I woke up in the middle of the night hearing the long range sonic pitch of "Are you ready" repeated throughout the entire time I was awake that night. I went under my blanket fearing a visual hallucination, but i kept hearing it. I think it was a bird on the roof doing its morning call but i interpreted it as so.
I also had exploding head syndrome once, my dream half awake and askeep was a cat being raped by a giant green body without a head. The cat dispersed into huge size as the penis thrusts through, the location was the twin towers. I started to hear echos of a screeching cat, the screams came closer, closer and closer into the loudest thing I could ever hear in my life. I woke up in sleep paralysis again, saw a small girl pretty much.
My thought after this was that these thing were inspired by my daily life of routinely viewing entertainment shows and some regrets I had at a younger age.
Last year I would abuse the baby cats in my yard, it was like seduction. I'm a jelous boy and felt too in love with it I could barely control myself. This wasn't the first time as well, I did a whole lot of things to sentient animals to channel my irritation at an even younger age. Maybe it is sexual fustration and I see emotions as a form of trust or approval.
Up to now I got a few anger issues and pushed myself to act anti social to stop behaving like a total ret*d. This leaned to what they call intermitten explosive disorder, I know other kids with the same problems but shown it earlier than me even though I knew I could be like that. I also think life transitions and these things are common, but a year worth to me is a month to me thats not normal. I only remember old stuff by external stimulis associations. I'm trying to discover common associative patterns of pathological behaviour right now. I can barely pay attention anymore, I am impulsively impatient with anxiety behind my back all day. Maybe its just a bad ego stressing me out.
13 Oct 2016, 5:11 pm
