Peak of a breakdown

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No question or topic as such, I just can't switch off at the moment and I needed to post.

I have known this was coming for a while now. I'm generally depressed but every now and again it (plus my HFA) 'flairs up' and makes it harder for me to function. It's had a slow build this time, emotional/relationship difficulties, new term at uni and sudden changes of plan being the catalysts. For weeks now I've been distant, listless, weak, and unable to pretend I am not depressed, which I usually just about manage. I can tell this breakdown is about to reach some kind of peak or climax. In the past this has been psychosis or shutdown. I can't stop it, nothing is working, I can't stop it, I can't stop it any more.

That last little illusion of control over my emotional state is disappearing. I tried to ask for help today but I didn't get it; in fact I just felt worse because the person told me how my mental illness made them feel bad. I can't stop crying, I can't pretend I'm OK. I can't sleep and I haven't been eating, I was trying to wear myself out so I could just have a break but my mind is wired and it won't let me rest. All the same I'm physically weak and I know I'm doing damage to myself. I'm scared I'll have visual hallucinations again, or I'll freak out at work or uni and really mess things up for myself.

It's too intense, I can't stop it.

Are you taking any psych meds You mentioned psychosis & having visual hallucinations. You really need to talk about this with a psych. You could be suffering from something like a psychotic depression. I've had that before.

I don't take any meds. I've never told my doctor about my hallucinations and I don't have a therapist/psych at the moment although I'm working on that one; mental health resources aren't great where I am but I've reached out and I'm waiting to hear back. I never told anybody about seeing things for fear of what might happen to me; maintaining my independence is a constant struggle and I can't risk losing the freedoms I have, or the confidences of people who have given me those freedoms.

I've been diagnosed formally with depression, I agree that I am actually suffering psychotic depression. I know I need to talk to someone, but I don't know what will happen to me if I do.

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. In the UK there is a charity called Mind

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
0300 123 3393 (weekdays 9am - 6pm)

Or Saneline
http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/helpline/

They can offer confidential advice. Maybe the outcome of admitting the hallucinations will be less awful than it might seem. They can maybe offer some reassurance or help you phrase how to explain what you're going through to your GP to get the right help.

Thanks Hurtloam.

I'm reluctant to contact Mind, they have facilities in my town but I had a bad experience with them a few years ago when I felt much worse than I do now. Long story short I phoned them because things had gotten so bad I felt suicidal. They told me they had fortnightly group meetings I could attend on Thursdays, and hung up the phone!

I could/should call the anonymous helplines though, for practical advice if nothing else. You're probably right, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to admit my hallucinations. But I just imagine my work or my study being taken away from me, and that's just as scary as hallucinating...

Thanks for your reply

Woah, that's some rubbish support from Mind.

Maybe the Samaratins would be better.

I hate talking in the phone, so I haven't tried any of these myself.

I tried Samaritans too (it was a rough day lol ), as others have commented I didn't find them too helpful because they have a script. It's hard to believe somebody cares when their responses are scripted, especially for the cynical amongst us.

I'm not a fan of talking on the phone either, I think I could give Mind or Sane a go though on the national helplines, they at least have to be better than my local branch . I just need to know the processes for dealing with a person with psychosis/hallucinations before I confide in anyone official, so I suppose for practical advice if not emotional support, those numbers might be able to help me.

Logically I'm sure my fears of being medicated or locked away are exaggerated, not least because my town is awful at doing anything about mental health. Last year a boy tried to commit himself to the psychiatric ward because he was going to hurt himself, and was turned away because he didn't fit the criteria. The hospital is right by the railway tracks; he just walked out of the building and threw himself in front of a train.