HOW TO HANDLE MY AUTISTIC TEEN THAT REFUSES TO GO TO SCHOOL

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My 15 year old son's anxiety is so great that he has trouble going to school on a daily basis. He is in 9th grade in a public school and I have a lot of help set up for him. I have an IEP that gives him direct access to several people in school at any time to talk to if he feels anxiety. That is just one of several things offered for him. He is high functioning autism. He is on anxiety medication and sees a psychiatrist as well. He has been diagnosed through his doctor and school with educational and emotional disabilities that fall under the spectrum, including PDD-NOS. His anxiety gets so high that it physically hurts him. He gets severe stomach issues from it. It is hard to tell whether it is his anxiety or his GI issues that I am currently trying to get a diagnosis on if he has Chron's disease. I really believe him when he tells me he wants to get to school but his belly hurts. He has a major problem of when he feels bad with just a belly ache that he says he has to shut down and he will not go to school for a week because of it. The school is working with me and trying to just get him in the building and not even go to class at this point. He is due next to have a behavior assessment done with him because I think it is another step I have to go through for the possibility of him going to a special school. Last year in 8th grade he attended an alternative school that also gave him group and individual therapy with medication management which he did well in. But that wasn't a permanent school to attend. He had to transition back to normal school. Another big thing I am struggling with is DO I PUNISH HIM FOR NOT EVEN ATTEMPTING TO GO? I have been reading that punishment will make the situation worse. Sometimes making the child feel like he has nothing in life and it could even lead it to suicide because the child feels like there is nothing left if I take his phone or playstation time. I hear that could be his only comfort in life right now. I know my son better then anyone and I can tell he is not being a stubborn teenager that doesn't want to go. I see it in his eyes many times when he tells me he just can't do it. It's hard to remember that he is special needs and this has to be handled differently then the "old school" way years ago where you tell your kid to go or he is punished. Any suggestions is greatly appreciated.

With problems as big as his - especially the severe anxiety, I would seriously consider online school or homeschooling if at all possible.

My anxiety got pretty bad in elementary school, and when I switched to homeschooling it vastly improved.

I was thinking the same thing.

Or maybe an online high school? That might actually be better.

There's a kid here, named Ezra, who is 16 years old, autistic, and sometimes has difficulty attending school. He sometimes "goes" to an online high school. At present, though, he is in a special school for autistic kids.

In my area, you can now go to online public school and get all of the services you would get in a regular school - IEP and all.

Online schooling will be something that I can suggest. There is also another school in my area that they call a "non public school" But his IEP team told me that he has to attempt at the public school with his current IEP and basically not be able to go or to fail at this IEP for them to be able to make a new IEP suggesting this non public school and for my county school system to cover the cost. I looked into it and it seems to be a good fit. They prepare the high schooler for adulthood as well as schooling for his education. They also have therapist time too in a school setting with alot less kids there. They have activities too but nothing like the public school as far as him being able to play sports and stuff. But at this point, that isn't important right now if he can't even go to school.

Having had my share of school avoidance, the idea about online classes sounds great. Also, depending on your son's attention spans, could he do some class work, then get some time for gaming, then back again? Putting reward time closer to his completion of class work makes it a more immediate and achievable goal.

Nobody with anxiety means to behave in the ways that they do. It sounds like you avoid criticism. Good. At your son's age, he should begin learning to budget his own time. Make him partner in his schedule planning. Keep his school teachers and administrators doing their bit to help him. Maybe they can find classes that he is interested in.

Good luck in any case.

Thank you for the posts from those who already replied to me. Does anyone have any suggestions as far as the punishment part? From what I read, I'm learning that punishments aren't the greatest idea and not helpful.

I don't think he should be punished for not wanting to go or refusing to go. Anxiety is a horrible feeling and punishing him for the behavior that's a result of the anxiety is basically invalidating his feelings.

I don't feel you should punish your son; like you said, it's not like he's being a "stubborn teenager."

Another vote for no punishment. Schools tend to be a sensory hell, which compounds all regular issues.

I think punishing him would only make it worse for him. You can't punish anxiety out of someone. Anxiety is very real.

I would say the "no punishment" route is recommended unanimously.

He needs understanding more than anything else.

I also vote for no punishment.

I think you have to explain why education is important and (in many areas) a legal responsibility for parents...

I don't mean to be insulting by spelling out the obvious, but sometimes when things are so well understood, people forget to rethink them when circumstances change--so it might be good to think through what punishment is for. The basic idea is that you expose the person being punished to some unpleasant stimulus with the promise that this will happen again if they fail to behave in the desired way.

For this to be effective, the unpleasant experience being used as punishment has to be worse than the experience that is causing the unwanted behavior in the first place. In the case of this extreme anxiety about school, you would have to create an experience as punishment that is worse to go through than a day at school. Do you really want to go there? Is that even possible to do without poisoning your relationship?

Lastly, the efficacy of any given punishment is inevitably unknown. You run the risk of inflicting pain on someone you love and achieving nothing of value. Best to save this only for those situations where life, limb or legal status are in question. If you need to drive home the absolute importance of not doing something illegal or dangerous, that's a good time, otherwise I think talking it through and demonstrating disapproval is more likely to be effective.

I am reading every reply. Thank you everyone!