i will only post jokes that i made up myself.
here is a short collection of them. some are funnier than others.
__________________________________________________________________________
I might go to the deed poll office and have my name changed to “john doe”
That way, if they find my dead body somewhere and it is never identified, at least I’ll have the correct name on my headstone.
_________
I reckon that everyone is just "lip syncing" to everything they say.
_______________
i never respond to people calling out to me from a distance.
if i hear someone shout "hey mark ! !!", i think considering the odds of being called "mark" in a world of 7 billion people are enough to calculate that there are about 8 million "marks" in the world, then the odds are 1/8,000,000 that they are referring to me, so those odds are too low to make me bother to turn my head.
___________
i bought some chutney for my sausages yesterday, and i got the top off and tore off the seal, and then i read the label.
it said "warning! do not use if seal is broken"! !! !!.
i wish i had read that before i broke the seal ! !! !.
___________
saw a thing on the news this afternoon that was talking about how people are not getting enough sleep these days.
blah...blahh... but one woman said "we mother's can only dream of getting enough sleep"
well they must get at least enough sleep to have that dream.
______________
an oyster may dream of being a queen
but it aint gonna never f****n happen.
down the throat of an idiot it goes and
there's no body that is clappin'
__________
i saw an AD on TV while playing a game, and the sound on the TV was turned down, but there was a banner on it that said "do your bit to end hunger now", so i went to the burger shop and got a steak sandwich with egg and cheese and extra onions.
___________
i got a bottle of medication today, but they sold me the wrong bloody thing!! on the label, it says "pharmacist only medication", and since i am not a pharmacist, i can not take it.
i will have to take it back and complain.
__________
god times move fast.
first there was the advent of "selfies" and then apparatus started to appear that accommodated taking selfies, and one of them is a "selfie stick"
but if one has a lewd mind, or heard that term in the 1970's, they would presume that a "selfie stick" was a vibrator.
__________
there is always some angle i can see to dismiss a TV advertisement as a reason not to buy the product.
at the moment in australia, there is an ad for woolworths (a supermarket chain) that uses a little girl (the "cute" factor which is overused maximally in my opinion) who is placing carrots on a different plate for each of santa's reindeer, and she is eating one while she is placing them out.
at the end, she has to place the final carrot, and realizes she has eaten half of it already, and apologizes to that reindeer for placing a half eaten carrot on that plate.
then the last scene is the little girl asleep in her father's (i assume) arms and he whispers "that's why we choose woolie's".
my immediate thought upon seeing this was "yeah well you may have been able to afford more carrots if you chose someone else, because there's not enough to go around obviously otherwise she would have just gone to the fridge and got a full carrot to place on the last plate".
________________
ill conceived romantic compliments i just dreamed of (i am up for a few minutes to jot them down)
your eyes are as black as the anus of a tanzanian buffalo.
your teeth are as white as a newly delivered fridge.
your skin is as soft as the finest quality toilet paper.
your personality is as unique as someone else who has an identical personality to you.
you are as interesting as riding a donkey in peru.
_____________
so just imagine you are driving toward a massive RBT "pull over" site (with the witches hats and stuff), and you stop early (like about 100 meters before the RBT testing site).
all their pursuit cars are facing in the opposite direction because they are there to catch people who drive past without stopping, so the police decide to run back toward your car. in the meantime you get out and sit on your bonnet and have a snort of meth, a swig of rum and a bong, and when the police finally get to you, you say "g'day guys. what's goin' on?"
well then they are faced with the predicament of their tests, while proving positive to alcohol and cannabis and amphetamines, do not prove that you had any of these drugs in your system while you were driving.
if you have no more cannabis left, and no more snort left, then they can't even get you for possession of drugs.
____________
on a current affair, there was a story about some sale, and the reporter said "everyone's rushed down here like there is no tomorrow".
i thought "if there was no tomorrow, then why the hell would you bother to buy anything today?"
___________
another show about building houses had a reporter that said that the builder said "i know cement and lime backwards", and i thought "so you will not get the job because i prefer my builder to know it the right way around"
_____________
reporter error i heard on the news "a man was found stabbed multiple times to death". you can only die once.
------------
i am a very polite person, and when someone tells me something i am not interested in, instead of saying "i don't give a s**t", i say "i do not feel like going to the toilet"
----------------
also there was a movie while i was going to sleep called "apollo 13" and in it an actor says "i'm so hungry i could eat the arse out of a dead rhino"
well it would be vastly preferable to trying to eat the arse out of a live one.
________
i saw a show about the queensland floods, and the narrator said "it was a flood of biblical proportions".
i thought "they were very lucky then because bibles are not very big"
__________
stupid show on TV in the background about the 1970's. some clip about the show "M.A.S.H" and the song "suicide is painless" came on, and i thought "not if you bludgeon yourself to death with a blunt object"
_________
i dreamed i was watching a news flash which said that a woman had lost control of her car and ploughed through a playground full of kindergarten kids at recess killing 15.
her reason was that she swerved to avoid hitting a moth and lost control.
____________
i would like to write a book which is only one page long that thoroughly explains how to curtail verbosity.
_____________
Q: why did the suicidal clairvoyant cross the busy 8 lane freeway?
A: because he wanted to get to the other side.
____________
Q: what do you have when you have been riding a horse for hours and you have too few dinosaurs?
A: no spare tire an' a sore ass. (tyrannosaurus)
_____________
Q: what type of vehicle does an overly confident cassanova drive?
A: a "pick up" truck.
__________
Q: how did the brontosaurus fit itself into a VW beetle.
A: it just ripped every panel off it and stuck them to it's body with some unidentified substance.
_____________
Q:why was the brontosaurus cold when the ambient temperature was 12 degrees celsius?
A: because it was only clothed in the panels of one VW beetle.
_______
Q: under what law can you go to jail for telling a joke at which someone laughs them self to death?
A: mans-laughter.
_______________
Q: why are small contributions to conversation worthless in australia?
A: because ones "2 cents worth" is rounded down to zero . (our smallest denomination is 5 cents)
____________
Q: why is february the 29th the unhappiest date of all?
A: because it only cums once every four years
____here is one i made up about 1 minute ago.
Q: why to male to female transsexuals never have any worries about getting their letters delivered to them?
A: because they always have their male box with them wherever they go.
___________
_______________
so there is the concept of the "stairway to heaven"
how many bloody stairs are there? i'm just gonna plonk my arse on the first one and refuse to go any further.
_________________
no commercial airliner is fitted with a horn.
no wonder there are so many mid air collisions.
_______________
the traffic lights showed red incorrectly as i drove through them the other day.
_____________
i like to ring random telephone numbers, and then if they politely tell me i have the wrong number, i tell them they are most gracious in being so polite. my good deed for the day. pat them on the back and raise their self esteem.
when they tell me angrily that i rang the wrong number, then i tell them that they were therefore a moron for answering it.
30 Oct 2016, 3:47 pm
