Could any girls help me help my partner?

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We have recently discovered my partner may have ASD after stumbling on a list of typical traits of females with ASD and she fit almost all of them (also I have never got on with an NT so well or been so compatible, it seems to make sense)

I know she is going through a lot at the moment and I was hoping to get some possible insight into a few things with others who are more likely to see things the way she does. (I am also ASD but male)

I have a few questions (okay more than a few) that I would appreciate any insight into from your experiences.

I apologize in advance if anything offends.

Do you struggle to find the "purpose" of your life? have you found it?
What do you do with the majority of your time?
Do you run out of energy before the day is done?
Do you every feel lonely and not want to be around anyone at the same time?
What makes you happy?
Do you ever shutdown?

Is there anything else you have learned that has help you cope?

Thank you in advance.

Do you struggle to find the "purpose" of your life? have you found it?
I have not found it. I have found things I enjoy. I have some things to take care of, pets, garden, house, male. More things to take care of is better.

What do you do with the majority of your time?
Take care of the house and garden. I make things a lot. I am happier when I make more things. I am especially happy if I make something that someone has asked me to make for them.

Do you run out of energy before the day is done?
Depends on the day. Some days I wake up and just can't. But I have pets and they need me to get up.

Do you every feel lonely and not want to be around anyone at the same time?
Continually. I can't handle being around people who don't like me or would rather I wasn't there. Which is a lot of people.

What makes you happy?
Making things. Talking/texting with people who want to interact, not just yell at me. Knowing that nobody is mad at me. Eating. Proof that I am clever. Really well done animation. David Attenborough. Travel. My pets. Seeing kindness. Making progress on something that I have difficulty with. Lizards. Weeding moss. Having it okay to be depressed, because I am a lot and if it's not okay than I can't dig myself out.

Alcohol works the best for the short term, better than just about anything else. I also apparently make eye contact and talk to people when I've got a very slight buzz. We're talking one beer here. It is however expensive, socially problematic to be drinking all day long and leads to weight gain.

Do you ever shutdown?
Continually. I've been on an almost continual meltdown for about a month. I may be finally coming out of it. It's bad enough that I can't keep a job.

Is there anything else you have learned that has help you cope?
I need acceptance, something to take care of, and something to make. If I have those three things, I'm okay. Sometimes I have to do something really really weird in order to get those three things.

Do you struggle to find the "purpose" of your life? have you found it?
Similar to jmjelde, I would say more that I've found things I enjoy and that make me happy when I'm doing them.

What do you do with the majority of your time?
Spend time on my special interests and hobbies (the things that make me happy).
Spend more of my time alone than with others, as that's more relaxing to me, although when I've had a truly connected relationship that person would be an exception and I enjoyed time with them.

Do you run out of energy before the day is done?
All the time if it's a workday or I'm just out and about in general. Not so much if it's a stay-at-home day.

Do you every feel lonely and not want to be around anyone at the same time?
Yes. Although I'm fairly content now and rarely feel lonely, when I was younger I most definitely felt very lonely and longed for the RIGHT company, yet I also felt like I didn't want my necessary 'alone time' to be sacrificed.

What makes you happy?
Interactions with animals, far more reliably makes me happy than interactions with people unless, again, it's someone who has become special to me and I to them. The company of animals is relaxing, deeply interesting and endlessly joyful to me. Doesn't work out that way with humans!

Another similarity with someone who posted up-thread -- making things. Creating stuff. I have moderate (not savant, just regular) talents in several creative pursuits and I enjoy when I'm creating.

Do you ever shutdown?
Fairly regularly though I can't put a figure per month on it or anything. I try not to dwell on the instances when it happens. It's most often due to social overload for me.

Is there anything else you have learned that has help you cope?
Pathetic as it is to be 55 years old and admit I actually don't cope, well, I don't think I've learned to really cope even now. I struggle my whole life and haven't yet really mastered coping well enough to say I cope and here's how I cope. It's sad but I feel it's true. My involvement with animals keeps me just this side of sane but in general I still don't feel I have any coping skills.

I do relate to what the other person said -- give me acceptance (or even just one person who accepts me), something to create, and something to take care of and I'm doing a lot better than I would otherwise.

Do you struggle to find the "purpose" of your life? have you found it?
Yes and no. Sometimes I get depressed and despondent but my "purpose" in life is to do as well as I possibly can, which for me means working hard at pursuits which will be beneficial, and at which I can excel. I assess everything I do in terms of feasibility and value. If it isn't valuable or feasible then it won't help me succeed, and if I can't succeed I will have to die; I don't see the point in living an unfulfilling life.

What do you do with the majority of your time?
I work and I study. When I'm not doing that I read and write, learn languages, work out etc. Essentially my special interests.

Do you run out of energy before the day is done?
Oh my God yes. I go from full of childlike energy to unable to keep my eyes open in no time at all. I can keep going for a whole workday, say, or a day out, but when I get home I have to sleep - the constant social/sensory stimuli wear me out.


Do you every feel lonely and not want to be around anyone at the same time?
Yes. I really need to be alone and I value my alone time, but sometimes I do get lonely. Probably more than I admit to myself, as I've had a few meltdowns where I expressed a deep loneliness that I didn't realise I felt. I am lonely in a crowd though; I can meet lots of people, but very rarely people I connect with.

What makes you happy?
Succeeding or improving at anything. Feeling accomplished is the best. Specifically drawing makes me happy because I find it helps me process what's going on in my mind. Ballet, kickboxing, training etc. make me happy because they make me feel strong. Successful social interactions make me happy because, whilst I don't enjoy them per se, I know how rare they are for me.

Do you ever shutdown?
Yes. I've had a few major shutdowns that lasted days if not weeks. I notice I have mini shutdowns when I've been exerting myself. For example today I had a lot of unexpected responsibilities at work that required socialisation and executive functioning. I pushed through but my day was punctuated with little shutdowns, where I just switched off and lost myself involuntarily (embarrassing).

Is there anything else you have learned that has help you cope?
I think I just about cope but that probably isn't true. I have some unsavoury outlets that mean I'm not really coping, just tricking others (and myself to an extent) that I'm fine. That said I have learned to trust my instinctive coping mechanisms; ideally I would get away to a place on my own and draw, but if I can't then I have a subtle finger-tapping stim.

Thank you for your honesty jmjelde, BirdInFlight and racheypie666.

Your replies are greatly appreciated and your experiences all seem like my partner.

They have also provided some insight, but I am still left wondering how to help.

I totally accept my partner (first that has) and she is aware of that, I just find myself feeling very helpless

Acceptance is huge! That alone will already be going a long way toward helping her, at least it would for me, is all I know. Acceptance is massively helpful even while she won't magically have all her issues solved. Nothing in life has one magic solution that makes everything better, but even one good thing being in place is a massive balm, and things would be worse without it.

Something else that might help is, when you notice she may be starting to have difficulties, things are turning from good to bad for her, ask her if there's anything you can do that will help with that specific situation for her. It can be part of a learning experience for both of you, maybe, to ask the question and explore if there is some help you can give.

It might be as simple as she's starting to be overwhelmed in a crowded place and you ask what would help, and she says she needs to get out of there and go home, and so you both do that. I'm thinking that asking what could help, in a specific moment when it arises, and asking in a kind, genuine way, would be a great help. I would love for someone to do that for me, as long as there is no impatience in their voice or manner when they ask.

RE: BirdInFlight

I know the acceptance defiantly helps, but I think the issue is that it is only from me, and there is still a lot of un-acceptance in her life. (to me, I only need one persons acceptance, but I feel she wants to be more accepted than that, if that makes sense)

We do have good communication, and when I am around I can usually find a way to help her in the moment. She likes to have her hair petted/patted. She likes cuddles (from me only), she likes to be touched (again by me only and I mean in a non sexual way).

Neither of us are fond of crowded places, so we either avoid them or are both looking to escape, but we clasp hands and push through when needed.

I do have the added benefit that she finds my voice calming as it is quite deep and she knows she can talk to me about anything, even if sometimes she doesn't want to as she doesn't want to add more to my stress etc.

Its more when I am not around, that I am worried about and what to help with. When I have had breaks from work and it has been me and her 24/7 for say a week, everything has been great and she has been really happy, playful, no cares or worries.

Edit: I feel I should add that I love everything about her and I am not looking to change her, I just want to lift some of the weight from her shoulders when I am not around. Without her I am a mess. I do not function. With her I can pass for human, she comforts me, her touch, her voice, even seeing her smile. I feel complete when it is her and I. She really is my world. She has given me the strength to become who I am.

Are you talking about meltdowns? Here's what my guys (my husband and my best friend) have found to help when I am totally out of it. It is helpful to have two people to rely on, because no one person can deal with me all the time. Sometimes they need to do their own thing.

The best friend lives far away, but he will keep texting me if I need it. If he cannot, he will actually ask his mom to text me. They will both keep asking random questions (how is your garden, what are you reading, here's what I'm making for lunch, that kind of thing) until I calm down. They also do it in german, which I am trying to learn. And they check in on me for a few days afterwards.

The husband (also ASD) is still learning strategies, but he has a few that work well. He is getting better at dealing with me. Strategy number one is David Attenborough documentaries. They are intelligent and beautiful and totally absorbing. The husband enjoys them himself so it's not a problem for him to watch. Strategy number two is to play cards. We play the same game over and over. I am a better on-the-fly statistician than he is, so usually I win, and the numbers help calm me and the not failing helps calm me, although if I am really bad he usually comes out ahead. Strategy three is alcohol, and he makes very good manhattans. I have also found a place in his office I can sit that doesn't bother him too much when I want to be not by myself but can't figure out how to talk to anyone.

Here's the synthesis: Three techniques are distraction, interaction, and medication.

All three usually require a prompt when I'm really out of it so it's hard for me to drag myself out. Eventually I hope to get him to be willing to ask me to knit him some socks, or ask how those socks are going, when he starts noticing me lose it. But talking about it beforehand, asking what might work and prepping for it, is a good idea. Just assume meltdowns happen and this is how you deal with them. Just like if she had epileptic seizures, and you knew they were prompted by low blood sugar, maybe help her to postpone working with chainsaws before lunchtime and instead bring her a snack. Part of the being accepted bit. Develop some strategies with her when she's feeling good and then enact them when she starts tensing up.

RE: jmjelde

That was a very helpful read thank you. In our time together we have both only had 1 major meltdown each. We both tend to shutdown rather than meltdown.

but your strategies still apply and are a variation on what works to help both of us. Something familiar on TV, or a familiar distraction that wont present any surprises. Interaction is more being there than asking questions as we both become unresponsive during a shutdown, although sometimes she will prefer to retreat to a room and be alone.

I drink, but she doesn't. I don't drink till the stage of being drunk (nor is it daily) but it does help take the edge off. She has nothing against alcohol, she just doesn't enjoy it. However, her favorite foods can help and we are both "emotional eaters".

I'm not 100% sure I have a set "purpose." Whatever causes me to achieve "flow," I do that and try to make a career out of it.

What I do with my time depends on what's going on. Homework, reading, writing, walking, etc. Lately I've been doing a lot of reading because social interaction is like defusing a bomb during an election year.

I'm perpetually tired and I feel like my entire life is just learning how to cope with exhaustion. It's especially bad this semester. School is exhausting. I'm very strict about my bedtime and I either spend as much time outside as possible or take vitamin D supplements depending on time of year. Those two combined seem to be working.

Yes, all the time. Companionable silence is a good compromise. Watching a movie with friends or sitting my pet rats on my shoulder while I work.

A lot of things make me happy. Spending time with friends and family, interacting with animals and nature, doing something creative, learning new things...

I shutdown when I experience sensory overload or if I absorb or otherwise experience too much negative emotions. I'm empathic, so emotions are another type of sensory stimuli to me.

I make lists and schedules for everything and I have three different alarms. Executive dysfunction is one of my biggest problems. Even with those precautions things still slip my mind. I also have family who help me remember what I need to do.

Rats_and_cats, I used to have rats. They were nice and crazy smart. Now I have cats. They are also nice and crazy smart. I think the combo would be problematic, especially since we encourage our cats to catch as many mice as possible.

UnturnedStone, maybe helping her find ONE other human to trust. I know when I've had a (small) posse (like three), it has been immensely helpful. Only one person to rely on is too much for the one person, and makes me feel like I am ruining their life. I would feel horrible for him. I have two right now . Three is better. Four is a feast. Five is about the most I can handle. Six people would be too much.

Shutting down is the same as meltdown for me. Just louder and more annoying. Same strategies work though. And with the louder version, at least my people know I need help.

I know some people have had success with prescription drugs. They've never worked for me. Tea has worked better. Chocolate and peanut butter works better than alcohol, but you CANNOT eat a pound of peanut butter a day for a week. Alcohol is more self-limiting.

After I had my last meltdown, I got [url]
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0099QYMT6/?t ... wi4vtnxo_b[/url]:
It could use more negative emotions though. It seems to help me communicate when I am incapable of forming complete sentences. I do not know how helpful it is to other people. It helps me to articulate to myself what the hell is going on though. I set the day in the morning. Usually I am a bit better. Progress is always helpful.

UnturnedStone, just wanted to say you two sound like you are both an incredibly beautiful thing in each other's lives! Congrats on that, it's a lovely thing to read about. The ideal of being a couple is that both parties feel stronger and happier for having each other in their lives, and it seems you guys have that.

Even though of course when not actually in each other's company there needs to be coping skills, and you are seeking answers for that, it's great that as a relationship at least, the two of you are finding a lot of comfort, help and strength together. I love that in what you describe of your relationship. You are very fortunate to have found each other!

I believe I've found the purpose(s) of my life, though as an agnostic I struggle with the question of whether there is really any "purpose" to anything.



I'm going to assume you mean free time. I mainly play video games and read books. I also like to go to the movies with hubby when I get the chance. I also have some exercise equipment that I use religiously for periods of time, and then ignore for months on end.




Sometimes. I run out of emotional energy more so than physical energy. I try to plan my days in ways that minimize or space out social interactions.




YES, a lot.



Being alone, which also often makes me anxious. So, good times. Yeah.



Shutdown is kind of a vague term, so I guess it depends on your definition. Do I take to my bed for days on end? No. But I do get migraines from too much social-ness, and I do get overwhelmed if I have too many tasks to complete. If I can't "escape" I start to get tunnel-vision and a foggy brain, and lights start brightening and dimming in my sight. I would describe it as a mental brown-out.

Do you struggle to find the "purpose" of your life? have you found it?

I don't think it's important to have a specific purpose. I like and am happiest doing many different things rather than defining myself by a single career or goal for a long time. One video called them "multipotentialites".

What do you do with the majority of your time?

If I'm not at work I'm home reading, writing, playing games, or studying something that caught my interest.

Do you run out of energy before the day is done?

Oftentimes I have to pace myself and make sure I get the important things done first, and not load up on junk food. If I procrastinate then all my energy goes to playing around on my phone, checking e-mail, or reading websites, and I don't have enough to do what I sat down to do.

Do you every feel lonely and not want to be around anyone at the same time?

Yes, so I'll talk to people for a little bit and then go be on my own again.

What makes you happy?

Success, discovering something new, being creative, working with my hands, making things, making a new friend, being able to help someone with something, understanding something well, comedy, nice weather, nice food.

Do you ever shutdown?

Very rarely now as I've put in a lot of practice for cooling off.

Thank you to all that replied, I managed to get something from each of you.

It is highly appreciated.

Our whole lives we struggled to fit in, until we found each other. I fell in love with her after just one date, and her the same. It was honestly like nothing else I have experienced. We were instantly attracted to each other and felt comfortable around each other which was huge for both of us. I fell incredibly lucky.

Do you struggle to find the "purpose" of your life? have you found it?

I haven't found a purpose, but I don't look for a one either. I try to just do better.

What do you do with the majority of your time?

I work part time (I don't cope well with full time work.) And I spend time on stories (reading, films, role play)

Do you run out of energy before the day is done?

I am often exhausted physically and mentally after I finish work, but I usually regain some energy as the evening goes on.

Do you every feel lonely and not want to be around anyone at the same time?

No. I sometimes feel lonely but I never want to be around no one. I will often only want to be around my partner.

What makes you happy?

My stories, spending quality time with my partner.

Do you ever shutdown?

Often. I have different stages between total stages between total shut down and being ok. When I'm doing ok I'll be loud and chatty (unless I'm absorbed in a book or film), the more stressed I become the quieter I become and the less capable of forming complex sentences I become. This goes to the stage where I am completely unable to vocalise any sound at all.

Is there anything else you have learned that has help you cope?

I like my partner to talk to me which he finds hard if I'm unable to communicate but I find his voice comforting. He will often have information on his phone he can just read out without any input from me, as it doesn't matter what he says I just want to hear his voice.

I have an app on my phone called emergency chat that I can load up so I can type to people if I need to communicate with them.

I usually play pokemon go when I'm out it gives me something to focus on other then the people. (It used to be ingress but I like pokemon more.) The GPS component of the game's make them good for walking around with.

I carry around a small owl keyring. I've taken the batteries out but when they were in a button on the back made the eyes light up and make it make a noise. It lives in my coat pocket and I take it out when I start to get agitated and press the button inssesently. Without the batteries its small and discreet and most people don't notice it.

Other then that I avoid things I know stress me like doing a weekly supermarket shop online because I find shops stressful.