works kinda well. If this rings a bell for others here could I please ask what it's like for you? Is role-playing to fit in easy or exhausting? Does it work for you? Do you find yourself blurring your personality to get along with different kinds of people?

Not looking for right or wrong answers. :-)


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Nazma
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13 Oct 2016, 9:11 am

Hey I'm new here too. Where do you live?

I find it really difficult to fit in but when I don't know people, it's much easier to role play. I think I mange to role play for about 2 days when I can no longer maintain it. I find im really exhausted by the end of the day wheb Iv been trying to pretend I'm normal. People seem to like me so much initially and then in very little time, I just become weird. As a result, I find working with people incredibly hard.

How is it for you?



Amity
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20 Oct 2016, 3:46 pm

I'm beginning to think everyone is role playing to an extent, its a more natural process for some women, while others have to develop it as a skill.



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20 Oct 2016, 4:13 pm

It doesn't come naturally to me and I have not developed it as a skill.

Probably too late now for me to change this.


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Sweetleaf
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20 Oct 2016, 4:19 pm

I've never learned to fit in really.


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hurtloam
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20 Oct 2016, 4:23 pm

I refused to roll play as a child and teenager. I would dress like I wanted and say what I wanted. I think that had a lot to do with the way I was brought up. My parents are both from very strong willed families. We do what we want. I did not understand why other kids didn't like me and I didn't see the need to change my behaviour or realise that I could change.

Strangely enough I was also brought up to be polite and hard working, so teachers loved me. But I didn't fit in with my peers. I did manage to make a group of odd friends. None of us dressed like the regular kids and we didn't really care. We weren't goths or anything, we were just super frumpy.

I actually felt superior in a way because I wasn't shallow like the mainstream kids... Oh my word! I've just realised I was a hipster lol.

I only started to change because I ended up hurting someone I really cared about. Before that I would just bulldoze through and say whatever I thought was true regardless of tact.

When it dawned on me that my words actually matter and can have an impact on another person I became more cautious about what I said. I also began to realise that it was OK for other people to have different opinions to me. I was in my mid 20s.

I'm not sure when I started to dress differently. It must have been about 6 years ago. I started to look more stylish. I deliberately select clothes that will make me look more attractive. That's a self confidence issue. Maybe if I look nice people will like me.

It is tiring because I'm always very careful about what I buy. What's the best looking thing for the least amount of money?

I always overthink what I say. To the point where i keep my mouth shut more often now. I don't get close to people now because I'm not so open.

Actually what attracted me to my last crush is that He's so like me before I realised what tact was. He says exactly what I'm thinking and I find that very amusing. Things I've lost the courage to say.



AnodyneInsect
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25 Nov 2016, 8:40 am

I spent a good deal of time trying to be super normal so I would fit in. I wasn't frilly though and didn't wear makeup. Since my interests were not mainstream at the time (in the 70s it was not cool to be a Star Wars fan or admit you as a girl were into bugs) I did my best to keep my mouth shut. No matter how I try people always knew I was weird. I just couldn't get into sqealing over boys or male actors. I would have rather worn the Roman armor not made out with the actor. Even though my interests are now supposedly cool, I have spent so many years trying to push them down that I feel like an imposter and too old to be into that. Also feminists have the tendency to think I am being some kind of brave trailblazer because I am into "boy things" this is both sexist and annoys me to no end. I still have a secret stash of toys in my indoor cactus garden. I have annoyed people I hung out with trying to model my behavior on theirs and currently only have my boyfriend and family in my life. Most of my family don't want me around and I am at the point in my life where even though it may be neat to have friends I am sick and tired of most people playing cruel mind games and manipulating me to take advantage of my kindness. Most people in my age group have kids and goto church or temple. I cannot understand either obsession and have been labeled by Christian and Jewish women as a pervert. I cannot begin to understand this, I don't even like sex and dress very plainly and modestly.



Auroras
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17 Dec 2016, 6:52 pm

I spent a lot of my childhood/teenage years trying to fit in, to be "normal". I felt like I couldn't be accepted if I didn't roleplay as a NT but it never really worked out in the end and it's been a source of great anxiety. It feels hard to find yourself when you've spent a lot of your life trying to modify your personality to fit a certain standard but I've been slowly working towards it the last few years. I want to form regular human connections so I still feel like I roleplay to a certain extent and I suppose everyone needs to, at least a little, but I'm trying to keep boundaries so I don't slip into faking my personality anymore. I hope that makes sense. :'D

I think the roleplay aspect has made me a lot more introverted and lonely than I would rather be, it's just so much more tiring to be around people when you're showing a tiny portion of yourself and hiding the other parts.



lostonearth35
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08 Feb 2017, 12:48 pm

When I was a teenager I stuck out like a sore thumb and was teased and bullied constantly because of it. I used to ask my mom why I was so different, and neither she nor anyone else knew the answer since Asperger's would go on being unrecognized until the mid-90's, and even then I wouldn't be diagnosed yet. I just wanted to be accepted, I didn't want to fit in, and if I tried it felt about as natural and enjoyable as walking around on my elbows.

I couldn't even begin to try and fit in. Why would I want to fit in with everyone else anyway, just look at the way "everyone else" acts. I'm not in school anymore, I'm an adult and I live on my own so I'm pretty much allowed to be myself, which is how everyone should be.



SupahPossum
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09 Feb 2017, 6:03 am

As a child I never fitted in, and originally I tried to fit in by adopting personas that fit with what the other kids were. I copied what they did, liked what they liked. It was exhausting, but I managed to make a couple of friends and for a while I was only bullied occasionally instead of every day as before. Then I hit my teens, went to high school and thought, 'the heck with it'. I was myself, and for a while had very little in the way of friends, but as time passed, I ended up friends with other misfits like me and we stuck together in our weirdness.

Once I'd left school and entered the workplace, I found that once again I was required to conform to a personality that wasn't me, and so new personas had to be formed, which again was exhausting. I hated pretending to be this person just so I could fit into their ideas of what a person should be. My last job was extremely hard on me, I was having to maintain a very difficult persona that went against most of who I am and I hated it. I became ill, had a shoulder injury and as the real me slipped out, they began to pick on me and bully me in the workplace. I was in my 30s, being bullied by a woman older than me and it was awful. I got sicker and sicker, until I ended up being made redundant due to so much time off sick.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I no longer had to pretend to be someone I was not. I ditched the annoying work clothes that felt like I was wearing tightly binding itchy hessian sacks, and could wear what I felt comfortable in. I didn't have to censor every single word, or pretend to be interested in other people's boring lives. It was very freeing, and I refuse to go back to the person I was before. I refuse to wear a persona for someone else's comfort. I am me, and if they don't like it, they can get stuffed ;)



the_phoenix
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12 Feb 2017, 10:32 pm

I don't know how to fit in.



burnt_orange
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13 Feb 2017, 10:04 am

I pretend but then people just think that I'm very boring. I haven't developed a good character, I suppose. I just do it to get by in social situations where I don't really care about the people, they're strangers I'll never see again, or they're people at the grocery store or something. The real me doesn't talk about the weather lol.



MissAlgernon
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13 Feb 2017, 10:12 am

I agree with the OP, globally, although I don't believe that we have more interest in fitting in than men, we've just been pushed to fit in more.
Personally, I didn't try to pass as NT before, and I was regularly victim of verbal, physical and sexual assaults when I was little, to the point where I was forced to learn faking being NT for my physical integrity. Which I've done to this day. It doesn't work perfectly, but it does work, at least to some extent.



Hippygoth
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13 Feb 2017, 2:39 pm

I do role-play, yes. I've always loved performing and find that I can pull off all sorts of personas in order to get through a social situation such as going in to a shop. I can't do it for long though, as it's exhausting. And sometimes I forget how I did it the first time and so it goes wrong if I have to repeat the performance.

I couldn't do it all day long, at work for example. That would be a job on top of the actual job.

When I was a child and a teenager I didn't do it - I was the school freak and more or less all right with that. I didn't want to fit in and be like everyone else, because almost everyone else was cruel. Now as an adult it's different - most of my interactions are surface only, and I never find out if someone's cruel underneath. I like to get along with people on a surface level, and if that means playing a part then that's fine - I'm good at it.



Edna3362
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14 Feb 2017, 10:29 am

I could role-play and play pretend as a child. I COULD mimic, but I wouldn't.

But I never, and almost never did apply it in real life. I never truly tried to fit in or hide my differences, even if I was swarming with bullies and nay sayers. I never tried to pass and hide, I fought back. Aggressively that is.
Last I ever had desired to fit in and tried, it made anything worse for myself and driven myself into isolation. I would've hated myself and everyone if I had persist the path of fitting in.

The only thing that ever 'switches' my 'self' is my mood. :| An extension of myself that changes by situation, but never touches the core. Not some pre-planned rehearsal that eventually puts me into some state of identity crisis. Sorry about the tone, but really... I respect anyone's choice, but I choose not to do the same.

In other words, I don't fit in to this kind of female aspie archetype.



Yet I do, seriously, sometimes wonder why I didn't when most female aspies did before or after diagnosis, or at all. Was it because of having more anger than fear? Less being a victim, and more of being an avenger? :?
Would I never or at least would take WAY longer for me to recover from anxiety and depression if I had chose to fit in?

Regardless, I don't regret it. :lol: And I hope for others too.


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