New phase of depression?

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I've been feeling awful the past three weeks or so. My psychologist diagnosed me with moderate (borderline severe) depression recently and the depression has affected all areas of my life. I've been doing bad for years but I haven't done this bad in a very long time (since before I was diagnosed with AS). Anyway, I've barely been to university in three weeks, I've had a hard time eating properly and I can't be bothered to cook, clean, do laundry, do the dishes etc. Over the past few weeks I've been crying a lot for no reason, I've been very anxious, I've thought about suicide, felt extremely low, and things like that. It's been really bad.

This past week has been different though. I haven't felt sad and extremely low all the time. Instead I've felt "bleh"/"ugh" pretty much all the time (with some sadness and feelings of depression from time to time) and I feel like I just don't want to do anything or see anyone or talk to anyone or care about anything. I don't feel like giving a s**t about anything. I have managed to attend compulsory things at university for a couple of hours each day (but I don't want to go and I'd stay at home if it wasn't compulsory) but other than that I mostly just feel like staying in bed. I've thought a lot about suicide this past week too. More than during the weeks when I was extremely low all the time. I mostly just feel like life's meaningless and that I don't care about any of it. So, to sum it up: this past week I haven't felt super low (some exceptions though) but I've felt very "bleh" and indifferent towards things. Like I can't care about things properly and like I don't even freaking want to care. And I've been thinking about offing myself and how I'd go about that (even though I still feel like it's not something I particularly want).

I don't understand if I'm still depressed or if I'm just being lazy or something. Since I seem to not be as low as I was before, I keep thinking I'm probably not sick. I keep comparing myself to how I felt a couple of weeks ago and compared to that, feeling "bleh" and not caring about anything seems like an improvement. At the same time I'm not sure it really is an improvement. My problems aren't solved, nothing is really different, and life is still just as meaningless.

Is this some kind of new phase of my depression? I keep questioning my diagnosis every time I find myself feeling "bleh" rather than super low and that makes me anxious.

Can anyone relate to this? I realise this post might be stupid but...I don't know...all my thoughts are quite confusing right now.

I can totally relate to how you're feeling; your first paragraph could have been written about me a couple of years ago.

I think there is another level or incarnation of depression where you feel numb (as you say 'bleh'); not even actively sad anymore, just empty. Perhaps it is because you're emotionally exhausted from feeling sad and crying all the time. Perhaps it is because whatever indefinable thing that was making you sad is now making you empty; depression is like that, you feel alienated from your own emotions. I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest to fix it, but I wanted you let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I tend to fluctuate between these states of depression, the numb and the despairing; like you say, feeling 'bleh' makes you feel a little guilty or self-doubting, but in my experience it isn't laziness, it is a disconnection from all aspects of your life (including your own mind and feelings) that leaves you feeling emotionless, and like their isn't a point to anything.

I know it's hard to make yourself do anything in this state, but do you exercise at all? I find working out helps a lot of the time, although I have had occasions where I get 'anti-endorphins' and working out makes me cry .

Okay, for some reason I can't post the reply I just typed. It says I'm blocked when I try to post it. Trying if this reply works instead (not sure why it would?).

EDIT: Weird. Tried changing my reply but it just said I was blocked again. Anyone know what's going on? I guess I'll wait a while and post a reply later, rachey. Please bear with me.