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GodzillaWoman
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10 Oct 2016, 1:45 am

I've been looking forward to going to my Mom's to celebrate Thanksgiving with her and her partner (late November in the United States). It's my favorite holiday, and we normally just hang around, play games, and talk (and eat).

Now Mom tells me that my brother is coming. This is the same conservative Christian brother that I had a massive argument with a few months ago, in which he insulted my transgender wife on my Facebook page, insulted me in a series of increasingly nasty posts, and then outed my wife's transgender status. I've cut off contact with him ever since, partly because I'm tired of his obnoxious, insulting behavior, and partly to prevent him from revealing any other private information to my friends and coworkers on Facebook.

Now he's coming to Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, which I don't want to skip, because Mom's just getting over cancer surgery. I don't want to get in a fight with him but I don't want to be bullied by him either. I've been thinking of just ignoring him or leaving the room when he gets toxic, but the whole thing is stressing me out. My other brother used to just leave the room at holidays (they never got along) but that brother is dead now. My mom has always tried to patch things up in the family, usually by having us all apologize to the obnoxious brother without receiving any apologies or improvement in behavior.

I'm not going to let him bully me anymore. Any suggestions on how to keep my blood pressure down? and not throttle him?


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C2V
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10 Oct 2016, 2:59 am

If you've all made your opposing positions clear, and no one is interested in discussion or changing their positions, all they want to do is start a fight - when dealing with my own anti-LGBT relatives I have simply and calmly declared this off-limits. I'll amiably talk to them about other topics, but will not discuss queer topics. If they bring it up and try to start sh!t, I just repeat it calmly and clearly - no, that is a queer topic, I will not discuss this with you.
This ends up an agreement. You don't have to discuss that topic with that person.
If he is unable to do even that much and it makes you or your wife too uncomfortable (if she is going or not) maybe you can organize a dinner to see your mother independently, without him being there. Because I agree with you – it's best to keep things civil with relatives, but that doesn't mean you and your wife deserve to be insulted by him without challenge.


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10 Oct 2016, 3:31 am

C2V wrote:
If you've all made your opposing positions clear, and no one is interested in discussion or changing their positions, all they want to do is start a fight - when dealing with my own anti-LGBT relatives I have simply and calmly declared this off-limits. I'll amiably talk to them about other topics, but will not discuss queer topics. If they bring it up and try to start sh!t, I just repeat it calmly and clearly - no, that is a queer topic, I will not discuss this with you.
This ends up an agreement. You don't have to discuss that topic with that person.
If he is unable to do even that much and it makes you or your wife too uncomfortable (if she is going or not) maybe you can organize a dinner to see your mother independently, without him being there. Because I agree with you – it's best to keep things civil with relatives, but that doesn't mean you and your wife deserve to be insulted by him without challenge.


^^^ :heart:



GodzillaWoman
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10 Oct 2016, 6:34 pm

I forgot to mention that my wife is not coming, and I certainly can't blame her. She already had a good reason -- she's physically disabled and travel is very hard on her.

His religion is really just a new excuse for old, bad behavior. He's always picked a controversial position and then insulted everyone who doesn't agree. When he was a teen, he took drugs and ran off to a commune, railed about the Vietnam War and the "Establishment." When he got old, he got into conservative talk shows like Rush Limbaugh, and started railing about Liberals (Mom and Dad were moderate Liberals. I'm more toward the Left). Then he got religion and "saw the light," and flies into a fury if anybody objects to being called a sinner or even questions his beliefs to find out what they are, and takes every opportunity to insult everyone's politics and life choices. When my other brother got a divorce, the religious brother insulted him for "abandoning" his kids, which he had not--they got together every other week.

I have a feeling I'm going to be putting on my head phones a LOT. La la la la, I can't hear you :P


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Noca
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11 Oct 2016, 5:55 pm

If you don't have a benzo script like ativan or something, ask your doctor for a 1 off prescription just for that day so you can remained chilled out. If he is in a conversation with you and he starts foaming out the mouth with his usual hate, just ignore him. When he is done speaking, just say, " Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something?". Just make it clear that no one cares what he has to say. I certainly wouldn't even bother engaging him in any conversation, nothing intelligible is going to come out of his mouth, certainly nothing worth listening to by the way you describe him. Eventually people like him will get tired of nobody listening to him and shut up.

Putting on your headphones are great too. Insults are useless if they fall on deaf ears. They only end up making the person throwing out the insults to look like an idiot talking to themselves.



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12 Oct 2016, 2:16 pm

I hope it'll turn out OK Godzilla Woman, and that you can keep your brother from spoiling the holiday by shutting out any attempt to introduce topics which would launch him into obnoxiousness. Don't give him an opportunity to, if possible. Go out for a walk or something if he starts anything. If this isn't possible, like at night, just pretend he doesn't exist.


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GodzillaWoman
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17 Oct 2016, 10:28 am

Noca wrote:
If you don't have a benzo script like ativan or something, ask your doctor for a 1 off prescription just for that day so you can remained chilled out. If he is in a conversation with you and he starts foaming out the mouth with his usual hate, just ignore him. When he is done speaking, just say, " Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something?". Just make it clear that no one cares what he has to say. I certainly wouldn't even bother engaging him in any conversation, nothing intelligible is going to come out of his mouth, certainly nothing worth listening to by the way you describe him. Eventually people like him will get tired of nobody listening to him and shut up.

Putting on your headphones are great too. Insults are useless if they fall on deaf ears. They only end up making the person throwing out the insults to look like an idiot talking to themselves.


Hmmm, hadn't thought about the meds. I've got Klonapin, is that as good as benzodiazepine? However, Klonapin puts me to sleep. Which might not be a bad thing.

It's too bad, he used to be a pretty cool guy when I was a kid.


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