Bad encounter with my mom has me down

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I've taken up painting again after fifteen years, and for my first I had always wanted to make a copy of my favorite painting, Van Gogh's "Noon: Rest from Work." I was really proud of it, and showed her a picture of it this evening. Big mistake.

She look at it, and said, "It's good but you should paint something original." I couldn't believe it. After all this time, after all that I've been through with my mom, my anxiety and depression, and she goes and says that. It triggered a lifetime of bad memories. Of her yelling at me until I was in tears when I brought home grades that weren't to her liking, or didn't make my bed. Once, she slapped me for not toweling off enough and leaving the bathroom carpet wet.

Our relationship has improved in recent years, but then she does this. She saw how I was hurt, and she dug in, saying "I'm sorry I just thing you should do something original and not painting copies." Then she pulled out an old trick...make it MY fault, saying "I'm sorry you're mad, " and then complaining how everyone is mad at her. Bad enough she criticizes my painting, but then it's MY fault because I'm upset at her for it.

It brought everything back. All those memories of relationships that failed and friendships that failed and people I didn't approach because I thought I wasn't good enough. I get so mad at her for so royally f*cking me up by making me think I was bad. I feel like I was robbed of a normal life in some ways, because now I'm too old to change. The idea that anyone could love me feels unimaginable to me. The prospect of dating terrifies me because I all the love I've known has been predicated on me doing the right things. I never was worthy of love on my own. I'm just so frustrated. And now I can't look at that painting I was so proud of....

That looks really great Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to say that you're talented enough to paint originals if you wanted to, but you really should do what brings joy to you, particularly since you haven't painted in so long. It would be a true shame to get discouraged and abandon it again due to this incident.

Given your history with your mother, if you want to keep her in her life, but not want to be hurt again or re-live the past, it might be a good idea not to share such personal things with her and never, either directly or indirectly, ask or expect approval or praise from her. Play it safe and keep your interactions at a more superficial level. My own experience with toxic people from my past is that you can patch things up to some extent, but never really let your guard down again or rebuilt trust that was utterly compromised.

Sorry man, that's a really great copy, if we lived on the same continent I'd get it off your hands any time!

My mom destroyed my creations too. Once I brought something I was particularly proud of and as she picked up my papers, she also picked up a pen! And on line 2 she was shaking her head no and saying "That's not right."

Your painting is wonderful. It is not only an excellent copy, it has a life of its own. I don't know how you're going to do it but you've got to separate from your mother, especially emotionally.

I once read about our family contracts. The article said to write it out. I was writing, "When you suffer, I will suffer." Well, once I saw it then I could change it. Maybe you could have a try?

This would be great therapist territory.

If I didn't believe this, I wouldn't say it: I think your painting looks great. You should continue with your artwork.

I'm sorry your mum is a cow. I dunno about you, but it's like when my arty side comes out, it's from the heart, and any criticism hurts. It sounds corny but that's how it feels for me personally. I find my arty side really hard to release too. The last time I tried was with an ex, who had a massive go at me when I showed him a drawing from when I was six. It's like some people want to keep you down, there's no need for people to be mean about it. Your mother sounds toxic.

My mother once did something similar with me. I had written a story, and it was pretty obvious that it was based on a novel I had read. Based, but not copied. She said I should try to write something totally original.

In many many other ways, she criticized me at the vulnerable spots. I never became estranged from her, but I got to a point where I never shared anything with any feeling associated with it.

I hope I never did anything like this with my own children.

That's pretty darn good, Brian.

You're a person of refined talent.

Thanks all for the kind words. I know the painting is nothing at all being just a copy. But dammit it meant something to me.

I just don't know. there is no way to escape the reproach. I just yearn to have one person in my life who loves me for me, and whose approval isn't predicated upon something. Instead I have a mom who can't say a sentence about a painting without offering criticism.

And you know what's worse is a documentary I wrote is premiering in St. Louis in a few weeks, at the Art Museum there. My sister lives in Saint Louis, and works just three miles from where the screening is being held, and she says she can't make it because of work. Really? I told her a month before when this screening would be. She can't take a long lunch break? f**k her. f**k them all.

I want a new family.

OOOH Brian, I don't blame you! I'd want a different family too.

My family of origin is so screwed up, it's a wonder none of us ever ended up in jail. I've already mentioned my mother. My aspie father was very distant, incapable of understanding the emotional support needs of his kids and wife. I'm estranged from two sisters and my own son. I want a different family!!

The ray of hope in all this is I am now married (2nd marriage) to a wonderful, loving, accepting man. Please don't give up on finding the right person to treasure you.

What is your documentary on?

That is very impressive! What part of the writing did you do - the script? Anyway, it looks excellent and you should be proud of it.

You know, we often have to remind ourselves that our family members' (and other peoples') behaviors say more about them than they say about us. Maybe your sister feels very insecure in her work status, or has a hard time putting personal needs before work needs. On the other hand, maybe she will be jealous of the good work you do, so she doesn't want to expose herself to that. Either way, it's really a commentary on her more than it is a commentary on you, so try not to be hurt by it.

Your painting looks really good. You definitely draw/paint a lot better than I do, that's for sure! Sorry about your mom being so critical though. That really sucks. Just be proud of the effort you've put into your painting and don't mind what other people think. My father also tends to be extremely critical when it comes to my writings and he says that my writings are too dark and depressing a la Law and Order: SVU. Honestly at this point I just don't care anymore. No matter what he says I'm not going to stop writing what I want to write. And I think you should continue painting whatever you'd want to paint and maybe someday if you want to you can even make your own works. Just keep practicing is what I'd say.