Being held to a higher standard than my NT friends/siblings

Page 1 of 2 [ 23 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

SocOfAutism
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Mar 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,848

09 Nov 2016, 3:20 pm

Yeah, no, I just have the one child! My experience with autistic children is limited to other family members. I do not study children, either. I have read some articles while looking for other things.

I'm not sure, but I think it's worth considering that you're just taking that saying too literally. I don't think it's an accurate saying. But I guess "Let's try being a jerk and see what will happen" isn't as catchy.

We didn't know that my little brother was autistic, so we just figured things out as we went along. If someone had told us (even if he had told us) that his clothes and the seatbelt and stuff were really bothering him it would have saved so many issues for all of us. Doing what you're talking about (explaining visually, loosening the belt) would have been such a great solution.

I have been told that my husband also didn't really obey rules that well. I have gotten the impression that his parents stuck to what was important to them (don't hit your sister, come to church, don't curse) but let others go. Like, they couldn't force him to eat properly, so he ate a lot of junk food rather than starve. And he watched a lot of TV. I think his parents chose to let some things go if he was otherwise behaving.

Some of the people in my husband's family who are autistic, who I knew as teenagers, did not seem to cause any problems. Flew under the radar, I guess. No one was diagnosed as kids. The extended family has chosen not to pursue official diagnoses, except for my husband who got an Asperger's diagnosis.

My nephew has one of the new autism high spectrum diagnoses. He seems to behave kind of like my husband, with a lot of food sensitivities and things he just will not do and no one forces him since it doesn't seem like a huge deal.

So...no, I don't think there's been the manipulation stage there with any of them. A SNEAKING stage definitely. Like a dislike to have people in their business, but not a lying and manipulation deal that I think is common in NT kids.



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

09 Nov 2016, 11:51 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
First off, that technique is called reflecting. It doesn't mean that she didn't want you to talk about it anymore! It meant that she was looking for you to speak more about it. You didn't pick up the hint. I'm guessing because aspergers? Anyways, it's suppose to let you feel heard without guiding how you should feel about your parents. That way, you can continue to explore the idea without the counselor's thoughts influencing you. If she added more to it, you would be talking about she feels about your parents doing that instead of how YOU feel about your parents doing that. Pretty common ND/NT mis-understanding. I only catch it because I was trained in the technique.
Very smart of you to know that. Respect! Well, even at the naive age of 12, I already knew that my therapist had a hidden agenda. I just couldn't figure out what it was. So I decided that "reflecting" was a polite, APA-sanctioned* way of telling me to shut the hell up and stop complaining about my family. The complete opposite of what it's intended to do; ironic, ain't it? It came off as condescending sarcasm, a concept I learned years before. By that session, I already had very limited trust for that therapist, since she "reflected" me before. So I found a more effective way to deal with being held to an arbitrarily higher standard: abusing alcohol. (No sarcasm in the last sentence; it really did make me feel better.)

__________
*APA - American Psychological Association



Eclipse247
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 15 Aug 2016
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 52
Location: Near Bath UK.

27 Apr 2017, 11:55 am

Aspie1 wrote:
somanyspoons wrote:
First off, that technique is called reflecting. It doesn't mean that she didn't want you to talk about it anymore! It meant that she was looking for you to speak more about it. You didn't pick up the hint. I'm guessing because aspergers? Anyways, it's suppose to let you feel heard without guiding how you should feel about your parents. That way, you can continue to explore the idea without the counselor's thoughts influencing you. If she added more to it, you would be talking about she feels about your parents doing that instead of how YOU feel about your parents doing that. Pretty common ND/NT mis-understanding. I only catch it because I was trained in the technique.
Very smart of you to know that. Respect! Well, even at the naive age of 12, I already knew that my therapist had a hidden agenda. I just couldn't figure out what it was. So I decided that "reflecting" was a polite, APA-sanctioned* way of telling me to shut the hell up and stop complaining about my family. The complete opposite of what it's intended to do; ironic, ain't it? It came off as condescending sarcasm, a concept I learned years before. By that session, I already had very limited trust for that therapist, since she "reflected" me before. So I found a more effective way to deal with being held to an arbitrarily higher standard: abusing alcohol. (No sarcasm in the last sentence; it really did make me feel better.)

__________
*APA - American Psychological Association



I also used alcohol to deal with it. The downside did damage. You guys on this thread are waking up to the rigged game being played out. It's smoke and mirrors. Turn the other cheek and do your own thing. They will respect you for not being taken in by their crap.



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

27 Apr 2017, 9:57 pm

Eclipse247 wrote:
I also used alcohol to deal with it. The downside did damage. You guys on this thread are waking up to the rigged game being played out. It's smoke and mirrors. Turn the other cheek and do your own thing. They will respect you for not being taken in by their crap.
Wow, I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one who got therapy from the emotional equivalent of a butcher. It's amazing that even at a naive age of 12, I already knew how inane therapy was, and how much more effective alcohol could be. Of course, I never told her about my boozing habit, because I didn't want her lecturing me on the "dangers of alcohol". (Because therapy is sooo much more helpful! :roll:) Quite the opposite: I lied about how "it took me weeks, but I finally understood why my parents talked to me that way". Basically, I faked empathy like an Academy Awards actor, and she believed it. It's interesting, and yet sad, that a 12-year-old outsmarted a professional who studied graduate-level psychology. It's a glaring sign of what kind of botch job our mental health system is.



Eclipse247
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 15 Aug 2016
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 52
Location: Near Bath UK.

21 Sep 2017, 8:28 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Eclipse247 wrote:
I also used alcohol to deal with it. The downside did damage. You guys on this thread are waking up to the rigged game being played out. It's smoke and mirrors. Turn the other cheek and do your own thing. They will respect you for not being taken in by their crap.
Wow, I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one who got therapy from the emotional equivalent of a butcher. It's amazing that even at a naive age of 12, I already knew how inane therapy was, and how much more effective alcohol could be. Of course, I never told her about my boozing habit, because I didn't want her lecturing me on the "dangers of alcohol". (Because therapy is sooo much more helpful! :roll:) Quite the opposite: I lied about how "it took me weeks, but I finally understood why my parents talked to me that way". Basically, I faked empathy like an Academy Awards actor, and she believed it. It's interesting, and yet sad, that a 12-year-old outsmarted a professional who studied graduate-level psychology. It's a glaring sign of what kind of botch job our mental health system is.


I find alcohol takes the edge off the unpleasant anxiety feelings and turns me into more of an NT imo. I can then fit in better with them. I also find chamomile is good.

An equation for u all.

Faking empathy by an Aspie=an Aspie mimicking an NT faking empathy.

(ie NT's don't/can't feel empathy very much.)

This doesn't mean an Aspie doesn't feel empathy, just that they may not pretend empathy where its not warranted.
eg. my NT partner will repeatedly pretend to bump her toe/head/hand at the moment I turn to walk away. Therefore I have not seen her do it. She will produce a loud "ouch"! If I go along with this crap and show empathy I am being manipulated. If I don't then in NT eyes I am unempathetic!

Do u see how NT crap works and you are being held to a higher standard than them?



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,205
Location: Pacific Northwest

21 Sep 2017, 8:46 am

Aspie1 wrote:

Whining and wishes
NT kids: When my family took me and my friends out for a celebration of some sort, like an outing or my birthday, their whining often went uncorrected. At times, they even got the item they were whining for. For example, when my friend was screaming because a bee came near him, my family shooed it away.
Me: When my family took me and my friends out for a celebration of some sort, like an outing or my birthday, they jumped on me like vultures whenever I did anything resembling whining. For example, when I screamed when a bee came near me, my parents yelled at me: "Don't scream like that; you're a big boy!".
(I never figured out how to solve this problem.)

Please share your thoughts.



This one is easy. How old was your friend? Was he younger than you? How much older were you? Age has so much to do with this because people expect different reactions out of you and behavior and judgment based on your age. This is harder for those with disabilities. I even made a thread about it here:

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=122167

Also each parent is different so they might have been fine with how their kid reacted while yours weren't fine with yours. That is if you were both the same age. Or maybe the friend had a phobia of bees so they comforted him.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.


IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,114
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

21 Sep 2017, 8:58 am

When I was growing up, that was indeed very stressful. I put those same standards on myself. I now am thankful for it because, had I not been held to high standards or expected high standards from myself, I probably wouldn't have made even the modest progress I made over the past few years.



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

21 Sep 2017, 8:32 pm

League_Girl wrote:
This one is easy. How old was your friend? Was he younger than you? How much older were you? Age has so much to do with this because people expect different reactions out of you and behavior and judgment based on your age. This is harder for those with disabilities. I even made a thread about it here:

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=122167

Also each parent is different so they might have been fine with how their kid reacted while yours weren't fine with yours. That is if you were both the same age. Or maybe the friend had a phobia of bees so they comforted him.
My friend was actually 4 months older than me, although he was NT. A very bright NT---he read books of a higher grade level than I did---but still NT. Perhaps that's what "helped" him: he intuitively knew how to charm my parents into being nice to him. While I was an aspie, with social skills to match, which caused them to throw vitriol my way. Because it was my parents who gave him preferential treatment. Hey, I had a bee phobia too, only it was referred to as "whining".

Needless to say, incidents like this gave me all sorts of bizarre ideas about how family love is supposed to work.